QMR #10 Non-Judgmental Communication

Telling people what they “should” or are “supposed to” do can come across as judgmental and might deter people from wanting to connect with and open up to you. Instead of the should’s and supposed to’s, try asking some of these questions to help the person navigate their own struggle and find the answer for themselves.

These questions aim to empower the individual to explore their own thoughts and feelings, encouraging self-reflection and personal growth without imposing external judgments or expectations.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:00 Intro
2:46 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
4:35 Asking Empowering Questions That GUIDE Without Directing
9:43 Communicating In A Way That Empowers Others
11:46 Cultivating Empathy and Active Listening
16:38 Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25

Transcript

Lunden Souza: 2:26

Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the place where you'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I'm your host, Lunden Souza. Hey, have you grabbed your free Self Love and Sweat monthly calendar yet? This calendar is so amazing. It comes right in your inbox every single month to help you have a little nugget of wisdom, a sweaty workout, a mindset activity, just a little something, something to help keep you focused and motivated and keep that momentum towards your goals. So every day, when you get this calendar, you'll see a link that you can click that will lead to a podcast episode or a workout or something that will be very powerful and quick to read. And then you'll also see, on the top left corner of every single day, there's a little checkbox in the calendar and what that is is that's for your one thing. You can choose one thing every month, or it can be the same, something that you want to implement and make this something that you can easily implement, like daily meditation or getting a certain amount of steps or water, for example, and staying hydrated and even taking your supplements. This can be something if you want to get more regular, doing a particular habit and routine. You can choose what that checkbox means. So if you want your self-love and sweat free monthly calendar delivered right to your inbox every month on the first of the month, go to lifelikelunden. com/ calendar. Fill out the form really quickly and you will have your calendar in your inbox within a few short minutes. That's lifelikelunden L-I-F-E-L-I-K-E-L-U-N-D-E-N dot com forward slash calendar. Go, get yours for free and enjoy this episode. Welcome back to the podcast and today's quick mindset reset.

Lunden Souza: 4:35

All about non-judgmental communication, specifically giving you questions that you can ask somebody else instead of telling them what you think they should do or are supposed to do. So I've talked about on the podcast before, on previous episodes, the importance that or how significant it's been in my life to let go of the shoulds and supposed tos. You know the things that we think we should be, by a certain age, we're supposed to do. Oftentimes that dialogue can run rampant in our minds and we can also, when we're not conscious in our communication, just kind of share oh, this is what you should do, or here's what I think you should do, or here's what you're supposed to do, and I just think that there's a better way to do it. So telling people what they should do or what they're supposed to do can come across as judgmental and it might deter people from wanting to connect with and open up to you. So, instead of the shoulds and supposed tos, try asking some of these questions to help the person navigate their own struggle and find the answer for themselves.

Lunden Souza: 5:45

As a coach, I can often say that some of the most profound sessions I've had with clients haven't come from me as a life coach and NLP practitioner, haven't come from me telling them what I think they should do or are supposed to do. It just came. A lot of those profound sessions have come from me listening intently and asking really good questions. And so these questions that I've put together a list for you today, so, if you want to, you can take out the notes in your phone or take out a pen and paper to write these down. I think they're really powerful and these questions I created to empower the individual to explore their own thoughts and their own feelings. That way we can encourage self-reflection and personal growth without imposing what we think they should or are supposed to do. So these questions, yeah, I think they're a great alternative to telling somebody what they should do or are supposed to do. So let's go through them here. So the first question is I wonder what it would be like if you fill in the blank. I wonder what it would be like if you just called that friend and told her how you felt. It's not like huh. I wonder what it would be like if you just like, stop, you know, got out of your ego and just like, got off your high horse and just did what you needed to do. So, like, fill in the blank with something that is empowering. I wonder what it would be like if you um, have you ever thought about, right, like, have you ever thought about, uh, reaching out to that person and having a conversation?

Lunden Souza: 7:31

Right, if someone you know, instead of saying like, oh, you shouldn't, you know, you're supposed to reach out to that person and tell them right away how you feel. Or you should call them or you shouldn't, right? Um, there was recently a situation where I leaned into an uncomfortable conversation and, after sharing it with some people about, like oh, I'm thinking about having this conversation, they were like, oh, you should just ignore. And I was like I don't think that that's what I want to do, right? So have you ever thought about, um, what would you advise? So that was the first two questions.

Lunden Souza: 8:02

I wonder what it would be like if you fill in the blank. Have you ever thought about filling the blank? What would you advise someone to do if they were in the same situation? Right, if someone's inventing and they just like, aren't sure what to do, instead of just saying here's what you should do, here's what you're supposed to do, you can say, like, what would you advise somebody else if they were in the same situation? Another way to say this, too, I wrote down is if you weren't you, what would you tell you to do? I like that. That resonates with my communication style. I'd just be like hey, if you weren't you, what would you tell you to do? Like, what would be your advice to you?

Lunden Souza: 8:43

Um, another one is what next action step would be most in alignment with the person you want to be like? If a person's struggling and not sure what they should do next, what that next step is, instead of just saying like, what's the next best step, we can actually say like, what next action step would be most in alignment with the person that you want to be, right? Like, a person might be like what's next best? What's the next best action step? And it might be like, uh, to tell that person to stick it right, tell that person to fuck off, like to tell that person how I really feel, but being able to position that question in a way where it's like, okay, what would that next action step be that's most in alignment with the person that you want to be, so then the person you're asking that question to can reflect, okay, what's like my instinct, like that, I just want to, like you know my my first reaction response I would want to do. But let me look at it from the perspective of the person that I want to be Right. Um, another question when you envision your ideal outcome, what does it look like? Right? Sometimes we're just thinking about that next step or what we should do next. But when we're able to look at the finish line and look at the ideal outcome, then the next best step might be more obvious when we look at it from that outcome perspective.

Lunden Souza: 10:05

Um, another question have you ever been through a similar challenge and overcame it? What did you do? Sometimes we can get so tunnel vision and focused on the particular pro problem at hand or challenge at hand, that we forget to look at the history of ourself and be like oh wait, I've done something hard like that before, or I've gone through a similar challenge before. What did I do? Oh yeah, I forgot I you know, 10 years ago something similar kind of happened and here's how I dealt with it. And maybe 10 years ago, when you asked that person the question like maybe 10 years ago, they went through a similar situation, but they either responded or reacted in a way that they're not proud of. So potentially this question could give them an opportunity to be like wait, do over, redo. I don't want to do it the same way I did before. Let me do it differently this time. So have you ever been through a similar challenge and overcame it? What did you do?

Lunden Souza: 11:01

Um, what do you honestly think your next step is? That's a really great question. Honestly, I like that word what do you honestly think your next best step is? And it goes with the other question about what's that next action step? That's in alignment with who you want to be, but sometimes we can just be like hey, if you're just asking yourself honestly like what do you think the next best step is, and you'll see the wheels turning of the person that you ask. Their eyes will probably move, looking in different directions depending on yeah, if they're like more visual, they'll probably be looking up. If they're more auditory, they'll probably be looking side to side. If they're more kinesthetic, and then their feelings, they might be looking down for that answer, you know. So allow people to process.

Lunden Souza: 11:43

When you ask these questions to um, what emotions are you experiencing right now and how do you think they are influencing your decision? I like that question because it gets people to think about their current feelings and if they even need to make that decision right in this moment. Sometimes we can just, you know, maybe be angry or frustrated or sad, or in the moment and feeling our feelings. But when we, as the person communicating with the person that's going through the challenge or the struggle or whatever, when we ask them like, hey, what are you feeling right now, instead of saying like, oh, it seems like you're really sad and frustrated at the moment. Maybe you shouldn't make a decision right, there's the shouldn't, there's the imposing, it's just like hey, what are you feeling right now and do you think that's influencing the decision that you want to make right now? And then, last but not least, can I tell you what I think I would do Right? It's not like do you want my advice? Do you want me to tell you what I would do? It's like can I tell you, asking permission, what I think I would do Right, because you're not them, you're not in that situation. Maybe you are, and then the friend is coming to you with sharing a challenge or a struggle that you've been through, something similar or maybe very similar. So maybe you can say, yeah, you know me, I've been through that too, and here's what I did and here's what I learned.

Lunden Souza: 13:15

And, depending on the rapport of the person you're having the conversation with, of course there's a lot of moving parts to this, but these are just like some framework questions. Can I tell you what I think I would do? And if the person says yes, then permission granted, right to like give that advice, give that input. If the person's like no, I don't really know, I don't really want to know what you would do, I'm just like trying to vent and like get it out, and it's like, okay, cool, and oftentimes asking those questions that I'll list them again. But asking those questions really like opens up the door of possibility and new ways of thinking, new pathways of thinking that the person that's going through that struggle, going through that challenge, might not have thought of because they're just in that, that challenge mode, in that frustration mode or whatever they might be experiencing. It's like sometimes it's hard to like look up and like open up that that tunnel vision, like I was mentioning, and a lot of these questions can just help someone process on their own, but with you, right, instead of needing to fix the problem or tell them. But can I tell you what I think I would do? If the person says, yes, you could be like okay, I know I'm not you, I know I haven't experienced this, and based on what you're sharing with me and what I'm now thinking in the moment, here's what I think I would do. Right, because you didn't plan. Like I think saying it like that is helpful because it brings like awareness to the fact that like, hey, what I'm about to say about what I think I would do, is pretty much compiled of just the last few minutes of you sharing and me kind of processing and what I think I would do with the information I have now. Right, like I haven't slept on it. I haven't really thought about it a ton, but, based on what you've shared and like my model of the world and what I think I would do, here's what it is. So let me list those questions again, if you want to write them down.

Lunden Souza: 15:07

I wonder what it would be like if you have you ever thought about what would you advise someone to do if they were in the same situation? If you weren't you, what would you tell you to do? What next action step would be most in alignment with the person that you want to be? When you envision your ideal outcome, what does it look like? Have you ever been through a similar challenge and overcame it? And what did you do? How do you honestly think your next best step is? What emotions are you experiencing right now and how do you think they are influencing your decision? And then, lastly, can I tell you what I think I would do?

Lunden Souza: 15:49

So those are just some questions that you can choose to use in conversation when you have this awareness of like, oh, I'm about to tell somebody what I think they should do or are supposed to do, and I don't know how you feel, but when someone comes to me and tells me what they think I should do or I'm supposed to do. It's not my favorite thing in the world, unless I ask the person like what do you think I should do? And I have that deep rapport with that person. But sometimes in those connections that don't have a ton of rapport, maybe you don't have that deep connection like you might with other people. I think these questions can be super helpful. So thanks for joining this quick mindset reset. I hope you have a really wonderful day and, yeah, just keep practicing, keep showing up to communication consciously and welcoming the do over, doing your best and we'll see you at the next episode. Hey, really quick.

Lunden Souza: 16:41

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Lunden Souza: 17:37

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Lunden Souza: 18:35

Now let's get back to the show. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of self love and sweat the podcast. Hey, do me a favor Wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review this really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I'm Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose, fueled by self love and sweat. This podcast is a hit spot. Austria production.