Self Love & Sweat The Podcast

Heartbreak, Being Single & Dating...again! with Laura Martin

May 13, 2022 Lunden Souza Season 1 Episode 81
Self Love & Sweat The Podcast
Heartbreak, Being Single & Dating...again! with Laura Martin
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Show Notes Transcript

Laura Martin is back on the show and we absolutely LOVE her! We're talking all about healing from a breakup, being single long enough to heal, how to navigate tough conversations in relationships AND how to date again while continuing to respect yourself by not ignoring red flags (or being able to identify some of your own red flags). PLUS she tells us all about her incredibly healing 3-week online program Sacred Singlehood and how it's changing lives for those who are single AND in relationships when you learn to heal, date and love yourself first.

Connect with Laura:
Join Sacred Singlehood

Mentioned in episode:
Episode 38: What the Gut? w. Laura Martin

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Lunden Souza: [00:00:01] Welcome to Self Love and Sweat, THE PODCAST, The Place Where You’ll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I’m your host, Lunden Souza.

Lunden Souza: [00:00:21] Hey friend, it’s me, Lunden Souza, online lifestyle transformation coach. I help people all over the world, just like you, who know they are meant for more, Get their mind right and their body tight and go from crazy busy to crazy happy. And hey, if it’s our first time meeting….Welcome, so happy to have you!

Lunden Souza: [00:00:41] And if you’ve been with us for a while, it’s so great that you’re here too. I’m really excited to share this episode of the Self Love & Sweat THE PODCAST with you.

Lunden Souza [00:04:00] : Today we have a guest with us, a special guest who's been here before, Laura martin. She is a trauma specialist and lifestyle mentor. We had her on the podcast before because previously and what she was working on was a lot of stuff with gut and gut dysfunction and helping people there. And so we talked a lot about the gut and gut healing, but now she's made this beautiful pivot, this beautiful transition into becoming this trauma specialist and lifestyle mentor. So I'm super excited to have you here. Laura martin, welcome to the podcast. How are you doing today?

Laura Martin: [00:04:27] Good. Thank you so much for having me back. I'm excited for this.

Lunden Souza: [00:04:31] I was sharing with Laura before we pressed record that I feel like a lot of people that I know in my circle, people I love and respect and think are super awesome. Humans are really like digging their cleats in the dirt and making that pivot and transitioning into a space where they really feel called to lead and to serve and to help even more people. And so I know that's what you are doing, because before when we had you on the podcast, you were really into the gut and into gut healing. I think we talked a lot about IBS and things like that. How is what you're doing now different and how have you taken what you've learned and all that knowledge on the gut and kind of brought it into this trauma specialization and lifestyle mentoring?

Laura Martin: [00:05:15] Yeah. So I found myself being gut health and I was really good at it. I know a lot of science things. I'm very left brain, but I was very unfulfilled with it, you know, and I kept working my way back because that's the journey of a mentor. You're looking to figure out like, where did this actually start? Like, where can I get to? And I realize it was in trauma, right? Like all my gut issues, all my anxiety, all the depression, all the body dysmorphia, all that stuff had been stemmed from a dysregulated nervous system that stemmed from trauma and life experiences and having to reprogram all that to actually heal myself. And it got to a point that I don't think about my body anymore. You know, the shape. Not that I don't care for my body. I work out every day. I eat really well. I do things. But it's just I. Healed myself so much that like. My body is not a part of my journey anymore. And so it was hard to continually have that conversation where I was like, I get it. And if I keep having these conversations, I'm just going back to that position where that's not what I'm really about. I'm really about political theory. I'm really about the nervous system work. I'm really about having magnetic relationships and making lots of money and feeling regulated while you do it and like having these bold conversations. And so that's more the arena that I'm in now is helping women, specifically women is who I target market.

Laura Martin: [00:06:37] But everyone can kind of do this, organize their grief to turn it into gold, you know, how do we use this? I know. Especially beginning stages, entrepreneurs, it's I'm not ready yet. You know, I haven't healed myself yet. And it's like none of us have this the whole point of this. And so how do we actually how do we heal our regulation? How do we regulate our nervous system so that we can create these big visions to go after these things, to have these awesome orgasmic relationships, to talk about money in a way that feels good, to talk to our family and heal those wounds, to have these sisterhood things happen like it's so much bigger than gut health. I mean, gut health is a I love it. Like it's my daily practice to care for it because I don't take care of it. I'm going to feel very rubbish. I'm not going to be able to have these big visions and have this clarity of my body, mind and soul. But it's just so second nature now that I don't know, I wanted something bigger and bolder and so why the heck not? We get one life. Why not just go do the things that our soul is like? Like my soul is just, like itching at me being like this, isn't it? You're good at it, but this isn't it. And I was like, after my recent breakup, I was like, Burn it all down, let's go. Like, it just made this massive pivot and it just feels so good.

Lunden Souza: [00:07:48] Yes, I love that. I love that. And just as you're evolving, just kind of following what your soul is, guiding you and telling you to do, it sounds familiar to me in the sense of me with fitness. It was like, I love talking about it. There's a daily practice there, but there's so much more. And the moment that I found more options and more tools outside of just working out was like gold for me, where it was like, Oh, whoa, there's so many options. And like, there are so many ways I can do good for my body that don't have to be just this. And yes, I feel you there where it's like it's so valuable. You're thankful for your experience with it, but you can't really ignore that, that calling and that shift there. And you said a key word for our conversation today, which is break ups, because I originally reached out to Laura to ask her to come on because she has been coaching a lot on relationships and relationships with yourself and being single and like doing the work there so that you can be in a elevated next level feeling type of relationship with yourself and with your your partner and probably with other people as well. So what kind of. Yeah. Inspired you to go down that route? I guess it was your own personal breakup. So what happened there? Paint that picture for us.

Laura Martin: [00:09:02] Yeah, actually, it wasn't my current breakup, so we planned. So currently right now I'm running a program called Sacred Singlehood. I plan to launch this in January where I thought I was moving in with a love of my life and I would be engaged in a few months. Right? Like we were looking at housing, we were looking at this whole thing, we were planning our leases and like this month, our leases end next month for him. We were planning on moving and I had planned in January to launch this being like I nailed it because before this I was in a two, two and one half year long domestic violent relationship. This was. Now it's been about, I want to say, five years since that chapter of my life. But there was drugs, there was drinking, there was domestic violence. I almost died a few times. Like and coming out of that relationship and realizing I was this quote unquote wounded bird and which was actually what stemmed all my health issues and everything behind that. But coming out of that and trying to go into partnership again with other people, I then turned into this protected self protected trauma response, quite frankly, an asshole. Like I was like, No, no one can love me. I remember this really good guy.

Laura Martin: [00:10:11] This is what changed the whole narrative. Like this really good guy. One of my best friends, we started dating straight after that relationship, which was way too soon, but we all do. It jumped into that and he told me he loved me and I went, Why did you do that? And it crushed him. It crushed the relationship like it was this whole thing that happened. And then, you know, he did it back to me when we, like, rekindled whatever. And it was one of those moments where I was like, I take radical responsibility and I am never doing this again to another human. So I had these sacred singlehood years of two years where I was like, I'm good, I'm healed. And I called in my current now ex boyfriend where I was like, Oh my God, wow. Like this is love. Like, this is so healthy, this is so magnetic. This feels good. It's like and I was at the space where it was like, this love is an extension of me, you know? And it still is. That's why I can lead myself through this. I love that man very much. This has shaken me to my soul. I did not see it coming and I'm perfectly fucking okay. Like it is just an extension of me and that's what led me to this love.

Laura Martin: [00:11:09] So the program came before the actual thing and I was like, okay, because I had shot a prayer up to God. If you guys don't believe universe source interchange with the name and whatever you choose. And I was like, Can you give me the death? I need to rise to my highest power? Because like I said, I kept getting that scratch and I was not making moves on it. So I was like, God, like, let me. I thought it was going to be some money mindset thing, some black thing. No, like business, like my apartment where we were moving and then my relationship and I was like, okay, I guess this is where we're at now. And of course, it's in the midst of running this program. And I was like, You make no mistakes, my dear. Like, let me lead myself through that. And it's just, you know, ten x what this program is of. Like, even when you do the work, that does not mean it's going to work out. That's not the point of this. You know, that's not the point of healing your nervous system. That's not the point of loving after trauma, being like, I'm going to find the one. It's like, how are you going to become that one for you? How are you going to feel safe in that? How are you going to understand that love is just an extension so that when you go into love, there's no attachments? It's okay.

Laura Martin: [00:12:11] Like, you know, it's never a guarantee. As sad as that is, it's never a guarantee that love's going to work out. It's never a guarantee that that's your person for a lifetime. It's never going to it's not a guarantee their health is going to succeed. You know, there's all these different kind of spinning points, but when you actually get regulated in yourself, it's like, okay, I'm good, I'm good. And I mean, it also is helping me hold my power during the moment. I'm like, I'm wanting to text the ex and doing all the things that we go through. It's like, Girl, look at the program you're running right now. Absolutely not. Hold your power. Like it's one of those things that it was unexpected, but it came from the pride of the previous chapter of my life, like previous Laura martin, 1.0 version to that in between period of navigating it to then falling in love and then seeing how that cycled in this moment, which I'm just here to surrender to it and just kind of ride the waves of it at this point.

Lunden Souza: [00:13:03] I love that. Yeah, you can't. What would my dad say? You can't control the waves, but you can pick which ones to surf. And so I think sometimes, like you said, you just have to go with it and it's like, lo and behold, you're in this single space again for yourself while you're leading this program. I mean, it can't ever be more perfect than it is, but I know sometimes you're like, Oh, that's not what I was thinking. That's not exactly what I expected. I did a podcast on breakups as well, and I got a lot of questions and a lot of feedback from that, which is why I think this conversation is so powerful. Relationships, breakups, all of that is so yeah, it's so real life. And I remember when I was single for about a year and a half, there were a lot of, yeah, moments of doing this work and kind of spending time with me where I noticed a lot of patterns in there were like, Oh, that's why these things, I don't know, keep happening. Or I keep seeing this same thing in a different form, you know? And there were a lot of moments where I was like, Oh yeah, oh yeah. I can see that. I can see that. So what patterns did you notice in yourself and like in your program and stuff like that? How do you help people like, you know, not just like, oh, look at you're making that same mistake all over again. It's like we need to have like you said, I don't know exactly what you said before, but you're like everything you do is great or like some little kind of pep talk to yourself you just mentioned. It's like, how do we kind of embrace and hold space for kind of really seeing these kind of loops happen and then being able to kind of take action to break?

Laura Martin: [00:14:37] Yeah. So for me, science is like my beef in making sense of things doesn't mean it heals everything. I still go through the normal human experience of breakups and all that kind of thing. But realizing this whole quote unquote self-sabotage thing, like pre this current relationship, I always chose, I don't know, like wounded men that didn't have the capacity to love me, you know? And it was always that. And I was like, Why do I keep re patterning and doing this kind of thing? And still, to be honest, like the relationship I just had, it had that but to like because that is ultimately why we broke up. He's like, I can't love you the way you want to be loved. And I'm like, Oh, what do you mean? Why is it still going? You know? And even though we're doing the work, it's at some new capacity, it's at some new things. Even if you're in partnership, you're going to have to do that. But we sit in silence looking at what a lot of people call self sabotage, you know, picking these bad boys, having these tendencies of jealousy or cheating or infidelity or the little petty arguments we like to choose. What we call self sabotage is actually self protection. That's all it is. It's your nervous system somewhere built up probably before the age of seven, but then somehow compounded over time before the age of 25, when you had no prefrontal cortex built yet or your ego is being formed, that is your self protection, all of your personality traits, everything that you are like right now, 95% of who you are is a cellular memory of who you've been.

Laura Martin: [00:16:08] So it's not to sit there and be mad at yourself and be like, Why do you do this? Why are you such an idiot? Why are you so jealous all the time? Why are you so insecure? Why are you like this? Why do you choose guys like this? Like all those voices they can come through and they're just an invitation to be like, okay, so I see that all these things have happened. These are the relationships I'm calling in. These are the tendencies I have. Thank you for bringing this to my awareness. Now I'm going to take radical ownership over that with the 5% critical thinking brain that I actually have and start to challenge these things. And what's going to happen is your nervous system is going to hate that. She's going to sit there and be like, no, like you're going to sit and like want to give space to your partner. You're going to want to like so prior to my partner, I'm attached, anxious, I'm crazy codependent, like all the tendencies of growing up in a addiction household, which is how I grew up. Very common. I'm very or I was very statistical in that arena. Like I had all those things.

Laura Martin: [00:17:04] And then coming into this one, like if you wanted to go out with his friends, if you wanted to do these things, it's like feeling that pull in your nervous system, understanding like, okay, so this is the thing that's being taken away. This is my reaction. How do I actually want to respond to that? And that's what comes from understanding and befriending your nervous system, because oftentimes we're just our body will feel something. So we'll feel jealousy, we'll feel anger, we'll feel like a tightness, like we'll feel it somewhere in our body. And then our programming, the emotional narrative, will then compound and create the story, which will then create the reaction. So if you can actually feel it happening in your body first and start to make sense with it, I like to use science. I mean, like, oh, that's where that feeling. Okay, so what's the way that I can replace this feeling with something that would give me that dopamine hit or give me that cortisol hit or give me something that would balance it and then create the different reaction from there. And so it takes work. Like I can't tell you how many get really good at saying I'm sorry. First step like sit there like and be when you're in a relationship knowing like it is going to trigger you, especially if you're on this self development like you know the difference between it and it's so funny because in those sacred single years it's like, I was so good, I was so good, I was so regulated.

Laura Martin: [00:18:19] I did all the things and then I got into partnership and I'm so not good surprise. And so it's being able to bring that into your actual relationship and being able to sit there and be like feel it and like you're not going to catch it right away. You're going to see your tendency come out and then be the first person to sit there and be like, Hey, this is what I saw. This is what I'm working on. Here's how I'm doing it differently. And like work with the people that you're with around that. You see this in friendships too, like triggered by your best friend or like one of your really good friends and how they do things in their success in business. Or they're like, you know, their relationship success. Like how can you have these conscious conversations that brings light to your shame in the shadow? Because when we bring shame, bring light to our shame, like we neutralize that and we organize it, which then tells a different story to our nervous system as well. Like it's there's just a lot to it I guess, but it really is. It just starts with feeling your body and then noticing what that reaction is, and then from there, starting a different kind of narrative. Mm hmm.

Lunden Souza: [00:19:17] And I totally relate to where you said, like, when you start to change some of those patterns, you're going to be like, you know, you're so accustomed to your patterns that when you change them, it's really uncomfortable. It can be really challenging and like you feel like out of your skin a little bit. One thing you mentioned was like during the sacred. Single years, and I was wondering if there's a time frame. I know that there's probably not a magical one for how long you need to be single. Of course. I remember when I moved abroad, a lot of people told me like, Give it a year. Don't think about if you like it or if you want to come home or anything, give it a year. And sure enough, after around that year, my mark, I really started to feel like a little bit more at home, a little bit more rational in my thinking. But these years or year or whatever, how long is the time frame? And I say this because I noticed a pattern in myself. I didn't give myself time. Like it was always like I was kind of out the door in one relationship and like on my way into the next one, like they're the last up until. So I'm in a relationship now and before that I was single for a year and a half. That was kind of like my sacred singlehood time. Before that, I had three boyfriends that were literally just like dominos, like, just like dun dun dun, right? And I kind of felt the same way. I was like, after a year, I finally started. Like, there was a time frame to where I was like, I couldn't even think about dating and I couldn't even imagine what it felt like to want to date and want to be in relationship. I was like, I don't think I'm going to be single forever. No way, you know? But then over time, you know, the healing process starts to take effect and things change and whatever. But one year, two years, how long? How do you know when it's time to start dating again?

Laura Martin: [00:21:03] I mean, that is up to the individual, like everything, you know, it's like, when will I lose those £10? It's like, I don't know. Like when you put the work in and do the things, you know, like everyone, especially if you've done trauma work or you're in the self development work or you're in the nervous system work, like you'll calibrate a lot easier. But just like you described it, you'll know like right now the thought of dating to me. I'm like, No, thank you. But I downloaded Bumble for a good 5 minutes just to make sure the other species still exists. And like, I could go date if I decided to, but then I was like, No, thank you. I don't feel like that yet. Because that thought, I'm like, in my body, it still feels like I'm cheating in my body. That feels like I would be escaping my loneliness, you know? And if if that's why we're dating, you're going to repeat the cycle in the next person that says, I don't want to date you. That's going to crush your heart even more because you didn't deal with the breakups or trauma. At the end of the day, your body is in the state of arousal. It's stored in your body. Like I can remember my first heartbreak from eighth grade.

Laura Martin: [00:21:59] Like we remember these things are stored in our body. I can remember the name, I can remember the feeling. And if we don't address any of these things, every relationship you have is just compounding on that. And like you're just going to project all these broken hearts on this one poor soul until, quote unquote, someone claims you and then all of a sudden you're going to be fixed. And it's like, no. And then you'll have these relationship problems in your marriage. And it's like, take the time. It could be three months, it could be three years, it could be whatever. But if you have hope, like it's knowing that there's the potentiality that it won't work out. And are you okay with holding that you don't have that conversation with yourself. It's not let me go find this person to claim me, to make me feel love so I can feel safe, so I can do this. It's like, no, are you okay? Even if that doesn't work out, do you feel safe in that potentiality? Then you're good to go date. Like then it's free to go do that because you're going without an agenda. You're going without these expectations. You're just going with like I'm going to because I feel good. And now this is an extension and it's an amplifier of this love.

Laura Martin: [00:23:02] I already feel and I feel good about this. Now let me go, you know, and kind of play around with that within your nervous system. I'm like, I get you, you're going to want to cling. And it's uncomfortable being single. Like the one thing, especially as women like it's uncomfortable at this age. When are you having kids? My eggs are getting fried. Like, let me get in this road. Like, it's like I get you and you're safe and rushing. It isn't isn't the option because just like anything, a quick fix doesn't actually succeed in anything. So when we get to this kind of, okay, I'm safe, I'm good, let me breathe into this focus on the healing and actually doing the healing, not just reading all the breakup books and thinking we're cerebral, cerebral, taking things in. It's like, no, take this into your body so that we can amplify this experience and actually come into a love that is expansive. Not that we're clinging on to thinking it'll make us happy, thinking it'll make us feel worthy, thinking it'll make us feel like we're belong. It's like that's why we keep getting into these little sticky pickles. Like, we got to kind of give ourself that space to find our own safety.

Lunden Souza: [00:24:07] Yeah, I love that. And I want to touch on what you said about, like, the possibility that something awesome. So you're feeling good about yourself, you're not going out into the dating world looking to fill anything. It's just like, I feel good. I'm ready to be in that space. And then that next point. I love that you mentioned like it can not work out. And what would that feel like? I think so often and I hear my friends say this and people I work with too, it's like, how? How do I know when he likes me and. It's like, Well, how aren't you figuring out if you like them too? Like, the vetting process really goes both ways, and sometimes that can feel very uncomfortable. The thought of, Oh my gosh, it could not work out. It's so great. But at some point they could find something that's not compatible about me and vice versa. Like I could see something in them. And I just feel like that pattern of thinking like, Oh my gosh, it's awesome and it has to work out or I'm going to freak out and like, how do I know when they like me? And just kind of this waiting for the other person to be the decider? And it's like, how does that play in? And how can we show up to the table like, you know, a bit more confident and also being able to, yeah, be cool with it, not working out and being able to have that courage to, to say like, Oh, red flag, you know, I don't want that in my life. Not a bad person. It's just like not that how can we kind of build that confidence to do to do that?

Laura Martin: [00:25:31] Yeah. That's dating yourself, right? Like, understanding, like, this is where it's so important. Date your friend's date, date your life, show up for yourself, like when you're looking for things around you to fill these voids that are more stable, like deep friendships, masterminds, mentorship groups, people in your community, impacts, purpose, like go look up Tony Robbins six human needs and please understand them. Like really start to integrate them into your life and understanding where you're at and how you want to amplify that. Like when you feel these things, then this person. It's just next to you. You know, I didn't get that for the longest time. My dad. Oh, my God. Every time. Because granted high. Co-dependency. Little recovery woman here. He would always say to me growing up like, stop giving people your star. Like, people just make your star brighter. Stop giving people your star. And I'm like, I don't understand. Isn't that love is not what you're supposed to do. Isn't that the point? So to get married, have babies, this person's going to justify my existence and make me feel like I am worthy. And it's like we chase that for so long. And then we sit there and we're like, Wait, I can have this love in my life, and I still don't feel enough. And that's why we create conflict and problems. And it's like, Go date your life. Travel alone. Go take yourself out to eat. Spend time alone off your phone. Stop thinking the dopamine and the likes are giving you this, like, approval thing. Like, go make really good friendships. Go get in like, rooms that terrify you and like expand your soul and do these things.

Laura Martin: [00:27:05] And I know, like, if I said this stuff to me five years ago, I would have slapped myself in the face too. I would've been like, Hell no, no, I'm not doing that. But like, if you're someone that you're feeling like you're unfulfilled and you're feeling like you keep repeating these toxic patterns and you're waiting for love to fix this hole in your heart and you're waiting for these things. It's like, baby girl, only you can do that. This love, even if when you get into it and he's the most perfect man. He has a ripped abs and he's tan and he's dark and he's handsome. And he comes to you in this white horse like you're still not going to feel fulfilled, because eventually you're going to get to a point where the oxytocin wears off and the testosterone and all the little, little bubbles after usually that three month mark, because that's when oxytocin stops, you're going to be like, Wait. I'm still feeling unfulfilled. What the heck? And this is when we start. I don't know, whatever cheating and what have you. Just find it in yourself. Like what? In you. What is it that you think the relationship is going to give you? And how can you start to give that a little bit more to yourself? I'm not going to lie. Relationships do give you things they give you. When you have that one thing, like we think options give us freedom. Like they actually don't like having one option that gives us a safety to explore.

Laura Martin: [00:28:17] I'm not going to lie that that is what relationships do, but you can't rely on it for that. You know? And so it's just like, what are you good journal prompts, like, what are you seeking from this relationship to get out of this relationship? And is there a way you can start to do that for yourself? And that does not mean, like what's coming up in my head would be like a contradictory thing, but like, what if I do that for myself so well and I become so independent that I don't need a man? It's like you won't because you're not doing it as a way of a defense mechanism. You're doing it because you love yourself in the way that like. The best thing about my relationship from the past was that he knew how to love me because I knew how to love myself. He watched how I set my house up and I made myself bubble baths and roses and how I cooked for myself and how I did things. He didn't. I didn't have to tell him to do anything. He just had to witness how I loved me. And so he was able to mimic that. And although it didn't work out, I learned so much from that experience and I was okay that it didn't, you know, because if it's not this, it's something more. And then we have that belief and continue that because how much love you have for yourself and how much regulation you have, it starts to paint the picture of actually what can come into your life and what you learn to.

Lunden Souza: [00:29:29] Date your life. I love that you said that. And it's yeah, it just it feels good and it can look different for everyone. And I love that, you know, you said like making bubble baths for yourself, cooking for yourself, showing, showing up without your phone, not trying to be distracted by what's going on and like looking up at the fresh air. For me, being outside in in nature and hiking and biking and just like exploring the world, getting dirty like that for me really feels like dating my life, bubble baths and self care and all of that feel just so good and really like I'm, I'm dating my life and I think that yeah. And I love what you said great journal prompt in fact those of you listening jot that down of like I forget what exactly what you said what am I seeking in the relationship and make a list there and then go out and try it on and do it for yourself. And, you know, safety, security, love, a lot of love is what comes up in the coaching. I do. I mean, my podcast is self love and sweat and sometimes I'm just like, What are you doing when you feel most love for yourself and you feel that like, Oh, it's a bath. It's this, okay, go cool. Go after it. Go do more of that. There's not a, you know, a specific thing. That's exactly what you have to be doing. It's just that figuring it out and seeking it out for yourself and doing more of that is a great way to teach people how to love you. I love that you said that of just yeah, you don't need to tell someone, hey, this is how you do it. If you would just do this, this, this and this and be all Nagy, then you would make me happy.

Lunden Souza: [00:30:59] It's like, no, just I'm happy, you know, I'm feeling good. And this is how I treat myself and this is what I do. And just kind of let your partner observe that. It's kind of like a healthy lifestyle, too. It's like, I can't just beat someone over the head with, like, eat this, do this. I remember my last serious boyfriend was had type one diabetes. And while he managed it really well, there was just like a lot of stuff. To piggyback on what you said about science where like when he got diabetes 15 years before he there was different science and different stuff that was coming out. And I think that he was really attached to some of the habits and routines and stuff he was doing. But I was like, there's so much, you know, just more research, more science behind some of these other protocols. And at first for a minute, I was kind of like, Hey, you should do this. And, you know, and then it was like, No, I'm just going to do those things because I could do them too. You know, they're great for me, great for you. And then slowly but surely, it would be like, Oh, cool, I'm going to do that or like participate in that. And that was really cool. I like that you said that because we have to practice loving ourselves, so then we can show others, but not like in a way of you have to do it like this. And these are all the to do's or things you need to do in order for me to feel loved, but just kind of be an expression of that.

Laura Martin: [00:32:14] Yeah. I mean, that's our one of our wounds, right? Like as women, we the difference between like feminine energy and energetics and things like that, if you guys are into it, we love the mothering energy. I know how to do things better. So here, this is how you should do it. And then we wonder why men are like, Stop doing that. Or we get mad that they're showing up like little boys and we want this man to come into our life. It's like, Well, then stop treating men like boys and you'll change that energy dynamic of how things happen. Because when you love yourself. You let them go, love themselves the way they want to do it too. You don't know how to live their life. Because imagine him coming into your life being like, This is how you should be eating. This is what you should do. Holy pickles. We would be like ripping our hair out, and I'd be like, Red flag, I am out. Goodbye. But yet we don't take that same advice where we're like, No, like, I do know better. I'm in this self healing world. I listen to this podcast here. Get in the car. Let me play the podcast right at this point so I can subtly show you how to do it. And it's like stuff like they will find it on their own time and like they will get to it, you know, like going back to like doing the things you love. Like I literally had a, like in the notes on my phone, it's called Laura's Dopamine Toolkit because when you're in states of arousal, going through a heartbreak, going through a hard time at work, going through a friendship thing, going through a diet thing, health thing, what have you, you can't make decisions like when you're in states of arousal, you can't make regulated decisions.

Laura Martin: [00:33:46] So those times when you're sitting there and you're like, Wow, my heart feels so open right now. I feel really relaxed. Jot it down. What are you doing? So when you're sitting in a conflict, when you're sitting in something that's happening and you're like, Let me fix it. Let me like, that's our natural thing, right? Like when something's broken, let me go fix this other thing and control something else. Let me control my body. Let me control my diet. Let me control my man. It's like. Or can you just go to the dopamine checklist in your phone and go find something that actually feels good to you and actually go do that. And then if you feel like you have to fix anything, focus on you and your regulation, not the shape of your body, not the way the person's reacting in the relationship, like taking full ownership over what's happening with you and allow that person the freedom to be an adult and pretend like they are like the power of all human beings. Like see that and then let that rise and that power like yeah, that's one of the main things I always see my friends do too, where it's like, Well, if he would do this and he would do that, all these kind of things.

Laura Martin: [00:34:45] And I'm like, Are you his mother? Like, I'm like, and then you wonder why he's dropping his socks off and not cooking dinners and not doing dishes. It's like, well, you're not speaking to him like a man, you know, like bring out the masculinity, bring out these things so he can also bring out your femininity in the woman and you. It's like understanding our conversation and our again, like. Your nervous system is going to want to fight against this, like it's going to be one of those things where you're like, Man, but I can do it better. I can do this. And it's like just kind of sit in that and yeah, I mean, it's a work in progress, but if you want someone that is going to treat you like a fucking queen, you know, own you like love, you do these things like the tendencies of the past, of controlling, of thinking. You can do it better, like just model it in your life, just model how you love yourself and they'll see it. They'll see you glow, they'll see you happy, they'll see this thing. And like, that will be a match, you know, it's not doing it, so they'll do it. I get that question a lot. Like, how do I get my person to do this? It's like you don't you do it like that's it. You release control and you trust.

Lunden Souza: [00:35:54] Yeah, you become it. I love that. The other side of the coin or maybe like kind of parallel like you mentioned nagging and being like if you would just do this, this, this and this. But I also see the other side too, with some of my friends where they'll say that, like in our conversation as friends, whatever. And then I'm like, Oh, we'll have you talk to your partner about this and like, have you shared that with him? No. He should like either he should just know or there's not confidence to share that. So it's like we're either listing our expectations and wondering why they're not met and they're perfectly listed on the whiteboard or whatever. And then or not making our expectations or what we would like need, you know, known and just like talking about them and complaining about them. I always say that's like table talk or like I think I always envision like and nothing wrong with that. So this is just my vision of like women coming to the table at lunch, like having their like lunch date with their with their friends, and then they're all just sitting and nit picking their partner. And I always say, like, I don't want to be that person. Like, I don't want to be that woman who brings like that table talk because I want to be able to have those conversations with my partner. I don't want to bash them when they're not there or like it's nothing wrong to share a story or an experience to help, you know, help yourself or help someone else like a friend. Oh, yeah, I went through this here. It was my experience, but it's a whole nother thing to just be like man, man behind their back and then being kind of resentful or treating them crappy because they're not like reading your mind. And so I kind of see that 2,000%.

Laura Martin: [00:37:24] Like that's the thing is why even talking about it on podcast or anything like that, like. My partner. His name was Elvis. I can't keep doing like, oh, my ex whenever my partner Elvis like we every single time we'd have a conflict. Tim and I first, you know, we sit down, we'd have like we scheduled it in every Friday and then if he was out of town or if I had a business thing, it was always like, we have our check in every single month. What went right? What went wrong? What do we want to do differently coming forward? And that's where the opportunity presents it. Because here's also the problem. We build it up so long until we hit a fuse and then one day we're fighting about the socks on the floor and then all of a sudden we're fighting about something from six months ago. And it doesn't make sense. And all these pats are flying like it's this built up tension where you can sit there and like it doesn't even need to be nitpicking. Like there are certain things where it's like he would say things and I'd be like, okay. And then like when we're settled, settle down and relax. I'd be like, Hey, is it a good time to talk to you about something really quick? Yeah, sure.

Laura Martin: [00:38:22] Or they're allowed to say no to. And if they say no, then within that 24 hour period, they have to come back with a better time that we'd be able to discuss. But like you can also say things playfully, like don't say that, you know, like in a joke you might not like mothering energy. Like that's such a trigger. You don't know my past relationship and this kind of thing and oh my God, you know, I'm struggling with that and this outfit and oh my God. Like the things we torment people on where it's like know men are very simple, you know, like humans in general are very simple. Like you're the only one that's caught up in your own brain and your trigger responses like, but you can have the conversation and if you're not there with your partner, what does that look like? How do you want the conversations to go so you don't have to talk to your girlfriends about it all the time? Like, you know, like I talk to my girlfriends about literally everything, but I've already talked to my partner about that.

Laura Martin: [00:39:08] And like when I say things, I'm like, if he walked into the room right now, I don't give a shit. Like he would know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm never talking about my partner in a bad way or no way. It's just we go through conflict. Here's what's going on. I do sometimes think he's an idiot. I tell him that out of love, like it's this constructive conversation. And it's like if you want this deep partnership that doesn't involve resentment or bitterness or what have you like, you have to have the conversation with your partner. And then my brain just went to this other conversation and imagine the depth of conversation you would have with your girlfriends if you weren't just bitching about your man the whole time. What would you actually know about your friends, what their dreams are, what their goals are, how they want to be loved, what their love language is like? I imagine the type of friend you would actually be if you also feel that conversation with your partner and how that was going. You know, like it's this two way thing. You want your depth on both spectrums. Like, how can you start to build that up?

Lunden Souza: [00:40:07] Mm hmm. Yeah. So good. I want to go back to breakups a little bit, because breakups can be really traumatizing and really challenging. And I remember and I actually shared this with you, like I went I was dating someone for about three years and I was living in Austria. We broke up pretty shortly after, as was my my pattern. I met somebody else and we were dating for not that long. It was like, I don't know, three or four months, but. It just was I don't know. It was it felt it felt awesome. It felt right. I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, this person's great. It was, you know, just kind of the lead up to it. And I kind of noticed the patterns a little bit, but I was like, No, this one, he's great, he's awesome, whatever. So it didn't work out and things kind of fizzled out. And I honestly felt like that breakup, if you call it, or me stopping dating this guy that we were just dating for a few months was so challenging and so traumatizing and so stressful on my body in a way that ending a relationship with someone I had been with for three years wasn't, you know, maybe I it was like a long time coming. We had worked on a few things, whatever. But I remember feeling so, so, so much more sad, angry, traumatized, all of that for this person I didn't even really know, you know? And so what's going on? I went so with sharing that story, I just remember feeling so like it was so challenging and I was staying with my parents at the time because I just moved back from Austria during the pandemic, all this fun stuff.

Lunden Souza: [00:41:38] And I remember having my friend Berkeley drive me out to this like country area where they were developing homes like 10 minutes outside of where we were living. And I would just we would go in her car and we drive out there in the middle of nowhere. And we would just like she would just hold space for me and I would just, like, scream and cry and just there would be like, rocks there from the construction. And I'd like throw it and it was like, oh my gosh, my body just needed like, this release. And so, yeah, what's happening to our bodies? I know you said a lot of science is so powerful in your coaching in life, like what's happening in our body going through that breakup and then like how can we best support ourselves while we're going through a lot of those intense emotions where we just feel like throwing rocks and screaming and doing the ugly cry sometimes? What are some ways we can support ourselves even more?

Laura Martin: [00:42:26] Yeah, I mean, and that's the thing is like if we don't give ourselves enough space, we are going to be dealing with breakups. When you go through a breakup, you're triggering things you haven't dealt with. The longer ones, like the longer relationships. I do feel like those are quote unquote easier because we see them coming a little bit more. It's not out of the blue, even like with infidelity and things like that. You're like, Whatever. I just wasted all this time with you. Like, Why am I going to be mad? Whatever. But then we jump into a relationship and all those emotions we did not deal with are not now compounded on this one. That was like it was three months. It ended out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming. And it's like the story that we tell ourselves is dot, dot, dot. Thank you, Bernie Brown. Like, we go through this whole thing and our nervous system hasn't yet calibrated right? Like we haven't figured out when when we're in relationships like our brain gets used to someone else helping us with oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin and these kind of things. And that's why it's so easy to do that, quote unquote. Like to get over someone is to get under someone else, you know, that kind of statement like. And we haven't yet calibrated the neurons in our body, our nervous system, to again be in conscious partnership, to actually close the doors from one partnership, to enter into another.

Laura Martin: [00:43:40] We're just carrying those same beliefs with us, you know, and it's just like, of course, in new relationships we're going to have old things come up from old relationships, but it's like giving yourself that space where it's like definitely scream, get it out of your system. Like you can't this whole like, let me just do yoga and meditate and fancy this man and do all the good things. It's like, I don't believe in that crap. I think just like, who is it? Turn to me, like the basis of all of her classes in New York, like, called the class. Look it up. I love their business model. It's like you have to scream, you have to get it all out. You have to do all this kind of stuff before you can actually drop in your body, like go through the seven stages of grief. I can't think of all them at the top of my head, but anger is definitely one of them. Like in allowing yourself to do that because we don't like we think anger is just this like. We fear it, you know, at the end of the day and at the end of the day, anger is just compounded.

Laura Martin: [00:44:33] Fear like anger is just a compounded emotion. But if we don't actually let our body get it out of its system, sadness, anger, jealousy, deceit, whatever we're feeling, it's just then compounded back into our nervous system and it just kind of stays in there and we never really get it out. And then we jump into a relationship and then that one doesn't work out. And then it's like, Oh my God, I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy. I'm all the narratives that we jump into realizing like, Oh, I just haven't dealt with that feeling. It's not even that person. It's just that feeling that we weren't able to express, you know, like, like this current breakup is dealing with relationships with my dad, you know, like that's the things that are being triggered. And to be able to witness that, like, oh, what emotion is this? Not like, let me nitpick him and blame that person and do all these kind of things. It's like, what are the feelings that we're feeling? Can you write that down? Can you feel that in your body? Then can you like your friend Berkeley? Amazing. Like go scream, throw rocks, find an abandoned house. My my favorite thing is go into my car driving on my way to, like, some type of sculpt class and screaming like the hallway.

Laura Martin: [00:45:36] They're getting it out of my system and then going and dancing in the middle of class. And I'm like, okay, we got the negative out. And now let's bring in the good like find what works for you and let that be okay. Like, you do not have to be okay. And it doesn't matter if it was three months or three years, you know, it's like your heart hurts, that is OC. Stop shutting that down. Stop trying to find that in another person. Stop trying to get other people to fix that for you and can you knuckle down and do the work and really see what's happening to your heart right now and let that be like there's a beautiful practice in Japanese. Actually did a masterclass last year on it. I think it's called Kintsugi where it's like they break bowls, what have you, and they glue it back together with gold. Right. But the whole practice of it is like when you're doing it and like the art form is it you take the bull, which is us and our fragile state, and they wrap it in a cloth, which is our survival mechanisms, which is your friendships, which is your business, which is your nervous system tools, which is your meditate, whatever.

Laura Martin: [00:46:37] It's that's what that is. And then they take the hammer, which a hammer can be a dual object, right? It can be something that breaks something and it could be something that builds something and they crack it. And it's this all the pieces fall, but they're still contained within this safe container. Right. Like and you watch as the human instantly wants to pick up the pieces and put it back together. And that's the healing part, right? That's navigating the in-between to find your way home, because witnessing yourself in your broken pieces and not wanting to fix it like it's normal to want to fix it. But can you just witness the pain without having it mean good or bad? With having it mean you succeeded or you failed? Like without it meaning you're never going to find someone ever again. Like that is not a narrative you need to build in like just a witness. The fact that, like, your heart hurts. It's not the most ideal situation this fell through. This is what's going on. And then you can start to slowly pick the pieces that you want back together, glue them and cover them with gold. I love that whole practice. I think it's so accurate for breakups, for navigating things like and that's I mean, I don't know UPS.

Lunden Souza: [00:47:44] Yeah, yeah. I love that. I don't I forget I met a couple that they lost a son and then they started this company that I don't even remember the name of it. You just reminded me of it where they would send you the kit to do that at home. Like to build your bowl and break it and then seal it with gold. And it was like a very powerful healing for in their life. And I thought it was a really. Yeah. Just exactly what you said. A great metaphor for this healing journey when we do start dating again and let's say it's been a year, year and a half, three months, whatever, as we mentioned, it's very unique to the individual. And but once we do step in, it's like, how do you coach your clients or even yourself too, of navigating like these red flags, but then also learning to trust again? You know, there's like that kind of bit of like, I don't want to get hurt, but I want to lean in too. So, yeah, how can we better notice these red flags when we do enter dating again? And how can we learn to. Yeah, to trust again.

Laura Martin: [00:48:43] Ask better questions. Like when you go into a relationship and you first feel like a red flag and you're like, I don't know. Like, Is that a red flag? Or is that just my trauma response to old programming? Ask better questions to figure it out. You know, it's not just being like, Whoa, oh, my God, no. You you said the same phrasing that my ex said no, like, och, no. That does not mean they're the same person. But you can ask better questions of where did they learn that? How do they treat? What is it like with their last relationships? How is their I mean, that's a very later in that relationship kind of conversation. But like what are their goals in their dreams? What's their values? Can you get to know that person outside of the story that you're telling yourself, outside of the relationships that you had? And then if a red flag comes up, say something around their political views or their health views or, you know, the way that they do business or the way that they've spoken about certain people. Like, Can you just ask better questions there? And if that question still continues to raise a red flag, get in your journal, journal and see what your soul says. See what your heart says, ask maybe a few more questions and then part ways if that's the case, you know, being able to sit there and like, okay, I understand, like this is my response because of like my ex, like he used to say like a phrase that my like really abusive ex used to say and to get my nervous system to be okay with that because it was like on the end of I love you.

Laura Martin: [00:50:06] Like both of them said, I love you and shit. I don't know why that was. Like, who taught you that and why do both of you say that of all things? Like in the first time he said it to me, I was like. Oc like OC. We're going to just go with that and like over time, like that wasn't a reason to be like, I'm never dating Elvis again. I'm never doing it like, Oh my God, how could he? Like, he doesn't know, you know, and he still doesn't know. Like, he didn't know that was a thing because I didn't think it was about that big of a deal. You know, it's an invitation for me to be like, you know, Marc Groves always says when you get triggered, get curious. Like do that. You know, when you see a red flag, that's perfect. That's fine. Trust your gut intuition. And then what practices are you doing to trust yourself again? You know, this is where that dopamine checklist comes in. That's is where you build your self love. Because a lot of times if you've been in a traumatic relationship or you feel like you've lost parts of yourself, you don't really have that intuition anymore. You know, like you have little bits and bobs because for so long you've been dying that down being like. I want to stay in this relationship to be lovable. And even though my soul is saying like, I don't want to do this, my nervous system is telling me to leave. Like I'm saying, like, what are some practices you can build self trust on? Like to be more aware of? Like, where are you breaking your own trust, you know, and how do you start to build that up? Like for me it was like no more hitting the snooze, like making my bed every day, making sure I'm eating my salads and my foods and like, keeping my word on the gym, keeping my word on my, like, different kind of things.

Laura Martin: [00:51:33] Like build your own trust with yourself before you try to figure that out with another person. And then when you go into the dating world, it's like, Oh, now I do trust myself and I know better questions to be asking when I hear these red flags and I can trust myself to walk away, even if because now I've done the work to figure out myself. And I know love is just an extension, so I'm not going to disregard the red flags anymore because I just want to be picked, quote unquote, like, no, like you love yourself enough to be sitting there to be like, okay, so what question right now ask to need to like what is that triggering in you? Like, what does that red flag against for you? Right. And then what are some better questions that you can ask around that? Like what value is that crossing for you? And then can you ask about a question that would dive a little bit deeper into that without attacking and making them wrong? Because if it's their value, it's theirs. You don't get to tell them that it's wrong, you know what I mean?

Lunden Souza: [00:52:23] Yeah, just asking better questions, getting more curious, letting them to letting them elaborate and share why they might have said something or where it came from before you put the ending to that story on it, or you're going to make a reason for it anyways. Might as well get the truth, or at least of some version of it from them. Go to the source. And I love that you brought up trusting yourself first before you can really learn to trust again. It's like build that rapport with yourself and all the things that you mentioned, like not pressing snooze, making your bed, do what you say you're going to do, get the things done that you need to for your business on the time that you said you're going to do them. Like always working on building that trust with yourself, doing what you say you're going to do allows you to believe that other people are doing that too. If you're not doing it yourself, how are you going to be able to see that in the world? So thank you for sharing that. I could talk to you forever. I love our conversations and I'm so excited about Sacred Singlehood, so tell us about that. And then like, how do you know if you are ready for sacred singlehood? You have to be single for a certain amount of time, fresh out a breakup, like who can join in and how can they get connected with you?

Laura Martin: [00:53:27] Yeah, it's so sacred. Singlehood is a three week immersion for anyone that has been through a heartbreak, and they want to fall in love with their heart again like they don't fear it. They want to know the tools, the regulation practices, all these kind of things. You don't even need to be single. It's just a good kind of title that I really loved because you can be in partnership and do this work. If you feel like you don't have the depth in your relationship and you feel like you're pouring from an empty cup, like all these tools and practices to help you re-enter the flow of your life and that in between periods. So when things are in flux, which they are, whether it's your relationship, your finance, your business, your people, your moving situation, like we live in an in-between moment. How do you create certainty in your life so you can regulate your nervous system and handle that shit? That's what this program is like. It is, especially at this point, like it's such a pivotal point to be running this. Like I will never again be single, fresh off the boat, and also doing a pivot in my business in the same time. Like it will never be this more potent than right now. And to be able to walk through that transitional time like I just the universe makes no mistakes. Let me tell you, my friend, I can't believe. But yes. So that will be over on Instagram if anyone wants to get involved in that or any of the other programs that we have. It's, it's a wild experience.

Lunden Souza: [00:54:46] Yeah. And I'll link everything in the description but tell us your, our social media handles and everything so those listening can connect with you like right now.

Laura Martin: [00:54:54] Yes. So my Instagram is it's Laura, Patricia martin. So it's Laura Patricia martin. And then our business one is healing to happy. So that's healing tio happy because sometimes people do the number two, it's not the number two.

Lunden Souza: [00:55:06] And we'll put that all in the description. Thank you, Laura, for being here to. Yeah. To share all your wisdom and all this value and your heart and you're so open. And I'm just so thankful for. For you and for the work that you're doing in this world. Get connected with Laura. Jump in her program. It's super awesome to know that even if you're not single and you're seeking that depth more in relationship, it's like we can always continue to improve on dating ourselves, whether we're in relationship, fresh off a breakup, been in the single journey for some time, it seems like everyone will be able to find some sacred single goodness in their life through this program. So thank you so much for being here.

Laura Martin: [00:55:45] Thank you for having me.

Lunden Souza: [00:55:46] Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self, Love and Sweat, the podcast. Hey, do me a favor. Wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self love and sweat and change more lives. All a. Around the world. I'm London Sousa reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose fueled by self. Love. And sweat. This podcast is a Hitspot Austria production.