Self Love & Sweat The Podcast

#92 Kindness to yourself & others with Scott Gates (my life coach)

August 19, 2022 Lunden Souza Season 1 Episode 92
Self Love & Sweat The Podcast
#92 Kindness to yourself & others with Scott Gates (my life coach)
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Lunden is joined again by her Life Coach Scott Gates talking all about kindness. What does it mean to embody kindness? What does it mean to be kind to ourselves? What is our kindness language? Being part of the kindness ripple. This is a  raw, real-life conversation full of moments we can all totally relate to.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
(0:00) Intro
(2:38) About Scott Gates (Lunden's Life Coach)
(4:00) The coach doesn't "make" you better
(7:00) 10 day workout & kindness challenge
(9:00) What does it mean to embody kindness?
(12:57) Being the kindness and seeing the kindness
(15:53) "Can I carry that for you?"
(17:40) Receiving kindness from others
(19:15) Endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin
(21:22) Struggling with compliments
(22:00) Emotions vocabulary list
(22:22) How do I want to show up?
(27:27) Kindness with boundaries, presence and values
(38:38) What is your kindness language?
(55:30) Kindness, first responders, military & COVID

Check out more episodes with & connect with Scott Gates:
Episode #26: Forgiveness with Scott Gates
IG: @gateswellness

Other episodes mentioned in this episode:
Episode #86: C.P.R. Healthy Lifestyle Revival

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IG: @lifelikelunden
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Twitter: @lifelikelunden

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Lunden Souza: [00:00:00] Welcome to Self Love and Sweat THE PODCAST, the place where you'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I'm your host, Lunden Souza. Hey, friend, it's me. Lunden Souza. Online Lifestyle Transformation Coach. I help people all over the world, just like you who know they are meant for more. Get their mind right and their body tight and go from crazy busy to crazy happy. And hey, if it's our first time meeting, welcome. So happy to have you. And if you've been with us for a while, it's so great that you're here too. I'm really excited to share this episode of the Self Love and Sweat podcast with you. Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast.

Today we're talking about showing yourself kindness. And we're going to just go through some questions, some ways to reflect on ways that we can be more kind to ourselves. And of course, sprinkle that onto others, too. And today we have a special guest. I'm not talking to myself today, which I like. I love conversations. And Scott Gates is here on the podcast today and he's been on the podcast a few times before, I think maybe like two or three times. He is my coach, my NLP and life coach and dear, dear friend. That feels more like a brother, like a really, really close, deep, trusted friendship and kind of advisory board all in one.


Lunden Souza: [00:01:46] And we've been working together for a really long time, like weekly for five or six years, and I just share that because yeah, we work together when I was living in Austria throughout a lot of different phases of my life, and it just always feels great to have coaching and support and accountability. And so him and I were talking about this last week during our weekly coaching call, and we talk about so much stuff that I feel like if everything was recorded as a podcast, it would be so cool. I mean, I guess I would everyone would be hearing my whole life story and my, my, all my laundry laid out, but I just mean in general. We talk about so many things where it's like, Oh, that could be a podcast, or we should talk about that on the podcast. So we're talking about this last week and this was your idea. Scott You're like, That sounds like a great podcast. And then I was like, Okay, you want to talk about it with me on the podcast and you're like, Yeah, sure, I'm game. So yeah. Scott thank you for being here. Tell us a little bit about you. For those people who are just listening for the first time.


Scott Gates: [00:02:43] For the first time, obviously. Thanks for having me on and your guys are going to hear me call. She's my little sister. That's all she is. That's the way I think of her. But we have to. I'm a certified NLP mind and mindset coach. It became a passion of mine about two or three years ago when actually it's probably four or five years ago now. God, it's been a time flies by when you're having fun doing the things you love to do. One of our mentors got me into NLP one day. She just challenged me one day and said, Show up here and I'm not a neuro linguistic programming guy. I'm not the brain kind of guy. And I enjoy emotions and artistic things and I love to love to meet people and have fun. And from that moment on, I just got hooked on helping people. And so it's been a transition for me. So my PT company got out of all the other things I was doing other than the family stuff I do. And this has just been a passion. And my sister became one of my first sort of clients, if you want to say it.


Scott Gates: [00:03:41] We've been working together before that. But man, when that took off, it was like, Oh, here we go. And it's it's amazing to reach out and help people and find that kind of have people find that joy and their place in the world and where they go. And that's really the cool thing is, is coaches don't do it. They do it. We're just if anybody's ever played sports, the coach doesn't make you a better player. You make yourself a better player. But someone has to show you. We all learn by watching and being told and in the assistance of others and experience. That's why I think we're so big on books. Right, if you could. If somebody puts their life experience into a book and you can read it in a week, in 52 weeks, you've read 50 to life experiences and you get to use them the rest of your life. So my joy is just helping people find where they want to be and where they want to go.


Lunden Souza: [00:04:32] Yes. I love it. I'm writing down some stuff that you said. Yeah.


Scott Gates: [00:04:38] We're good.


Lunden Souza: [00:04:40] I know it's different. I mean, it doesn't. I guess from the setup, it doesn't really look that much different than when we normally talk. It's just there's like a red blinking. There's a red blinking light that says recording there. So you just are reminded of it. But I love what you mentioned about coaches not fixing or like helping or doing the work for their clients, really just holding that space for being that guy, being that support and then having tools like you do with your background in NLP and mindset, which I also have too, which is why I like this work. I like to coach it and I like to be coached in that is to yeah, I like to so yeah. To be able to hold space for but then also to like be there with the right what I'm trying to say here, be there with the right questions. So it's like the guidance, the support, the, you know, the like when you go bowling and you have the blockers up kind of in the gutters there, it's like you're not you're not playing the game. You're just there for like that support and you're always asking questions to help me seek even more clarity. And I feel like that's really the, the, the ticket and that's what we do is like it's not like, hey, do this and you'll get this. It's just like, let's explore more of what that means to you and how that can be fulfilled in your life. And so, yeah, every week when we meet, it's cool because we kind of just go and meet where meet me where I'm at. And you're always great at asking the great questions and holding space for for me and my growth and learning.


Lunden Souza: [00:06:05] And over the past few years it's just been, yeah, it's been really fun and this is one of the fun projects that we are not projects, but like topics of things we get to talk about because it's one of the projects I'm working on right now, which is the, the more love, more sweat, ten day workout and kindness challenge. So this topic, you know, everything I do in my work, online challenges and all that, it's like there's always overlapping themes, you know? So it's like I'm experiencing something, leaning more into an interest of an area, wanting to see something more, see more of something in my life. And so I'm like creating challenges for more kindness, work out stuff like stuff I need to because like, yeah, we're all in this together. And so this particular project is what, you know, has brought about a lot of conversations between Scott and I in our calls and in our, our coaching sessions about this particular topic. And so, so yeah, that's why we're here to talk about being kind to yourself and showing yourself kindness. Because if you are in the more love, more sweat, ten day fitness and kindness or workout and kindness challenge, you know that the day one challenge this is already this is a live challenge that I'm running August 1st to 10th. So if that date is not for those of you listening, if that date is not now, like you're like, oh, that's already passed. Don't worry, you can still join the challenge afterwards. I'm setting it up so that anyone can join this challenge at any time.


Lunden Souza: [00:07:38] And the first day of the challenge, the kindness challenge is really about extending that kindness, that gratitude, that grace for yourself and for asking yourself first these questions that Scott and I are going to answer and just really root down in. Yeah, really root down. And what it means to be kind, what kindness means to you and just being kind to yourself first so that you can give it to others. Right. We've heard that maybe said in different ways, filling up your cup first, putting on your oxygen mask first. But that's really what we're talking about on day one. And so please join in on that challenge. You can find the link either in the description or notes wherever you're listening to this or watching this episode. So click there and join it and you'll see there's a lot of great ways to be kind and show up and it's not that hard to get your sweat on and spread some love. So join that challenge if that's interesting for you and you feel like it. And if you're in the challenge or you did the challenge and you're listening to this and you're like, Oh yeah, I was there, you know, I was in it. That's what we did on day one. And so the questions that we are talking about are the ones that you found in your day one email for those of you in the challenge. And so so yeah, I guess let's just jump right into these questions. I'm going to make you go first because I've been talking a lot. What does it mean to embody kindness to you, Scott?


Scott Gates: [00:09:07] Define it. Wow. I'll there's a few things that jump into my head. First of all, first of all, you have to expect nothing in return. Kindness is not a transaction that if I did this for you, why aren't you doing this for me? It's a ripple effect. So to me, kindness is how I want humanity to treat each other. So I want to be the kind of human being that is not like we're going to say today kind of myself. And that's hard for me sometimes because we stick ourselves up at high levels and try to try to reach a lot of stuff. And when you don't get there, you get down on yourself. And it's easier just to say at the end of the day, did I did everything I could. Yeah. Today I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but it was a good day. I'll hit it tomorrow. So. And I want to emulate how I want the world to treat each other. Now, it's really I work with a lot of veterans and law enforcement people and fire department or health care workers, people in the high stress world. That's the family I grew up in. So they're very dear to my heart. And what you notice with a lot of people is they are the first ones to jump in and head and run to the guns. As we say in the family, they go towards danger, which is really unique and it's a lot of different. There's a lot of different stress in both areas is we all have to be kind to each other.


Scott Gates: [00:10:30] And the most important place it has to show up is in the home. We're in Theta State and we go into all those kind of weird things later. But brain states things I've just started learning about that I didn't realize before. But we as kids download everything up until the age of seven. We learn exactly from watching everybody. So I liked it. And there's that old statement that somebody said, I think it was some kind of priest or something that said, If you give me a child until the age of seven, I'll show you the man he's going to be. So if you think of that, I grew up around Grandpa was a marine. My dad was in law enforcement. Mom was a nurse, grandma was a teacher. I was always around people who wanted to serve all. All my aunts and uncles. We were all lifeguards. We did all that kind of stuff. And so I learned what it was like to be kind by watching my family be kind. And those around me and especially coaches your first little. We all play sports, right. So. And your dad was a coach, too. So those first little steps into sports. Was it a coach that yelled or was it a coach that said, oh, man, that was pretty good. Here, turn your hands like this. Next time, try that. You'll get it. Go ahead, try it again. Those are the kind of coaches we love. That's a being the kind coach. We just we're just encouraging. We just want you to do better and you have to set the bar right. So kindness to me is how do you want the world to treat each other? That's what I want to be.


Scott Gates: [00:11:50] I don't care what their reaction is, I'm not responsible for that. I'm a gentleman. I was raised that way as my grandma. If I opened the door for a lady and the lady walks through and says, I'm perfectly capable of opening it myself, yeah, you are. Have a nice day. I don't care what her reaction is, I didn't want anything in return for that. I was being who I want to be. And when I watch my nephew go, wow, she was really mean. Yeah, she. Maybe she was having a bad day. It's okay. Let's just go. I don't dwell on it. I don't argue about it. I know I'm being who I want to be. So if you like to live in kindness and be around that, you have to start it. You are the center of the ripple in your world. We all have our own perspective and my world starts even on this podcast. I'm in my world sister's in hers right now and we're side by side on the screen. Right? But we all live in our own world, so I want mine to work more one way. And she wants hers to work. I want hers to work just the way she wants it. That's what coaches do. I want you to have the life you want. Let me help you get there. So that's. That's the kindness thing. Don't expect anything in return. And be the person that you want the world to work like. That's it.


Lunden Souza: [00:12:57] Yeah, we have similar answers and this has been coming up a lot, I feel like in this verbiage. So what I wrote down when I was doing this reflection and yeah, it kind of comes up in a different way or in a couple of different ways too, but is like kindness, embodying kindness to me as being what you want to see, right? You said like being showing up more of how you want to how you want to see more of what you want to see more of in the world going out and be it so or going out to be it be what you want to see. And my boyfriend says a lot like be it until you see it instead of fake it till you make it, be it until you see it. And then and so I feel like I hear him say that too. Yeah. Same. I hear him say that too. So the B and the C thing and then I'm doing research on kindness and looking up, you know, different articles. And I found something on I think it was the Harvard Health blog that said like the ultimate benefits, or it was talking a lot about the science of kindness and the health and science of kindness. And to yeah, I would say be more happy or to have more feelings of happiness. It was also great to be kind but also see kindness. So open up your eyes and look for more opportunities in the world where it's happening right to be like, Hey, och, look at that.


Lunden Souza: [00:14:15] One time I remember driving in the car with my boyfriend and we looked over just kind of at the same time. And there was this lady who was in the middle of the crosswalk that like turned around, came back to this guy that was in a wheelchair at the beginning of the crosswalk, said something to him, which was probably like, Hey, can I help you? And he said, yes. And she, like, pushed him across like she walked, but then she realized he wasn't coming, asked for help and kept moving, right? So like seeing kindness too. And so I just feel like the B and the C for this challenge, you know, is not is not the same meaning that my boyfriend says when he says be it until you see it, because that's about like something personal and cultivating whatever. But I just feel like B.S. that just is reminding me of a lot of different things in ways I can show up well. And so for this one, it's kind of. Yeah. Be it and then also see it in the world because our lenses matter as well. We can see horrible things all the time and we can also see moments where, you know, a little kids like having a moment with his puppy or, you know, you can smile at someone while you're walking, you know, just like or see other people engaging with each other and laughing and smiling sees somebody else hold the door open for someone.


Lunden Souza: [00:15:26] So that for me is really embodying kindness, be what you want to see. And then one of the things you said too is, you know, you can't control people's outcomes. So like when you mentioned like holding the door open for someone, you know, someone could be really triggered by that and have some seed, deep seeded beliefs that are like, I don't need you to help me. I can do that on my own and blah, blah, blah. And I remember one time in conversation with you because we've traveled a lot together and done some cool stuff together where you like, we'll carry my bags or something and I'm or do something that I like don't necessarily for sure don't need someone to do right. I can carry my carry on or I can open the door for myself. So it's not a matter of like actually needing like the physical power or whatever, but I always just naturally would say like, no, it's cool. I got it. And one time you said to me, like, but like, that's the man I want to be like I want to be the man that, like, carries the stuff when we're, like, getting in from the hotel and there's bags, like, I don't want to see other women grabbing all their stuff. I would just rather put it in. You guys could go in. We always rent like cool Airbnbs and houses and we do fun stuff like with other of our, other of our close friends who also do mindset coaching and stuff.


Lunden Souza: [00:16:34] We have like these empowering trips and fun stuff together. And so then I'm like, Oh yeah. So it's not also about being kind to others and seeing it, but then also as we kind of get bigger in that ripple, of course it starts with strangers, whatever, and we can also know. Oc Yeah, that's Scott. He likes to be kind that way and I'm just going to let him be kind the way that he wants to be. Even if for me, whether he carries it or not, I would never think, Oh man, that was rude. You know, I was carrying all this stuff and Scott didn't even offer to help. I would probably just be like, I've got this, you know? I'm like the girl that takes in all the groceries in one trip or all her bags. I always have all my bags, right? If you guys know me, I have bags, right? Always. I'm just like going somewhere for a couple of days. I always have, like, my overnight bag or this bag. So it's helpful when someone carries it. And I would never think any more or less, but that doesn't mean that it's that I don't need to allow my friend to my friend and coach to to do something kind in that way. So that's kind of what comes up for me when it comes to embodying.


Scott Gates: [00:17:36] That isn't I wonder if that is a big piece of kindness, though, is the ability to accept it and receive it.


Lunden Souza: [00:17:44] So.


Scott Gates: [00:17:44] I mean, to be given that that's a part of kindness to is even if it's not something you believe in, somebody went out of their way to do something for you. Remember, again, as long as they didn't expect anything in return and just accept it as a kindness, well, it doesn't define you. You know.


Lunden Souza: [00:18:01] It was on the The Huberman Lab podcast, which is one of my favorite podcasts. They talked about that, like the science of it was, I think it was more on gratitude. So like gratitude list versus extending gratitude to someone, all these different things. And what gives you the most benefits, like the best benefits, like physically, psychologically, all those things. And that was the most benefits was not in the gratitude list was not in me giving you gratitude, Scott and being like, thank you so much. You know, it was actually the best benefits for you being able to receive it fully and being like, okay, yeah, I did. You know, whether it's the compliment or the thank you or whatever this particular study they were talking about was on gratitude. So maybe there's something to do with being thankful versus doing something just kind of overall. But whatever it was really in being able to be like, okay, well, yeah, and I did that and I'm, you know, I did that. I'm accepting that apology that that thank you. Not the apology, but I'm accepting that. Thank you. And they found that those were the best. Like that's that's where you experience the best benefits was in the receiving process of gratitude. So you're on to something there.


Scott Gates: [00:19:11] Well, it makes perfect sense. So let's take the we'll call them the feel good chemicals inside us. Right. Endorphins. Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Right for good. The first two are very selfish. We can call them selfish endorphins. Go for a run. They just mass pain, right? Everybody's hit the wall when you're in sports or something like that and you push yourself through it. That's what endorphins are. You see people get hurt, but they carry on and help somebody else in an emergency just and they don't feel anything. The endorphins start pumping and it just covers the pain so you can get it done. Dopamine is that. Hit the target. Find what you're looking for. Thing like we won the game and you get ya and everything's excited. Serotonin is the serotonin is the leadership chemical. It's the one that makes people the leadership that gives them the the I don't want to use the word self confidence. That's not quite it because I think we get confidence from outside, but it gives them the ability to know that they can help people and they will put others first in front of them. Like in the military. I see it all day long. It's like you can ask somebody, Why did you do that? Because they would have done it.


Scott Gates: [00:20:26] For me, it's just this. It's just bond. That's unbelievable. Oxytocin is the big one, though. That's the warm fuzzies, unicorn rainbows feel good kind of thing. But it's interesting because oxytocin, like when women give birth, huge surge of oxytocin creates the mother child bond. Right. But you also get that with everything else you do. That's why we have commencements and graduations and things. And we want to recognize people and businesses and stuff and say, hey, look what they did. They're amazing, but that person will stand up there and say, I couldn't have done it without my parents. I couldn't have done it without my coach. I couldn't done without these people. That's that recognition. Like those people receive it and feel just as an emotional about it. But the cool thing is, is serotonin and oxytocin actually lower cortisol, the stress hormone, they our immune systems kick back up. We feel like we're we're feel like we're part of the group. So kindness being able to receive it, some people just struggle with that and it's hard. I struggle with sometimes compliments. I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm okay. Don't you know nothing? It was nothing. And it is. And I have to change. That's what I work with my coaches on, right? Change those. I think you're right.


Lunden Souza: [00:21:40] Even the kindness to it's like even in this challenge, you know, complimenting, smile, eye contact, all of that. So it's like even in compliments to be like, Oh, I like your hair. You know, it's like, okay, thanks. Instead of being like, Oh, it's greasy. I haven't watched it. Are you sure? You know, it's like allowing the the compliment to come in is a good one too. So number two, we get to I've had I've, I've shared this on the podcast before and I know we've talked about this, but the book, The Nonviolent Communication and the book Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown give you so many great, awesome words, like literally vocabulary lists on feelings and emotions. It's just so cool to have a variety of them. So I've been thinking about different ones too. So I just that's why I added in this question, so we can kind of broaden what it's going to, what it feels like in these ten days and just in general. So if you're in the challenge or not, just like broaden our vocabulary on more kindness words so we can have more descriptive words of how we want to show up. So what are other words that come up when I think of kindness that I also want to embody? Okay, I'll go first. Since you went first, last to the words that come up. When I think of kindness, have been considerate.


Lunden Souza: [00:22:58] And conscientious. And yeah, compassionate, but really considerate and conscientious have been in this pool of kindness for me when I've been thinking about it in terms of more describing words. So yeah, I think that there was just yeah, a variety of experiences over the last couple of months where either I, yeah, I noticed moments where I could have been more considerate or others could have been and just like, yeah, wanting to be more considerate because of a result of those incidents of I'm sorry, because of a result of those situations I was in, I was kind of like, okay, yeah, I don't want to be like how I was. I also don't want to be a how like that person, how I saw that person behaving like I want to be more considerate and so considerate, conscientious. There's a lot of awareness in that for me. So for kindness, it's just kind of like it's more, it's, it's more than just about you. Lunden. 


[00:23:57] Like look around a little bit like look up away from your phone, open your eyes. What else is going on? You know, how can you, like, be a little bit more like involved in your fellow humans existence and noticing what's going on be available to help? So that for me is what's been coming up with kindness a lot. What about you, Scott?


Scott Gates: [00:24:20] Okay, so I just started doing things and I'm going to try and do different words because I think we I talk, we say a word and we almost say it at the same time because we're thinking the same way. So one that I think that is a big need in the world right now is empathy. And empathy is not just kind of letting someone say something and not caring about it. Empathy is literally putting yourself in the other people's shoes. And if you can do it in a way that you actually understand their side of an argument or their side of their beliefs or anything like that as well as they can, then you are truly starting to understand them. Okay. We don't do that a lot. We like I get I get a little upset sometimes when I go over and I. I met my folks house. Alderton They lived down the street. They have some challenges, so I'm always over there helping out and doing things and just spending time with them. And my dad is my hero. I literally would listen to him all day long and be happy. And so he sits there and they watch Fox News and he wonders why he's stressed. And I'm like, Why are you watching this crap? It's okay to watch for an hour in the morning and kind of find out what's going on and maybe what the story is.


Scott Gates: [00:25:27] But I said I got a question at 9:00. They said this. They said it at 11. They said it when I was back over here at two. You're watching it again at six and it's frustrating you. What are you watching it for? I like to be informed. Didn't you learn it the first time? All I'm hearing is people replicate this all the time. And so I said, so let's start listening to the other side rather than listening to people. Just argue both ways. We raise our voices. We don't talk. It's almost like you can see it when parents you can tell when parents are getting a little frustrated. I see it in my sister with her kids or or my other sisters that have kids and stuff like that. It's like, hang on a sec. Are you okay? And they're like, What? I'm like, Are you okay? Because you're yelling, No, I'm not. Yeah. Listen to the difference in my voice. In your voice. Now you hear the volume. Let's be a little more empathetic towards everybody, a little more patient. That's another word that's very lacking nowadays. You see it on the freeway. Well.


Lunden Souza: [00:26:27] Real quick, I like empathy, too, for people that we know and love. And then also like strangers on the street, we never know what they might be going through. So it's like sometimes through our experiences with people that we do know and love, we know that shit gets hard and things can be really challenging. And so it allows us to, I think, engage a little bit better and be aware and be more connected. I think that helps. So when I think of empathy, it's, it's both like, yeah, understanding your close peeps and people around you. Yeah.


Scott Gates: [00:26:56] And when people aren't too. Yeah. When people aren't quite themselves we notice that because we know them. But people we meet all day long could not be being themselves. But you think they're being mean and they're just having a really bad moment. So how can you empathize with that and be kind in that manner? Another one I threw down real quick is acceptance. I have my way of seeing the world. You have your way of seeing the world. And everybody listening to this has their way to see the world. And there's nothing right and nothing wrong. It's just how we see the world. So be accepting of the way somebody else wants to see the world. But you've got to sit and we talk about this all the time. You've got to stick to your values. The values are who you are. You can disagree. You can have totally different views on everything. Here's another one is Here's a way to be kind. Let someone else say something that makes your blood boil. Give them the moment to be heard. And you should be allowed the same thing. And if you're not. That's a decision you have to make from that point. But I'm never going to get violent or physical or I don't have to raise my voice. Sometimes you can say less or say more, I guess with less.


Scott Gates: [00:28:05] People will listen to you. And then another one would be focus and you talk. You jumped on that real quick, cell phones, those kind of things. It's also the other word I have is present be in the present moment where you are right now with who's around you. I've had nieces and nephews over from. They come out from Pennsylvania. And of course, I'm in California right now. So you go to the beach, you have fun in and out. All those things they want to do instantly when they get here. And I catch them on the same couch texting each other. And it just boggles my mind that you wouldn't want to have a close conversation, because I think one of the greatest things was Zoom, especially in these days, is it literally sits it's like we're talking across the table like we are on retreats or we're going somewhere and we're just are jumping off each other's energy and it's fantastic. And podcasts and all these things give you a chance to hear somebody's voice. There's nothing more human than that. And we need it. Texting won't do it. It's two dimensional. You can't read emotion into it. I don't care how many emojis you put on it, it's never going to be the same thing. 90% of communication is in expressions.


Scott Gates: [00:29:09] How do you get that in a text? How do you emojis we know doesn't work and we are social animals, so we're very adept at that. You know, it's like there's times we get on a call and I can see right the moment you get on in, the camera comes on. It's like, Oh, what's going on? What's wrong? You don't have to say a thing. I can just you can feel it. That's who we are as human beings. And that's an amazing feeling. And we lose that sometimes when we're engaged in your kids want to do something and you're not. You're on a cell phone talking and I understand business, don't get me wrong, that's there. But why do you check it at dinner? Tell me what's going on. I mean, I have parents that I'm the number in case of emergency. And there are certain times during the day that, you know, things are going on and I'm worried about falling or anything like that. And so I would pay attention to my phone, but not to the point where I disengaged with everybody. In fact, I've gotten really good at saying, Hey, right now is about the time. Dad's kind of in the shower and stuff. So I'm my phone's here and if I pick it up, he's the only one it's going to ring through because they're on my favorites, right? Otherwise I'm going to turn the phone off.


Scott Gates: [00:30:14] Is that okay with you? And people are like, Oh, oh, yeah, absolutely. Of course. And then it's like, now we're going to talk. It's like you and I, we have our calls. Every other device I have is off. I don't I don't forward my phones to my computer. Nothing gets done. It's just I'm just here with you. And let's let's give that opportunity to have those connections again with everybody. And it's everybody, people at the store, people at the gas station, anybody you come across, just be present in the moment, even a thank you. I mean, how many times have you walk by somebody? I've done it too, texting or doing something. And like you said, somebody goes high and you just go high and you go right back to your text. I'm trying to get better at just stopping and saying, Oh, I'm so sorry. I was just off in my world. How are you doing? You know, thank you so much. Just that little bit of kindness and that recognition. Nothing is probably worse than than not being recognized by other people when you're having a bad day. I guess. Yeah. Those are the words. Yeah. Hopefully it's a.


Lunden Souza: [00:31:17] Good. Yeah. You said something I think too about kindness within your values. And I wrote down like kindness with boundaries because I think that's important to is like kindness doesn't mean just like doing all things for others. Like we're talking about being kind of self yourself first and we'll talk about that one specifically next, like what we feel like that means. But yeah, you know, you don't want to stretch the kindness stretch Armstrong at both ends until it rips, right? It's being able to be the kindness you want to see in the world in a way that's always or not always, but also hopefully always also congruent with your with your values. And you guys have some good episodes on core values. There's one called the CPR method that I'll link in the show notes that you guys can hear a little bit more on core values. This is something I do with my one on one clients and Scott's Scott's done done it with me. So it's very, very helpful to have this set of core values that basically are the rules to your game. They're your personal commandments of how you want to show up in the world. And it's a really fun activity. So check out those episodes if you want to dig a little bit deeper in that. But yeah, there's also kindness in honoring your boundaries for sure. For sure. Your kindness language. Oh, go ahead.


Scott Gates: [00:32:38] We have to live in that congruency. You have to be you, right? When you're not yourself, you're not happy. If you're not happy, people around you aren't happy. And that translates to the people around them. So you started this ripple of this person you don't want to be or you're not you. So and it's hard. I'm a fixer. I've always been a fixer personality. If mom calls me up and says, Hey, this isn't working, I'm like, already in the car with a load of tools trying to take off and go fix it. And she goes, No, no, I don't need you to fix it. Just tell me what to do. I'm like, okay. And it's hard for me not to just jump in. It's I'm a that's the kind of guy I was raised to be a fix things around the house, built houses with dad. I fix everything. I don't just buy things. And so and I love to build things too. So when you find and it's also a great discover because usually you know who you are by the time you're 15 or 16 or so, you're really you who you are. And it takes a lot of work after that to do it. So these basically everything we see and we learn is a program, right? We all are breathing right now. Our heartbeat is going. Our blood pressure is being controlled. Subconsciously it's a loop. It just plays, hey, when I get excited and hey, Lunden comes on and it's Monday morning. Hey, cool. Let's fire off this week.


Scott Gates: [00:33:54] Let's get going. Everything goes up on me. I don't go like, okay, hold on. I'm talking to Lunden. I need to raise my blood pressure, okay? My heart needs to get a little bit faster because I'm happy right now. It's all done. So all these things happen in the background a lot. Now you can do it. You've taught me things about Breathwork and all those kind of things that are these new worlds to me, that I get to reach out and stick my my toes in and explore and try them so you can consciously do it. That's consciously you can take it over. So to get rid of a habit, if you're in a habit of always being angry and frustrated. That that goes over to your kids. It goes over to everybody. In fact, there were some studies from. Why don't I see it? That I read it? I read it somewhere. I'm sorry. I'm not going. Remember where I read it? Studies were shown that parents who work late have almost a nominal effect on their children. But parents who come home frustrated and stressed from work, their kids are more likely to become bullies. So you're just. Just you being who you are, kind of yourself happy in who you are and being. I always call my tell my. A lot of my clients or guys I tell them be the man you want to be. There's no excuses for that. Just be who you want to be. And when you're doing that and you're working on being that present in yourself and kind to yourself by being who you want to be, you're not responsible for the reactions of the world.


Scott Gates: [00:35:19] Listen to him and you should empathize with how other people see the world. But you're not responsible for their emotions. Right. But now you're being the man you want to be. Is that directly reflected? And if your kids are young enough, they're being downloaded into your kids. How you treat your wife, how you talk to people on the phone, how that person that calls you at 9:00 at night when you're right in the middle of dinner, you go, Oh, damn, people interrupting me. Well, what do you think the kids see? They downloaded that. Is that a loop that's going to play in their head 20 years from now? And they're going to wonder why they're always like that on the telephone. It's interesting to tear these things apart like we do and get down really into why they're happening. And then there's techniques and things you do to try and rewrite the loop or put a new loop in place so that it's done subconsciously. So I like to tell people who played sports, you've done it too, right? If you go swing a bat 1000 times, you're going to be better because it's muscle memory. Well. This is one big muscle right up here. So you have to retrain it and you have to be very, very focused on it because it can run away from you.


Lunden Souza: [00:36:21] Really quick and focused. Those are some words I can think about when it comes to retraining, right.


Scott Gates: [00:36:26] Be kind to yourself when you're not the person you're supposed to be. Just say, Oh, shoot, that was getting away from me. I thought I saw it. Great. Remember, it used to run automatically, and you wouldn't see it until someone else said, Did you? Having a bad day? What's up with you? What's wrong with you? And you're like, Oh, I'm just having a bad day. Why did you stop it? Can you can you catch it quicker? It's like, how many times would you swing a bat before you realized you had to turn your wrist a little bit more or drop your elbow, or you need to move your hips a different way? And then you're like, okay, that's the right way to do it. That's what I got to practice. Just practice being kind to yourself and others, and you'll be surprised how the world turns around and comes and get you. It's like buying a car. You go buy that one brand new car that you don't think anybody else has because you haven't seen it. But it's the one you've always wanted and all sudden you drive off the lot and are four of them go by. You're like, Oh, well, your mind's looking for it. Now you go find it, you can go find it. If I walk into a room of people that are angry, I'll find the happy one. That's the one I want to hang out with.


Lunden Souza: [00:37:24] I don't want to be. Yeah, you can always I mean, I there's been times where I'm like, oh, my gosh. Everything is everywhere, all over the place. I'm going to go on like a nature walk and look for everything beautiful I can find, you know? And you can find a flower in the middle of a like for one purple flower in the middle of a green, all green bush or something, you know, like there's so much you can find if you really want to find kindness, beauty, if you really want to see it, you can find it. And sometimes it's like, yeah, stomping outside of like, Oh, okay, I'm going to go on a kindness walk. It's a beautiful walk. I go out for it. Totally.


Scott Gates: [00:38:01] Yeah. You make the choice. I'm going to look for kindness today, literally. There's one of your challenges. Go outside and just say, look, I'm going to look for kindness all day.


Lunden Souza: [00:38:08] Long and make a list.


Scott Gates: [00:38:10] That's what I want to pay attention to. I don't want to pay attention to the rest of it.


Lunden Souza: [00:38:13] Well, yeah. And you just see more of what you see, you know, like when you're looking like you said with the car thing, you start to notice that more. It's just, yeah, we have, we just get to change our filter of what we start to notice even more. The third question, our last question that we had in in the day, one of the more love, more sweat, workout and kindness challenge that we're talking about today is what types of random acts of kindness feel good when done to or for me. So this is something that I've called. I don't never, you know, don't know if it's a thing. I just kind of made it up because it reminded me of the love languages. So I've called it like your kindness language because yeah, it's one thing to know if you're close friend or your partner or someone you're in a close relationship with. Like it's one thing to know, Hey, that's them. And that they like acts of service and they like this. But it's another thing to be during your everyday interactions with people on the street, at the grocery store, at the gym or wherever. Like it's another thing we don't know. Exactly for them what feels like kindness. And over the last month or so since I've been reaching out to a lot of my friends and colleagues and people that I admire and respect and asking them this question, you get to see that there's a lot of crossover and there's a lot of similarity in what we all find to be kindness when it comes to the way we're being treated by strangers.


Lunden Souza: [00:39:42] And it's been really cool to listen to specific stories from people on social media. I've been sending me these amazing kindness stories of just moments where it's like, Okay, yeah, kindness is this, this, this, this, and this for most people. And it's also insert specific stories. So I want to do both of both of those things today. So what's been coming up in most or most popularly in the answer to this question when it comes to when when a stranger is being kind to you, what are they doing? And it's holding the door. It's the eye contact. It's saying hi. It's saying thank you. It's helping. A lot of what people will say is helping when they notice that someone needs help. Right. And that's a quick sentence. Yeah. Just helping when you notice someone needs help. Well, that's a lot. That's like, like we said, opening up our eyeballs enough to notice notice that someone needs help and then actually help too. Because how many times have we maybe noticed something and then been like, Oh, but I have an appointment in 15 minutes and I'm on my way to walk into the grocery store to grab something, you know, there's like that hesitation and things, you know, or that, you know, I used to be a really big, true crime junkie.


Lunden Souza: [00:40:54] I would listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and there would be like eyewitnesses to certain accounts that were like, Yeah, I was going right and they were going left. We thought she looked like she was struggling, but we were on our way to a doctor's appointment, so we didn't turn around. We just kept going to our appointment, right? So there's also like helping when you notice someone needs help, but then we can notice how maybe we put the brakes on a little bit when it comes to that. So that has been some common themes, like holding the door, eye contact, smiling, helping when someone needs help. People have been saying a lot of stuff too, like just complimenting genuinely. Like, you know, there's a difference between like. There's just a difference between like, oh, yeah, thanks for that. And then like, hey, thank you so much for that. I really appreciate you like the genuine I guess that's a very dramatic example, but that's like, you know, noticing the genuineness and a compliment. So that's been common. What would be other specific, let's say quick moments or stories or things that you can recall where you're like, oh yeah, that one time that person, I don't know did this. You know, I have a couple stories that I can remember in my life, but you can go first. If you can think of any. I know you can.


Scott Gates: [00:42:06] Oh. I was on a flight from actually from. What's the. It's the Delta hub in. Is it South Carolina? North Carolina?


Lunden Souza: [00:42:20] Yeah, I think North Carolina.


Scott Gates: [00:42:23] North Carolina. So I have a lot of family in the military. And and so I was on an airline, and it really woke me up to how to be kind to someone. And what it was, was someone I was traveling with. We were on our way to Washington, D.C. and we hit that little hub and we got on and and every now and then, we'll splurge. Splurge. And we were in first class because sometimes long flights. I'm I'm fairly tall, so I don't like being cramped up for too long. And so we were in a first class seats and we were sitting there and this older man comes on and he's got a Vietnam veteran hat on, like most of the military guys are very proud of where they've who they've served with and things basically who they've served with. It comes on the plane, heads toward the back, and my friend gets up, walks over to the stewardess and I don't know what's going on. And he goes, I'll see you when we get off the flight. He goes kind of like, What are you talking about? He had walked up to the stewardess and said, I'd like that man to have my seat. I'm going to go to the restroom right now.


Scott Gates: [00:43:29] Just point to where you want me to go when he's done. I don't want him to know who it is. I don't want to say I don't want to thank you. I don't want anything. I just want him to enjoy the flight and take care of it. And if he needs anything, let me know and I'll pay for it. And I thought. Wow. What I didn't realize is he knows I have an affinity for sitting and talking to the older generation. That's my grandpa did it both for him, and he did it for me. I got an amazing conversation with a guy who I had actually heard of the units he was in. I mean, I had a brilliant flight. He had a flight. He goes, Hey, how was that? And I was like, Dude, you rock. That was just like the best flight ever. I would have rather sat next to you, too, but I wish we could have all been there. So it was almost like a double header. He not only did it for a gentleman who's who's earned it in our eyes, but he did it for me. And he went and sat in the back of the back of the bus, you know? Yeah, I just.


Lunden Souza: [00:44:26] Got there.


Scott Gates: [00:44:26] That's just a rock in this thing I've ever seen anybody do. And I'm going to I'm going to pay that forward some time. The next time I can find myself on that flight, I'm going to pay that for some gentleman like that. I just thought that was the coolest thing. That's probably one of my best.


Lunden Souza: [00:44:40] I hadn't thought about that until then. Giving your seat for someone like as a random act of kindness, like, you know, some of the ones that just you think of or you're like in Austria, that was really common for when any time you're on public transportation, if anybody elderly. Like not even super elderly, like just anybody that just kind of remotely old or walks in. And there's someone else that has a seat, like you stand up immediately to let them. And then if you're more younger and just can stand for a while and hold on to the polls or the different things that require some core strength and balance, and you can do that. So yeah, I love that story about giving someone your seat, which can be done in a lot of different. We can all think of moments where we've been different places where it's like, Oh yeah, you sit here instead all stand super kind. That can be really kind. What comes up for me is when I was in. When I was in sixth grade, I went on a trip to Washington, D.C. in New York City with my class, my school class. And I had saved up money and I'd gotten this wallet. It was like this zip up wallet. It was like flannel. Like it was like flannel material, you know, like. I just remember because I was it was, like, super stoked.


Lunden Souza: [00:45:46] And I had saved up money. I don't know. It was like 300 bucks inside my wallet. That was like my spending money to go to to go to this trip. Right. So when we go from Washington, D.C., to New York City, I left my wallet in the hotel and I was like, oh, my gosh. I was like, so sad. I was like on a school trip. Luckily, we found a way a friend's mom was on the trip to that obviously could help if I needed extra money or just whatever, you know, different things. So a couple of weeks later, we called the hotel like, I don't know if they found it or not. It was it was a long time. I mean, I guess we could have called with the house phone, but it's like you don't email support or something, right? We were just like, oh my gosh, hopefully someone finds it. We didn't know where it was. We were looking everywhere. Someone sent it back. So I think it was the hotel maid. Like, we just got it in the mail with all the money in it, everything was in it. So that reminds me too, that kindness is just like turning things in that aren't yours. Like if you find a phone or you find, you know, it could have been easy for anyone to take that wallet and, like, taken the money and still return the wallet with all my stuff in it and be like, Hey, sorry we found it.


Lunden Souza: [00:46:54] There was no money. No, sorry. You know, you could have there's also, like the middle ground of niceness, right? Sometimes canceling your cards. I know I was young then, but like as an adult, you know, canceling your cards, getting all that stuff, that's a pain in the butt. Sometimes you would wish, like, just take the cash and give me my stuff, right? Like, but this was everything. They had everything all there. And I was so happy and so thankful. And I just remember sitting on the couch with my parents, like, opening that box and being like, No way, there's no way. You know, I guess I had my, like, ID card with my address in there, like my info inside the wallet. So they sent it and I got it back and that was really awesome, right? So those are those moments too where you find something or I remember too, there was like a kind of a. I guess. I don't know if it was like a hiking culture. That's not what I mean. But like in Austria, if you found something that was like on the ground and you didn't want to bring it back because people go back and forth to look for their stuff, it's like you just hang it on a tree, you hang it over like the fence.


Lunden Souza: [00:47:55] Or if they're looking for their jacket and you found it low, put it high so they can see it when they're walking, you know? So it's like just those moments of like, Oh, hey, I notice somebody else is something I don't know. They're probably missing it. I'd miss my stuff to how what can I do to help a little bit make the situation maybe a little bit easier or better or whatever. So I think, yeah, I just think that kind of yeah, opening your eyes and being aware to other people things that they might have lost, that's cool. And that can be a really great opportunity for kindness. That happened to me too. Oh, my gosh. Maybe this is part of my kindness language that I'm uncovering right now, because one time in Austria, I had my whole I maybe told you this, Scott, I had my whole oils container, right? Remember the, the big box I would carry around. So I just always would have my oils with me. I left it at the bus stop by my house and I went to work to Runtastic at that day with probably my gym bag, my backpack, all my other bags that I always have. And I just didn't realize that this one was missing. And luckily I post on Instagram all the time, and so I would share stuff about oils and open up my oils kit and show different ones.


Lunden Souza: [00:49:06] And so somebody from Instagram who lived in my town happened to be at the same bus stop that I was, but just a little bit later and saw it and was like, I'm pretty sure this is Lunden's No one else has a big giant purple case full of essential oils. And she wrote to a friend of mine that she knew was a friend of mine to get my phone number to say, hey, I found your right. So that's like a lot of steps and that was super nice. And it also makes me very thankful for some of the like all the sharing we do on social media, right? I was like, I'm so glad that I shared what this looked like and this person could reach out to me, but that was super nice. So it's like, yeah, I am working on being much more aware of my stuff and I still work on a lot. Like the last time I was at the airport, I left my Yeti coffee mug and my new water bottle just in the bathroom on the back shelf. When you're out, when you're traveling, right? I put it down, turned around, hook your backpack on the thing, try not to touch anything in the airport bathroom. Go to the bathroom. Left that. So I don't want to say I'm a forgetful person who loses my stuff all the time.


Lunden Souza: [00:50:16] That would be an old story, right? We talk about news stories. I just am really working on being much more mindful about what I have, which also includes not having a lot of stuff. So I know what I have, I know where it is, you know, and I still so a lot of the moments where I can think of kindness has to do with, yeah, forgetting things, just leaving something somewhere and just somebody being there to bring it back to Mama some myself, because I'm like, Oh my gosh, now that I think about it, I'm like, Yeah. And so that's been something I've worked on a lot and just not rushing and being like, Okay, do I have what I need? What do I actually need to like making sure I have the stuff and not? But sometimes when you're traveling, yeah, it's just you. We forget things. And it's not that, you know, I want to extend kindness to myself as well through the experience of losing stuff and feeling like I'm leaving my stuff all over the place and just know that I'm I'm working on it. We're not going to be perfect. I'm not going to never, not lose something again. But that for me is kindness to when someone's like, hey, did you for your phone? Right on the on the when you go to the grocery store and you're paying, I'll put my phone there.


Lunden Souza: [00:51:20] Hey, don't forget your phone. Like those moments of like someone helping me remember my things is so helpful and I love it. Or like Chargers, computer chargers, phone chargers, things that like, yeah, you can go by, but it's an inconvenience. It takes time and it's like expensive and you need it usually like every day, right? Multiple times a day. So any time I get the little reminder of of those types of things, I feel like that feels like kindness to me too. Right? So it's so the reason why I asked this question and why why question number three exists is because I think with strangers it's not possible sometimes to know, Oh, hey, this is what this person thinks is kind. But when we can reflect on moments that people have been kind to us, number one, it feels good. Like I feel good right now telling you that story about the random maid who sent me my money back or the girl who helped me write. Not only does it feel good to reflect on those moments of kindness, but it's kind of like, okay, well yeah, I'm unique and different, and the unicorn that I am and other people find kindness in the things I find kindness in to. So if if I find that that's kind, I'm going to make sure that I spread that around too, you know, so reflect on what you think is kindness and then also go be more of that in the world like we mentioned.


Lunden Souza: [00:52:36] So this is kind of a kind of goes full circle. It's. Be what you want to see in the world. And here are some ways and some questions that you can ask yourself and reflect on on your own, or with a friend or with your coach like we're doing so that you can be like, Okay, how can I wake up a little bit? How can I shake up the snow globe a little bit? I like it when people hold the door open for me. Cool. I'm going to be holding open doors today. I like it when people remind me that my backpack is unzipped. I do that for people a lot because for me my backpack is unzipped and my laptop falls out. I'll be sad. So when I'm somewhere and someone's like, Hey, you're like, Oh, thanks. Or Yeah, your cell phone's falling out of your pocket. Gosh, I sound like a hot mess when I say these things, but I'm on the go a lot, so I like when people are helping me be mindful of like the other stuff too. It helps. So when we can identify more of our kindness language, we can go out and be more of that in the world, don't you think?


Scott Gates: [00:53:29] Yeah. Not only recognize your kindness language, but try to recognize others and accept it at the level that they're trying to give it. You don't I mean, if some like I said, if you don't think somebody is being truly kind to you, that's your perspective of it. Don't take away their chance to be kind. So I'm going to throw out three little caveats now or three little points and things I'd like to see in the world. This is an Uncle Scotty talking off to the world. Here we go. Imagine how amazing it would be if kids learn to be more kind to each other, especially in junior high and high school. And we're all not we're all finding our way. We're all lost in things. We're all scared to death. We're all trying to fit in. We're all trying to be that. What if you were just a little bit kinder? Just a little bit. What if you were a little more accepting of the one the kids that get picked on? Are you going to stand next to them and say, don't do that? That's part of being the man I want to be. You don't have to fight. You don't have to be aggressive. Stand next to someone and stick up for them. Because when you do that as a group, you will overcome most challenges. We as humans want to be. We all do things in groups, right? So that doesn't mean freshman, sophomore in juniors and seniors.


Scott Gates: [00:54:37] And there has to be a difference between you just just take care of each other. Be kind in that way. Social media. Are you saying things in a way that is kind. Don't argue, don't complain, don't point things off. Yes. I mean, you're going to point out things that are silly and people may take it the wrong way and that's fine. That's on them. But are you being kind in the way you say things? It doesn't you don't have to argue. You can disagree completely. Just ask a question. One of my favorite things to do to you is ask a simple question and watch your mind just goes like. Wait. What? And then you go, oh. And then the, the, the gears just start going like crazy. And I'm like, cool. I hit, I got. I got something. Now watch her go. And I love to watch where you go with it. Right. Ask just ask somebody a question. What about this? Have you thought about this? That's a very easy way to be kind. You're just not creating an argument in that way. And I'd like to put a shout out to all the health care people right now. In my world, there are a whole bunch of people who were never trained for war, and that's what COVID was for a while. No matter what you believe in the world of COVID, you had people who weren't trained to be in battle.


Scott Gates: [00:55:47] There's a very big difference between a medic and the guys that I talk with that I call Doc. That's a revered word in the world that I come from. Write docs are just they're gods. They really are. They're respected that much. They are trained to go through war. Wars lasts a long time. You go through different. Everybody deploys, everybody does that. They're meant for that. They understand that's going to happen. The guys are going to get hurt all the time. It's just going to be this ongoing thing. The medical field, they were never ready for this. It shows the lack of planning, lack of leadership within the health care system, too, I think, because they I don't think I don't think the leaders in health care really care about the people they're supposed to take care of. Remember, leadership is not about being in charge. It's serving and taking care of those in your charge. So doctors and nurses don't feel very taken care of. They're just part of a system. Many of them during this time were scared to go home because they were terrified to take it home and give it to a loved one because we didn't know what the tests were. We did. We didn't know what was happening. It was just scary. Many held somebody else's loved ones hand because they weren't allowed in the hospital. That's a kindness we will never see and never know for a dying loved one.


Scott Gates: [00:57:03] That family. There's just this gap. There needs to be that connection somehow. And I hope that those that were in the health care can can somehow share and express the connection that somebody was not alone when they passed. So they've been through this humungous, just unbelievable trauma that they were never trained for. And I don't think they'll ever going to get the support to come out of it. So if you think PTSD is is big on the military, I wait. Do you see what the health care people have gone through in the last couple of years? So be kind to them if you have to go into an urgent care, if you have to go into an E.R., if you're going into the doctor's office, just be kind. They've been through hell for the last couple of years. Everything was crazy and chaotic. And we're all scared and terrified and we don't know what's going on. I mean, I felt that many times being stopped at the air door with my family and told, You can't come in. And I was like, Oh, you want to watch me? And then that's a that's an emotional reaction because my loved ones in there and I'm a fixer and I got to take care of it. I didn't realize on the other side of the wall that they were going through. Now, when I show up, it's like, do you want me to wear a mask? Can I do this? What can I do? Am I okay? In fact, I did it just the other day.


Scott Gates: [00:58:18] I had to take Dad to the E.R.. He's okay, he's fine. We deal. But I walked through the back door because I know how to get around in the hospital. We had lots of family members that work there, and I went to go through the back way. So I didn't have to go through the E.R. room in the front and be around everybody else. And I put it on and walked up and he says, You can't go through this way. You got to walk around. And I went, What do you mean, did you help? And then it hit me. It was like, Man, I'm not being very nice right now. I said, Okay, I apologize for that. Sorry I caught myself, which that's the best part. That's kindness to myself. That was not the way to react, no matter how bad the situation was. And I said, You know what? You're doing a great job. I'm sorry about the way it is a little emotional right now. I got to get to my dad, so I'm going to go out. Thank you. Thank you for everything you're doing. And I left and I heard from Dr. Zoeller that that guy actually went to the E.R. and tried to find me to say thank you. Just because I was the only person who had been kind to him the whole day.


Scott Gates: [00:59:13] Everybody's frustrated and angry at each other. We're all in a scared state, and when we do that, we get very defensive. We pull back and we just stick to our guns and that kind of stuff. But this is the time when humanity must shine. These are the things it's not about the government. It's not about rules and regulations. I've got this thing in my head. It's up to people. For the people, by the people. It's how we talk to each other. So be very aware of what the health care people are going through right now. It's a stress. It's strain. It was scary for a while. We didn't know how it was transmitted. We didn't know all kinds of things. I kind of think back to the days of AIDS when people would just go in and full of biohazard stuff because nobody knew how it was transmitted. We thought it was just everything could happen. So that's what they've been through. Let's be kind to them. So if you know anybody's in that world, just go home to say thanks. It's almost like you say thank you to the military guys. We don't know what you're going through. We're never going to know it. But. Thanks. Is there anything I can do? How you doing, by the way? So I just want to throw those out. That's my advertisements for the day. I don't.


Lunden Souza: [01:00:18] I like that. I love it. Actually, it's so. Yeah, it's a great place to. Yeah. Can you wrap it up? And just to remember.


Scott Gates: [01:00:28] You inspire.


Lunden Souza: [01:00:29] Me to.


Scott Gates: [01:00:30] Yeah. That's the way we see. That's how we become each other.


Lunden Souza: [01:00:33] It goes back and forth. It really does. Yeah. I wanted to say something that I wanted to say, but now I can't think of it for a second. So I want to think about it for a second and then decide if it's. I was just. Yeah. Really being present with what you were saying. And then something came and I didn't write it down really quick, but. Oh, you said you checked yourself. That's what it was about how you realized in that moment. Hey, I wasn't being that kind. I wasn't being the version of kindness that I want to be. So I'm going to check myself in the moment and then be like, Oh, wait, sorry. You know, that's not how I want to be. You're doing a great job. It's me. And like, thank you. And like, kind of yeah. Check yourself in the moment. And that's cool too, right? We might find when we rewriting that story, rewriting that loop and just kind of being more aware and more kind. There's going to be moments where we run up into that wall. I would just say it feels like you're running into the into the really clean like the really clean sliding glass door that you don't notice that it's there and you're like and you're like, Oh, yeah, no, that's not how I want to be.


Lunden Souza: [01:01:32] That's not the path I want to go down and being able to flip that and switch it in the moment and then do better next time. And then sometimes we get all up in the moment and we don't check it and sometimes we catch it right away and it's just a little process there. And like you said, that's a very, very big form of being kind to yourself in the process of being more kind. Because when it is real life situations and families are struggling and you want to be there to to support them, and you're in a hospital setting, which is also pretty challenging. You know, it's just like, yeah, emotions are going to come up. Old patterns and ways of doing things, maybe unkindly or not necessarily consciously unkind, but maybe just really for yourself and you're just focused on your need and your, you know, whatever. It's just kind of like, okay. Think about others a little bit more and step back and just be cool with catching your own self. Does that make sense?


Scott Gates: [01:02:27] Yeah. Don't let it linger. Right. If you catch yourself, whether it's 50 steps, two miles all the way home and you had to you couldn't come back but catch it. Because we talk a lot about it's the self talk in your head and listening to the words you're actually saying and how you're saying. And a lot of us are on autopilot. We just get going in our world and we do our habitual things. Here's a challenge for you. Go to work a different way. Most of us never will. We'll go to work the same way every time. How are you going to ever change? Go a different route. Explore something, see something different, maybe change your attitude. You could think about this if you drive home from work, stressed and upset, and I have a lot of guys that do that and I just tell them, roll the windows up, crank the radio, act like you're singing and just cuss the world out. Do whatever you got to do to get it out before you get home. Home should be like, we'd like to do it. It should be a sanctuary. It should be just home. Home has its own feeling, not something you bring in. It's like I don't even wear my boots into the house. My work. Work stays outside. It doesn't come inside. Inside, just for fun. But. But try something different. You have to shake up your world a little bit. So if you're not someone who's been enjoying a lot of kindness lately and this is your journey, you've got to go find it. You've got to build it. You've got to make it. Nothing just happens to you. Oh, the universal slap on the back all the time. You're doing it right. You taught me.


Lunden Souza: [01:03:55] That. Thank you. Thank you so much, Scott, for this conversation and for your time and for reflecting on these questions with me. I figured we would go through these anyways, you and I, in a session because I was like, I like these questions. I'd been reviewing them anyways. And then I was like, Oh, perfect. I had a really full filming day yesterday, so I was super exhausted when I woke up this morning and I knew we had our podcast recording and I have a lot to do. I have a full schedule I'm excited about today and I'm really, really, really sore. So I was like, Oh, I have these questions. I wanted to go over them with you. Anyways, let's do it for the podcast and I'm just happy that we got to have this good conversation because this was helpful for me to charge into my day. You know, we feel physically exhausted sometimes and I'm sure you guys listening to it's like you're sore, you've been working hard, whatever. But like, I don't know, talking about kindness and what kindness feels like and what it means and ways I can be more kind to you for an hour. Like, makes me feel great, you know? So it's cool to to know that. So when you guys, you guys listening, take these questions, answer them yourself.


Lunden Souza: [01:04:55] Ask a friend, talk to talk about them with, yeah. Your coworkers, your partner, your kids, like, whatever. Like, have this conversation. Use these three questions with others. I'm just going to quickly before we wrap up, read those questions one more time. So you guys have number one. It was what does it mean to embody kindness? Number two, what other words come up? No, sorry. What are other words that come up when I think of kindness that I also want to embody? That's number two. And then number three, what types of random acts of kindness feel good when done to me or for me? And then once you have those lists of random acts of kindness that feel good to you, go out and do more of that in the world. And for those of you that want to join them, more love, more sweat, ten day workout and kindness challenge. Even if you didn't join us live the first time, no big deal. You can click the link in the description and join in. It's absolutely free. Ten Days of Kindness Challenges, Workouts and audio coaching that you can listen to, where we talk about kindness and things like this. So I thank Scott for being here. I appreciate you. You're the best.


Scott Gates: [01:06:03] My pleasure. Thank you so much.


Lunden Souza: [01:06:05] And talk to you guys next time.


Scott Gates: [01:06:06] Part of my day. There we go. Yeah.


Lunden Souza: [01:06:08] All right. Ready to rock this Monday. Bye. Love you, too. Bye.


Scott Gates: [01:06:13] All right.


Lunden Souza: [01:06:13] Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self, Love and Sweat, the podcast. Hey, do me a favor. Wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I'm Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose fueled by self, love and sweat. This podcast is a hitspot Austria production.

Intro
About Scott Gates (Lunden's Life Coach)
The coach doesn't "make" you better
10 day workout & kindness challenge
What does it mean to embody kindness?
Being the kindness and seeing the kindness
"Can I carry that for you?"
Receiving kindness from others
Endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin
Struggling with compliments
Emotions vocabulary list
How do I want to show up?
Kindness with boundaries, presence and values
What is your kindness language?
Kindness, first responders, military & COVID