Communication Tips: 8 Keys for Conscious Conversation

Communication is a rapid exchange of words, messages, and information. When our communication is on autopilot (as it is until it’s not) the art of meaningful connection can be easily lost. But what if we could elevate our conversations, turning them into conscious and authentic exchanges that foster genuine connections? Welcome to my world: the realm of conscious conversations. Here are 8 tips for you in this episode.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:00 Intro
2:46 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
13:37 Transformative Experience Through Active Listening
18:50 Breaking the Advice Autopilot
23:08 Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25
25:03 Overcoming Communication Barriers
30:30 Navigating Digital Communication

Transcript

Lunden Souza: 2:26

Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the place where you'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I'm your host Lunden Souza. Hey, have you grabbed your free Self Love and Sweat monthly calendar yet? This calendar is so amazing. It comes right in your inbox every single month to help you have a little nugget of wisdom, a sweaty workout, a mindset activity, just a little something, something to help keep you focused and motivated and keep that momentum towards your goals. So every day, when you get this calendar, you'll see a link that you can click that will lead to a podcast episode or a workout or something that will be very powerful and quick to read. And then you'll also see, on the top left corner of every single day, there's a little checkbox in the calendar and what that is is that's for your one thing. You can choose one thing every month, or it can be the same, something that you want to implement and make this something that you can easily implement, like daily meditation or getting a certain amount of steps or water, for example, and staying hydrated and even taking your supplements. This can be something if you want to get more regular doing a particular habit and routine. You can choose what that checkbox means. So if you want your Self Love and sweat Sweat monthly calendar delivered right to your inbox every month on the first of the month, go to lifelikelunden. com/ calendar, fill out the form really quickly and you will have your calendar in your inbox within a few short minutes. That's lifelikelunden L-I-F-E-L-I-K-E-L-U-N-D-E-N dot com forward slash calendar. Go, get yours for free and enjoy this episode. Happy today.

Lunden Souza: 4:34

Welcome back to the podcast. Today we're talking about conscious conversations and today I have eight tips for you, or as I would call them, like speed bumps to help you become more conscious in conversation. Often times, our communication, the way we talk, the way that we respond, can just be on autopilot or like if you're driving on cruise control, and the way that we communicate will always be the way that we communicate until we choose to bring awareness to it and choose to communicate more consciously. And conscious communication, conscious conversations that's one of my favorite topics of all time because, yeah, I just love understanding more of my communication patterns where they might have come from, where I might have completely dropped the ball and completely messed up, and areas I can improve and become more conscious. I love researching this topic.

Lunden Souza: 5:31

I can totally geek out on words and communication and conversation, and I also love talking with people having conversations about the tough conversations. I love when people will share like, oh, I need to have this tough conversation with my boss or my partner or my coworker or somebody that I love, and here's how I want to say it. What do you think? And I love those conversations a lot. I love holding space for practicing the conversations, because that's really powerful and really important and a big part to consciously conversating is like being able to practice ahead of time. And I love getting messages like this from my clients and I recently got a couple last week where they reached out to me some of my clients I work with one on one and they're like, oh my gosh, I had the tough conversation, I said the thing that I've been wanting to say and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be, or I wasn't as nervous or anxious going into that conversation, and so I freaking love that, because we are communicating, or let's say we are talking and conversating all the time and I think that we're not communicating as often as we could, and I say this a lot, but it's about connection, it's not about convincing in conversation, and so I was writing this about this topic for an article for Best Holistic Life magazine, and the article actually doesn't come out for a few months.

Lunden Souza: 6:59

But I had such like, I just loved writing this article and I was like you know what this needs to be a podcast also. You're like me, but I love learning. So I love it when I can listen to a podcast or maybe you're watching this on YouTube and I can read an article. So it's nice to have a lot of different forms of information. So if you're like me, then you'll like all of it. You'll like listening, you'll like watching and you'll like reading the article.

Lunden Souza: 7:25

But yeah, like I said, these eight tips are really speed bumps. Hopefully you listen to these and maybe a few speak to you where you're like oh yeah, I really want to focus and work on these two or these three or this one, but the idea is just to give you some perspective, to get the wheels turning a little bit, to get you thinking about what you're talking about a little bit more and, like I said, practice right, so it's not always. You know the cool thing about what I love about communication and our words and the way we connect with others is like, as we are on our healing journey and we're learning and we're growing and we're evolving, naturally the way that we communicate is going to change and evolve too, and so see this as an inevitable process and a beautiful thing, an opportunity for connection and art of conscious communication. So let's jump into these eight tips, or these eight speed bumps, these eight points. The first one is the magnet theory, and I'll talk to you about that a little bit.

Lunden Souza: 8:34

But basically, the question you ask yourself here is where did my communication style come from? Okay, so, the chances are that you modeled the way you were communicated to, or maybe even not communicated to, whether it's the people that you were raised by your parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, et cetera, relatives and we saw a certain style of communication when we were growing up, right, and this magnet theory is actually something that we talked about at my seminar that I did with Aubrey. That was the Voice of Impact seminar, a two-day in-person seminar to up-level your communication, to amplify your influence and to understand more of your communication patterns, and so this is something that we came up with and we talked about at the seminar, this magnet theory, right? So if you think of a magnet, there's one side that completely attracts to each other, right, like I think of magnets in like science class or whatever, where you have like the bare magnets and on one side they're completely drawn to one another while the other is repelled, right, you try to push that side of the magnet together and it just doesn't connect, right? So the magnet theory is basically saying, you know, you're either gonna completely model and be the exact same as the way that you were raised and really be drawn to that same style of communication, or you might want to be completely opposite of it, right? Maybe you grew up with a lot of yelling and kind of aggressive communication in your home and now maybe you're doing the exact same thing, or maybe you're doing the exact opposite, right? And maybe it's a little bit of both. Right? Maybe you realized at some point oh my gosh, this is exactly like the way I was raised, the way that you know my family did it or people that I was raised by did it, and I don't want to be that way. So I'm gonna flip the magnet and I'm gonna choose to be different, right? So there's kind of a variety of gray area when it comes to this magnet. But you might be completely the same and completely drawn in and completely attracted to some of the communication style that you, yeah, were, um, that was modeled to you and you could also be the complete opposite.

Lunden Souza: 10:45

And I had a guest on my podcast, Dr. Tanya Stephenson, who I love. She's super sweet, and we were talking about a lot of different things, but one of the things that came up was a moment when she was with her partner and I think they were having people over at their house or they were at some sort of gathering with others and her partner either did or didn't do something that upset her and she completely gave him the silent treatment and she had this moment of awareness that she shared, where it was like, oh, I am giving my partner the silent treatment because that's what my mom did to my dad, but actually I don't want to be that person. I love connection, I love communication. I actually want to flip that magnet a little bit and I loved that story and that conversation with her because it really highlighted that point that like when we start to think about, okay, where did my communication style come from? We could get super pissed and angry and because you modeled this. Now, now that's the way that I am, and blah, blah, blah. It's not always to like justify it, it's just to understand it right. You could always you could also justify it and be like well, my mom yelled and my dad yelled, so now I yell and that's just the way that I am right. But we could also decide that I'm just gonna understand it, I'm not gonna justify it and stay the same, I'm just gonna understand it right.

Lunden Souza: 12:07

So this first point, this first one, is just asking yourself where did my communication style come from? Who might I have modeled? Who was around me growing up? How did they communicate? How did they not communicate? Just inner standing? That a little bit more will help with slowing down the autopilot and turning off the cruise control, because then you'll be able to be like oh, that's where that might have come from. Okay, how can I dig a little bit deeper to understand that and to make it mean something? You know bigger and better than myself. So that's the first one.

Lunden Souza: 12:44

Where did my communication style come from? And where am I in that kind of magnet theory space? When I think of myself, I can think of many areas where I'm like, okay, I'm the same as my family here and I like it right, like I think of my Italian heritage and us talking with our hands and sometimes getting loud and passionate. I like that. But then there were other areas where I realized, oh man, I'm doing that thing that my family does, that I just don't like. That doesn't drive connection. That isn't gonna help me go deeper in relationships. It's more like just putting up this block here and I don't want to do that anymore. So I'm gonna flip that magnet right. So maybe your wheels are turning and you're thinking about ways that you are the same, that you're different, or maybe that you evolve to be different or evolve to be the same. Just thinking about it, where did it come from? That's the first one.

Lunden Souza: 13:38

Number two it's time to listen, and this I'm speaking to myself, definitely, because I generally lean more towards talking and giving advice and not always, not always, having on my autopilot shh, listen, right. I feel like meditation has helped me get a lot better at this, because it's helped me become more present and more aware and more focused on one particular thing in the present moment. So I feel like the more that I meditate, actually, the more it benefits some of these conversations I'm having because I can sit and be present, right. So when I say listen, I really mean like active listening, like truly listening to the person and seeing how that can be a transformative experience for yourself and for others. So, hearing the word spoken, hearing the tonality, paying attention to the nonverbal communication and just being there, actively listening and an active participant in the conversation even if you're just sitting there and listening and giving your eye contact and affirming body language that you're there in that space is so powerful. So when we create that feeling for the other person that they're listening that person's present, right, we're not on our phone, we're not like yeah, uh-huh, and not paying attention. We create this space of like safety for the other person, of like, oh, I can open up, I can share this person's listening. This person wants to hear me express my feelings and what's coming up for me, and so remembering that it can be time to listen is number two. Number three be you.

Lunden Souza: 15:27

So in conscious conversation, in conscious communication, it's really, really awesome and powerful to prioritize authenticity. In the beginning it can feel kind of awkward, especially if you're switching your communication style, the words you wanna be using. Sometimes it can feel a little like proper and poetic, as you're like figuring out what authentic communication is for you. Sometimes it can just feel a little robotic, a little uncomfortable and you wanna practice and kind of try it on a little bit right. So, like for me, I say fuck, I cuss Not a ton, but I do and that's part of my authentic communication. Something I'll say to my friends when we're having tough conversations is I'll say like, feel free to tell me to fuck off, or tell me I'm wrong. Right, because I want to leave that space for like dialogue and not like I know the answers and you should do this, right. So I noticed. Okay, sometimes I'll lean into giving advice if the person wants advice. Sometimes I'll really lean into that. But then I like to say like and you know, tell me I'm fucking crazy, or tell me to fuck off, because that style of communication is authentic to me.

Lunden Souza: 16:42

When we had the voice of impact seminar that I was talking about in Colorado for two days, I said fuck, probably within the first couple hours and you could tell everybody in the room resonated with that. It was like, oh, you know, if Lunden can just speak, you know consciously, but from a space that feels authentic, then we all can. And actually everybody in the seminar, all the women had said they were like I loved that freedom that you created within this space, just by saying, fuck, you know. So, whatever that might be like for you, or maybe you like humor, the town I, the region of California that I come from, we say hella a lot, so I'll say hella like that was hella cool or I was hella into that, you know.

Lunden Souza: 17:25

And so there's a style of communication that can be authentic from where you come from, the way you were raised, maybe something that your ethnic background says and you just like to throw it out there. Yeah, I think of too. Like in my Italian side of the family, my great grandma and my relatives. It will often say Madonna, which is basically like I don't even know how I would give a definition of that. In fact, in my brain, when I was about to give you a definition of what Madonna means, it, actually I was gonna give you another Italian word. Anyways, it's basically just like here we go again Madonna, you know. And so that is very authentic too, and when I'm around my family I'll start to use some of that in conversation. So like be you use word choices and flair and style and a vibe that works for you.

Lunden Souza: 18:19

Okay, embrace that vulnerability of being who you are. You might not speak to everybody, right. Conscious communication is not your ability to like, have everybody resonate with everything that comes out of your mouth, but just being more aware of it. So I think that having that authentic style flavor is really powerful and awesome, and I love working with clients on this, specifically, especially in those practice rounds of like I wanna say this, but how would I say that in a way that feels very authentic, very like me. That's number three.

Lunden Souza: 18:51

Number four turn off the advice autopilot. Now, like I said before in the it's time to listen. I'm speaking to myself here as well, because I found myself on advice autopilot, I think, just because of the coaching that I do and the frequency that people ask for advice, I sometimes automatically assume that when someone shares something with me, they want my input, right? But not everybody wants advice. Some people just want you to be present and to listen and to hold that space, right.

Lunden Souza: 19:24

So I developed this acronym, actually with a group of women at a retreat that I hosted, that I co-hosted back in 2018. And we created this acronym, sea, like C, like the ocean, and saying what do you want? Silence, empathy or advice? And being able to have this dialogue with people that we love, that we connect with, where we can ask them hey, do you want silence? You want me to just be quiet and listen? Do you want empathy, like, do you want me to feel with you? Or do you want advice? Like, do you want me to listen so I can give you my input and let the person tell you what they want?

Lunden Souza: 20:00

They might just be like oh, you know what, I'm not ready for advice yet or input, I just wanna share and I just wanna get this off my chest and I just wanna like, cry and feel a little bit right. Or they might be like, actually, no, Lunden, I want your advice, please give me your advice. Then you know with which ears to listen to as well. When you decide okay, I'm gonna turn off the advice, autopilot, I'm gonna ask the person for what they might need and give that to them. And then also vice versa, right, as the conscious communicator that you're becoming, when you start to open up to someone, you can actually say, hey, I need your advice here, or hey, I don't want your advice, I just wanna talk and get it all out, so you can also kinda switch those roles there. That's number four turn off the advice autopilot. Number five choose your words wisely.

Lunden Souza: 20:50

This is why I think practice is so important. I can't tell you how many tough conversations I've had with people that I love, that I've either messed up royally because I just didn't choose my words wisely, I was just letting the autopilot come out saying all the things, no filter. And then I've had the other end of the spectrum, too, where I've and I shared this with yeah, at our seminar too I'm like sometimes I just go for walks with my headphones in and I just put my headphones in and I walk around and I talk to myself and I practice having the tough conversations and then I keep the headphones in because then if I'm walking and someone passes by, they're not like oh, is she talking to herself? They think I'm on the phone. Right, it's genius.

Lunden Souza: 21:32

But choose your words wisely and don't be afraid to practice, especially as you're working on authentically communicating in a way that resonates with you. Being able to practice and choose our words wisely is really, really powerful, and I love embracing the do over. Right, if somebody wants to do over in communication with me, I like to welcome that, presuming it has. It hasn't happened so many times that I need to set a boundary right and vice versa. So being able to choose our words wisely but then be able to be like, hey, I need a do over, I'm super sorry that I said those words. I want to try again. Will you allow me to try again? Right, and in some situations we can do that. But you know that saying like sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I just think that's total bullshit, because words can actually really hurt and we can say things sometimes that we can't take back and we might have lessons we can think about where we're like, oh yeah, I didn't choose my words wisely and that completely, like you know, destroyed or ended that relationship or that friendship, and maybe you got to do over and maybe you didn't and maybe you just got to learn from not choosing your words wisely, you know. So, practice. Practice makes perfect or practice just makes better. I guess there's no such thing as perfect and we're not looking for perfect communication, but think about what you say before you say it, especially if it's a tough conversation, especially if it's a person that you care about. And, yeah, choose your words wisely, practice.

Lunden Souza: 23:08

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Lunden Souza: 24:09

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Lunden Souza: 25:04

Now let's get back to the show. We are all human and we want to be heard, so we have an opportunity to, in communication, like, recognize our common humanity, right? And we break down these walls of judgment and create a space where empathy can flourish and we can have these deep, powerful conversations. We'll start to understand and you'll feel this yourself and you know, with communicating with other people too, like we all have our own set of experiences, struggles, triumphs, great things, highs, lows and we all want to be heard. We all want to feel like what we say matters and what we want to convey is important, and so we can look at that from both ends of the spectrum. It's like just as much as we want to be heard, and we have this human need that wants to connect, that wants to feel validated. Other people want that too, and so I know some of these tips might cross over with one another. Like you know, being well willing to listen, turn off the advice, autopilot and just remembering, like as I'm navigating, my pain and the toughness of my life and also the beauty of my life. Other people are doing the same too, and we want to be seen, heard and validated in our experiences. So, when we're having these conversations, remember that, like they're human too, this is another person too, with feelings and, with you, know all the internal structures of reality, like I have, and they have their own unique way also. So just remember, people want to be validated, they want to be heard, they want to know that their feelings matter when they're connecting and they're communicating with you, and so that's a very powerful one.

Lunden Souza: 26:50

Number seven nonverbal communication. Our body language, our facial expressions, our gestures they all convey lots of information, right, even without saying any words. And being attuned and more aware of our nonverbal communication and the nonverbal communication of others allows us to communicate with more sensitivity, more understanding, and we can start to become a little bit aware of our nonverbal communication. Right, we might be saying one thing or be listening, but then we're like on our phone or we're closed off or we're turned away or whatever, right, we might have a look on our face that's a look of like I don't wanna be here, whatever, right. So just be aware of some of that nonverbal communication.

Lunden Souza: 27:40

I remember a friend of mine was visiting and came over and I was at my parents' house and she mentioned that she was going to this one park and me and my mom we both, I guess, had the same facial expression and we weren't aware of it. And not that this was like a bad moment for communication, but I remember she was like, oh, by the looks of your guys' face, that's probably not the best park I should be going to. But in my mind I was like, oh, I wasn't purposely making a facial expression that was expressing what I was feeling internally, and not that we should like wear a mask, but I think the reason why I share that story is because sometimes our face and our body is making expressions that we're not aware of because we always do them, and so it's nice to just be aware of our body language when we're connecting and when we're in conversation. Mirroring and matching is a great tool, right, like when you wanna connect and one person is sitting down, you know it's nice to sit down next to them If they're leaning back, you lean back, right, if you can think of the conversation dynamic. If somebody's standing up and looking down on the person and then the other person sitting down looking up at the person, it doesn't really create a dynamic for connection. So sometimes in those nonverbals, in our body language, we can sometimes just mirror and match that situation. We can sit down, we can relax if they're relaxed, we can cross our legs if their legs are crossed. It doesn't have to be so obvious and so robotic, but it's a great way to build that rapport and deepen that connection in conversation with people that we know, with people that we don't know. Yeah, just a great tool to have mirroring and matching to create more of that connection in that conversation, more consciousness in that conversation. I think it's helpful to be aware of our body language a little bit more, especially when we're gonna be having those tough conversations. Right, when we wanna be in that space of having a challenging conversation but also be calm and collected and deliver that message in the way that we want to, it's gonna be helpful to develop a body posture and choose nonverbal communication that's a bit more relaxed, a bit more in tune with the vibe you wanna bring to the conversation, if that makes sense. That also takes practice too, and sometimes, you know, when we have close friends and people that we communicate with regularly, we can ask them, like you know, how was my nonverbal communication? Or if a friend says something like, oh, what do you mean? Like the look on your face, and you're like, wait, what was the look on my face? I didn't mean that actually. So help me figure out what the look on my face is so that I can improve my nonverbal communication, right?

Lunden Souza: 30:31

Number eight texting and DMs. Okay, this is a little bit different than in-person communication, right? So in the digital age, where a lot of our communication happens through screens, through our phones, through DMs, through messaging, conscious communication can really take on new dimensions, right? Really, making sure that you are conscious with your words that you're saying what you mean, that you are. Yeah, just, you have the option to like read it and delete it before you send it, right? So in that process of practicing or whatever, texting and DMs in theory should have more time in between. We don't need to respond right away if we need some time to think about it or whatever, but we do, right, we have this kind of autopilot of going back and forth on DMs and text messages and things like that, and so I think what I want to share here is, first of all, you can't ever assume what somebody's tonality is when connecting and communicating with them on a text or a DM.

Lunden Souza: 31:34

I was messaging with a close friend of mine a few weeks ago and she said something like, okay, I was just trying to help, you don't have to be so snappy. And I was like, wait, I wasn't even snappy, at least in my tonality of text, right, and her needing to uncover whatever might be within her that made her think I was snappy or whatever. Right, maybe I am snappy to her. Maybe in person we talk and we kind of snap back to each other, so when I'm texting, maybe she somehow hears my voice. That's totally possible. Maybe there's something that she needs to unpack, because she thought I was automatically being snappy, right. Like there's just a lot that goes on between texts and DMs that we have to be mindful of. So here I would say yeah, text and DM, be mindful of the words that you're choosing. And then also never hesitate to like pick up the phone or hop on Zoom.

Lunden Souza: 32:28

Sometimes it's nice just to be like wait, let's clarify that on a video call really quick, or let's clarify that on a phone call, because the last thing we want is, yeah, our conversations are what we're saying to be interpreted the wrong way, especially if we can help it right. Like, sometimes we might say something and the person might completely take it out of context. We couldn't have remedied it even if we tried, right. But then it's another thing to like be able to, yeah, just kind of look back at I don't know what I was going to say there. Anyways, it could be one thing to yeah, I kind of lost my train of thought in that space a little bit. I'm excited for it to come back. But yeah, we might be in this autopilot of communicating, texting, whatever, saying what we need to back and forth. People are going to react their way, even with our most intentional words. Sometimes, and if you can help it I think this is what I was going to say If you sense that something's kind of off or the person might not have received it, or the message just didn't land in the way that you know you intended it, never hesitate to pick up the phone and call the old fashioned way or say, hey, let's hop on FaceTime, hey, let's hop on a video call, just so that we can clarify that we're on the same page a little bit.

Lunden Souza: 33:40

Because, yeah, conscious communication takes practice and compassion and grace for yourself too, right, and you feel like, wait, I need to pick up the phone and clarify that a little bit, be a little bit more conscious. You can do that. So let's go through these eight tips for conscious communication before we wrap this up and kind of land the plane here. Number one the magnet theory. Where did my communication style come from? Number two shh, it's time to listen. Number three be you right. Find that authentic version of words coming out of your mouth. Number four turn off the advice autopilot. Number five choose your words wisely and practice. Number six we are all human and we want to be heard, we want to be validated, we want to connect in conversation. Number seven nonverbal communication. Right, paying attention to our facial expressions and what we might be doing or signaling without words. And then number eight being mindful of our texting and our DMs and not being afraid to just give people an old fashioned ring, talk to them on the phone or hop on a video call so that you can clarify things a little bit more. And yeah, those are the eight tips for mindful communication and conscious communication, conscious conversations.

Lunden Souza: 34:57

Maybe something in particular stood out to you where you're like oh yeah, number two, I'm just going to work on that one. Maybe there's a few others that have spoken to you, but, yeah, feel free to send me a DM on Instagram. I love connecting and hearing any ways that these episodes might have spoken to you. I'm @lifelikelunden on Instagram, and then we are at @selfloveandsweat on Instagram as well. You can hit us up on either of those pages. And, yeah, just go out and use your words, conversate consciously, do what you can to just make small, subtle shifts to help people feel more connected to you, to make it about less convincing and more about connection.

Lunden Souza: 35:39

And, yeah, thanks for being here at this episode. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self Love and Sweat the Podcast. Hey, do me a favor wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I'm Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose, fueled by self love and sweat. This podcast is a hit spot. Austria production.