Self Love & Sweat The Podcast

Improve Sex Life, Communication & Have A Healthy Relationship | Bonk Better with Melanie Bonk

June 07, 2024 Lunden Souza Season 1 Episode 180
Improve Sex Life, Communication & Have A Healthy Relationship | Bonk Better with Melanie Bonk
Self Love & Sweat The Podcast
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Self Love & Sweat The Podcast
Improve Sex Life, Communication & Have A Healthy Relationship | Bonk Better with Melanie Bonk
Jun 07, 2024 Season 1 Episode 180
Lunden Souza

Text us your feedback on this episode

In this episode, we dive into tools to create more intimacy with yourself and your partner and why that self-love component is so powerful. Even with 4 kids, Melanie and her husband create time to connect and she shares how they create that intentional space.

If you feel disconnected from your your partner, if you’ve had trauma that has impacted this area of your life and if you’re ready to make some steps towards healing and “delicious” connection - Melanie discusses some powerful exercises and activities you can do to really listen, see, hear, understand and find deeper intimacy in those areas.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:00 Intro
2:46 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
14:16 Soulful Communication In Relationships
22:33 Improving Sex Life with Breathwork
32:06 Creating A Safe and Intimate Space
50:54 Prioritizing Self-Care and Intimacy in Relationships
54:25 Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25

Complimentary Pod Somatic Experience:  https://www.melaniebonk.com/pod

Connect with Melanie
Instagram: @bonkbetter
Facebook: Bonkalicious Bootie Club
Website: https://www.melaniebonk.com/

Voice of Impact 2024 Aug 23-26 in Salt Lake City

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2-DAY COMMUNICATION SEMINAR: Voice of Impact >> https://lifelikelunden.com/voice-of-impact

2 FREE HIGH INTENSITY RESISTANCE TRAINING WORKOUTS: https://lifelikelunden.activehosted.com/f/169

FREE Self Love & Sweat Monthly Life Coaching Calendar: http://lifelikelunden.com/calendar

One-On-One Life Coaching & NLP with Lunden:
http://lifelikelunden.com/vip

Connect with Lunden:
IG: @lifelikelunden
YouTube: https://youtube.com/lundensouza
LinkedIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lundensouza/
Twitter: @lifelikelunden

Use code LUNDEN25 for 25% off Snap Supplements: https://bit.ly/snapsweat

Use code LUNDEN25 for$25 off at Evolve Telemed: https://evolvetelemed.com

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Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Text us your feedback on this episode

In this episode, we dive into tools to create more intimacy with yourself and your partner and why that self-love component is so powerful. Even with 4 kids, Melanie and her husband create time to connect and she shares how they create that intentional space.

If you feel disconnected from your your partner, if you’ve had trauma that has impacted this area of your life and if you’re ready to make some steps towards healing and “delicious” connection - Melanie discusses some powerful exercises and activities you can do to really listen, see, hear, understand and find deeper intimacy in those areas.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:00 Intro
2:46 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
14:16 Soulful Communication In Relationships
22:33 Improving Sex Life with Breathwork
32:06 Creating A Safe and Intimate Space
50:54 Prioritizing Self-Care and Intimacy in Relationships
54:25 Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25

Complimentary Pod Somatic Experience:  https://www.melaniebonk.com/pod

Connect with Melanie
Instagram: @bonkbetter
Facebook: Bonkalicious Bootie Club
Website: https://www.melaniebonk.com/

Voice of Impact 2024 Aug 23-26 in Salt Lake City

Support the Show.

2-DAY COMMUNICATION SEMINAR: Voice of Impact >> https://lifelikelunden.com/voice-of-impact

2 FREE HIGH INTENSITY RESISTANCE TRAINING WORKOUTS: https://lifelikelunden.activehosted.com/f/169

FREE Self Love & Sweat Monthly Life Coaching Calendar: http://lifelikelunden.com/calendar

One-On-One Life Coaching & NLP with Lunden:
http://lifelikelunden.com/vip

Connect with Lunden:
IG: @lifelikelunden
YouTube: https://youtube.com/lundensouza
LinkedIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lundensouza/
Twitter: @lifelikelunden

Use code LUNDEN25 for 25% off Snap Supplements: https://bit.ly/snapsweat

Use code LUNDEN25 for$25 off at Evolve Telemed: https://evolvetelemed.com

Lunden Souza:

Welcome to Self Love and Sweat THE PODCAST, the place where you'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I'm your host, Lunden Souza. Hey, have you grabbed your free Self Love and Sweat monthly calendar yet? This calendar is so amazing. It comes right in your inbox every single month to help you have a little nugget of wisdom, a sweaty workout, a mindset activity, just a little something, something to help keep you focused and motivated and keep that momentum towards your goals. So every day, when you get this calendar, you'll see a link that you can click that will lead to a podcast episode or a workout or something that will be very powerful and quick to read. And then you'll also see, on the top left corner of every single day, there's a little checkbox in the calendar and what that is is that's for your one thing. You can choose one thing every month, or it can be the same, something that you want to implement and make this something that you can easily implement, like daily meditation or getting a certain amount of steps or water, for example, and staying hydrated and even taking your supplements. This can be something if you want to get more regular doing a particular habit and routine. You can choose what that checkbox means. So if you want your Self Love and Sweat free monthly calendar delivered right to your inbox every month on the first of the month, go to lifelikelunden. com/ calendar, fill out the form really quickly and you will have your calendar in your inbox within a few short minutes. That's lifelikelunden L-I-F-E-L-I-K-E-L-U-N-D-E-N dot com forward slash calendar. Go, get yours for free and enjoy this episode.

Lunden Souza:

Welcome back to the podcast. Today we have Melanie Bonk on the show and if you're watching the video, you can see that she has earrings on that are, yeah, boob earrings, which I didn't realize at first. That that's what they were, and she pointed it out, and so I just love your personality. I've loved getting to know you. Melanie Bonk helps, coaches people on how to bonk better, and that's what we're going to talk about today and I just think, yeah, this topic sometimes can feel squirmy, wormy and uncomfortable and taboo for people, and I like talking about things that are like that. So I would say I'm just excited for our conversation. I'm excited to hear about your work and how you got here and more about you. So let's start right there. How did you get into coaching on helping people bonk better. What's your story? What's your history? Was there some yeah like struggles there that you found you know helpful tools in? Take us through that.

Melanie Bonk:

Yes, thank you, I'm so excited to be here. Yes, my name is Melanie Bonk and I am here to help you bonk better. So I'm a certified love, sex and relationship coach and somatic healer, so I'm always dealing with what's in the body and I would say my journey really started on this path before I was even born. Actually, I was born into a family that had divorce woven into its fabric. My grandparents were divorced in the 60s super uncommon back then and my parents divorced in the mid eighties. Um, so it was always around, always in the environment of my life.

Melanie Bonk:

Um, being a child of divorced parents, I was definitely caught in the middle a lot. There was no conscious parenting back in the eighties, um, so there was definitely a lot of conflict, um, a lot of space where I was in the middle and I just knew if I was ever going to go down the journey of marriage or commitment it was going to be different and I met my husband 25 years ago. We've been together for that long already and it's so amazing and right away I'm like okay, if we're going to do this, it's going to be different. I am on a mission to like rewrite this family legacy of, of trauma, of suffering really, um, on such a deep level. And so we really started digging into kind of what was, um, a conscious relationship before those words were even kind of floating around, uh, a while ago. And I wanted to really dig into the science, like the science behind what makes a thriving relationship, and through that we unintentionally became aware of our own wounds that we were carrying, that triggered us in our partnership and then we really started healing together.

Melanie Bonk:

We started this journey of what it is that we're doing, these roles that we were perpetuating from our childhood and that we're coming out in conflict in partnership. There's, um, a not so funny cosmic joke that only our romantic partners really trigger certain inner child wounds, for sure, yeah, so those were triggered, triggered as fuck, and so healing those really created this container of safety that we have now, this thick, rich, juicy partnership. And so I eventually became the person who my friends and family would come to for advice in the realms of love, sex and relationship, and it kind of was a doorway to get into this world. And so I found a program, I did some training in trauma how the body holds trauma, how, if it's unexpressed, it really turns into suppression and depression and came out of it with a major in relationship transformation, both female and male sexuality. And then I also dipped into Tantra and the world of bringing sacredness to our bodies, to our pleasure, to everything we do really in life.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, I just I love how you painted that story of of divorce, woven in, like you said, woven into the fabric of your family tapestry and your story and what you experienced. And yeah, I think the ancestral part, the, the looking back in that space has been so helpful and so healing for me in so many ways, in the same way that you described, where you look back and you're like, okay, not that, you have your history line and it's like you can be the same same, same unconscious pattern. Just knock down that next domino, sameness, copy paste. Or you can look back and be like, wait, no, not that. And I'm curious to know what your perspective is.

Lunden Souza:

When I look back too, because mine's a lot around communication style or lack of communication and whatever. It's like not that and I couldn't have had not that and got this right. It's almost like you can't not have had that experience in order to you wouldn't have been coaching people have been determined to build a conscious relationship and just found yourself in the middle of not that. Right If it wasn't for it In that story, rewrite for yourself. Do you feel that way? Yes, that was really hard to be in the middle of a lot of that stuff when conscious parenting wasn't even a thing, there was no co-parenting in a collaborative way. But would you change that? Would you change?

Melanie Bonk:

that story? Yeah, no, absolutely not. And now I can look at it with such gratitude. And the biggest Now I can look at it with such gratitude and the biggest, deepest wounds that are in my heart. I was.

Melanie Bonk:

For so long I was struggling on trying to get those out, like, okay, I'm done feeling this pain, I'm done feeling this wound, I'm done feeling that like abandoned little girlness. And that got me nowhere fast. That just like made it more intense, like felt even more deep in my heart. So I really had to learn how to wrap love around it, how to really honor the wounds, because if I got rid of it, if I got rid of that wound, then I would get rid of the lessons, I would get rid of the guidance that it gave me in my whole entire life on how I live with an open heart. So, coming into gratitude, just like and then I did you know I've done a few sacred pleasure practices making love to my wound, making love to that space that is so ingrained with hurt and that really changes the vibration of of the whole wound and it creates that like that yesness, that juiciness, that yumminess, like yeah, I have wounds and it's hurt, but now it's like a pleasurable yes, and I can feel it in such a different way.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, alchemize that feeling a little bit, change what your nervous system and how it responds to it, to your point of like, so it doesn't get stuck and you're not like holding onto it somewhere. You can really, yeah, transform that into something different and build new pathways for that when we choose, right? But sometimes that pain is so deep and it hurts and it's, yeah, it feels almost like you're excavating, you know, and this like sometimes it feels yeah, I, you know, that physical soreness that we get from exercise, sometimes like that emotional soreness is there too. So there's some sort of like speed and cadence, I think, to at least what's felt good for me in that inner excavation process. Sometimes I'm like let's go. And then you're like wait, all right, let's land into some of that too and let that like heal and reorchestrate a little bit.

Lunden Souza:

But when people come to you, do couples come to you, individuals Chunked up, question, and we can dive in this way. But how do you help people bonk better? Do they come in with wounds off the gate, like you mentioned, of just struggles and stories? Is it couples that come in that are struggling to connect intimately, and what's the common ground of things that you, you know, always say, or you know generally, are like the meat and potatoes of ways that you help them.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, I do. I work with both couples and individuals. Sometimes I work with an individual because they're not even quite safe enough in their own body to express the trauma that they've experienced in front of their couple, in front of their partner, oh okay. So yeah, it just really depends on who's coming with me on this journey trauma that they've experienced in front of their couple, in front of their partner. So yeah, it just really depends on who's coming with me on this journey.

Melanie Bonk:

But no matter what I run everybody through, the first thing is connecting to self-love. That's just like the premise of my work is radical self-love, radical self-acceptance. And then I run everybody through three different modules, if you will. The first one is soulful communication. Our words really carry so much weight they can land and like you know how you've heard right the words where it's like, oh, that's like the best thing I've ever heard. It like lit me up, my heart is open, my body is turning into like this juicy, primal yesness with words and we've also felt that with words that hit in the gut and immediately twist and turn and make you really feel like vomiting. Yeah, yes, yes. So really understanding how our words impact each other. But then also especially with couples learning how to hold space for one another. And that really looks like I'm listening with my full body. I'm not listening with my prefrontal cortex. I'm not trying to shame or judge or fix that's I know.

Lunden Souza:

That's where I always get stuck, I think about what you're going to say next, like while the person's talking, and you're like I'm guilty of that too, and I know what that looks like on other people when they do it to me and I don't like it. So it's one of those things where you're like dang it, I do that sometimes and I hate it when other people do that, and being really conscious of that is so important.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah. So taking couples and actually running them through practices where they're holding space for one another, where they're practicing those soulful communication tools, and then we move into emotional intelligence and that's really taking a radical responsibility for your triggers, for your wounds, for your emotional response. Which is, I think, one of the most sexiest things anybody can do is really own their emotion body. And I know for the majority of men that's so taboo Men don't feel, men don't express, men don't talk about emotions. So I'd love taking down that barrier in partnership and really in that module we're really getting deep with each other, really expressing and unveiling their inner wounds.

Melanie Bonk:

For maybe the first time it's such clarity. So then with that information, you're avoiding conflict in the future. You're like, oh okay, I see you're maybe in the kitchen freaking out about something, but that is really your little boy and he is not being seen and heard. So I immediately don't take that personally, which is such a bold step to do in partnership. And I know the little boy's needs already because we've had that conversation in a held safe container, so I can go ahead and start meeting those needs before you even realize that you need them. And that really avoids conflict in so many ways and creates conflict resolution before it even begins.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, it's like the dissolving of the. I think of like licking the fingers and putting it on the little candle and just like put it out, it's not a big deal, it's not a fire yet, and don't take it personal.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, yeah Like you said I like how you did it. You're like that's such a bold thing in relationships and I was in my mind and I was like thinking in my head, yeah, like fuck, yeah, that is Cause it's you know. And then when you're with that person and yeah, just so much good stuff that you shared there. For the language part, and conscious I don't know how you said it conscious language or what did you say Soulful communication. Soulful communication that's in choosing words and one of the things we kind of said in the beginning about how there are certain things that people in relationships, romantic relationships, can only teach you or there are certain lessons you can learn from that perspective or that angle can learn from that perspective or that angle. Where my mind was going was with that soulful communication part.

Lunden Souza:

The last guy I dated wonderful guy, still friends. He was very affirming of challenges. So my personality is very much like I do hard shit and it's okay, and there's been family, there's just been a lot, right. But I still like I don't know some sort of this like warrior spirit, right. He would often say things that I didn't even know I needed. So to the point of like figuring out what's nurturing for your inner child and da da, da, da da. He would say things like, oh my gosh, like that's so hard, that must've been so challenging for you. Like, wow, really helped me. Look at the trauma and hard stuff I've overcome and summit it and look and be like, oh yeah, you're fucking right, and I didn't know. I would have never known to ask that I needed someone to. I don't know like you know, just kind of marinate in that, what it was hard a little bit I'm more so just like surpassing the hard, you know, and I liked that. And I didn't know that I liked that until I knew that I liked that right, and that was cool because through that dialogue and through learning, you know and I know you work with couples on romantic connection and sex and things like that too.

Lunden Souza:

But there's a lot of connection and intimacy in the words and the way that we communicate and that was something I learned from that relationship which was really cool and just yeah, knowing what word choice to use to nurture someone. Or, in many cases too, something I've learned is just ask more questions instead of trying to solve more problems Like just oh well, yeah, okay, so what do you think? Or just getting their wheels to turn instead of like spit firing what we might think they need to do next. And then, of course, there's moments and I can think of moments where this particular partner would be like no, I really want your coaching here, so like I need you to tell you know, and you're like, okay, cool. So then, like we both coached. So it was like, you know, there's some moments where you're like okay, how do we dance between the two hats of what we normally do? And you know, communicate and give input, and I think that was really helpful and being able to nurture that too. What was the second one that you said?

Melanie Bonk:

Emotional intelligence. So that's really up-leveling that emotional intelligence, so you can see each other, you can see each other's wounds, you can identify the actual emotions that you're feeling, which is a huge obstacle, and then in that process too, and it's kind of like this exposing, getting naked, really vulnerable process.

Lunden Souza:

But then in that process I'm like that's what makes us all cool is like our dysfunctions and the shit. That's like you know, just that we're working on. But it's, you know, and I think I remember in that relationship too, getting vulnerable and admitting because there was a lot of work and a lot of feelings coming up and at first I wasn't going to face it, but then I was like no, like there's a little bit of insecurity and jealousy there and like here's where she lives and sometimes she like you know, so like that was like. And now you know, once you start, you know sharing those things like you can't not, but I remember that was like that first, like little, like scab.

Lunden Souza:

I picked off in terms of that openness and vulnerability in that relationship and that was hard, but then the best thing ever, because then you're like, oh, now I can nurture that part, now I can talk to her and look at her and you know, like, look at things from different perspectives, and so I share all of that. Only because when you gave that framework, I'm like, yeah, I can see how you know, and then you start to learn more about what helps their younger self feel even more nurtured and it's like this, very beautiful, but it has to be a conscious dance, like you mentioned. You know all the things in all the world and all the stuff can be pulling at us, but we have to really be able to, like, stay solid and grounded and connected.

Melanie Bonk:

So those are really powerful things for sharing, yeah, and it really supercharges vulnerability, which increases intimacy. And then that gets us into the third part that we work with, and that's sexual. I like to call it rediscovery. So it's a process of ditching all the conditionings, all the imprints, all the narratives of what we're told sex should be, especially in long-term partnerships. It's going to get vanilla. It's going to get. I hate that story.

Melanie Bonk:

That's not my story, Melanie, it is not my story, that's for sure. So this gives couples the opportunity to start rewriting and recreating what their love, sex and relationship story is. And then we get to dive into sacred sexuality, really bringing in the feel, the want, the tone, the passion that they want in partnership and in sex. And then they get to start creating their own rules and make their own dialogue of what sex is. And I guide couples in sacred practices, really teaching them. I teach everybody 12 holistic sex tools that every human has the ability to use but they're usually never taught and this stuff has to be taught so that vulnerability that you do in the emotional intelligence upgrade really supercharges the pleasure in the final sexual discovery. Part of the container.

Lunden Souza:

Could you share like two of the 12 tools? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, just like a couple from that tool belt. There's a lot. So yeah, I don't want to go through that, and if somebody wants to work deeper with you then of course they can. But what are a couple?

Melanie Bonk:

Yes, Well, breath is definitely number one. So if you are focusing on your breathing, if you are breathing into your sex organs, you can't really get lost in thought. So it's a super charged way to up-level your pleasure fast. And it's so quick because I even still find myself lost. And the other day I was kind of writing my husband and I'm like, oh, you know what's next on my to-do list this afternoon. And then I was like whoa, whoa, hold on a second, come back, so, come back. And so the quickest way for me to come back is to follow my breath. So I take a deep breath in and I send that breath with my mind all the way down, filling up my pelvic bowl, and then that awakens and creates sensations in my whole pelvic bowl and then I am immediately right back into this delicious pleasure train that we're riding together.

Melanie Bonk:

So, breathwork is always one. If you find yourself in thoughts, you can't be thinking about some thoughts and actively focusing on your breath at the same time. It doesn't work.

Lunden Souza:

I love breath work.

Lunden Souza:

Like I got certified to coach it and I do to certain clients here and there, but mainly because I wanted to learn for myself. I love like I love that was the first one that you mentioned too because I you just can always come back to your breath. Always, anytime, no matter where you are, no matter what, and just the different feelings and sensations and places you can go, and sometimes I can't feel my extremities and I'm like where's my body? And I just love the journey that we can go on. Sober, nothing, nada breath work on a little of an empty stomach, even better, and I just love that light lifted feeling. It feels so, oh my gosh. Yeah, so coming back to a breath always is available.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, and you could. I mean, like you said, you can do a breath work practice where you have a breath work, a breath energy orgasm by sending your breath down to certain areas, by breathing, you know, like a connected breath, no pause between the inhale and the exhale, sending the breath directly into, maybe your cervix, maybe your clit, and you just keep breathing in and circulating that breath, circulating that energy, and it can just supercharge your whole experience and then leave you lit and vibrating kind of throughout the whole entire day.

Lunden Souza:

So awesome and that's like literally complete opposite to how most people are living day to day in this stress, fight or flight, not focusing on conscious, connected breath and connecting breath flow to sexual organs. And you know, having these like and so sometimes people think I can't ever, you know it's like I can't do whatever it's like, but you almost can't not because you're living in such a tight knot of stress, everything that you know being in touch and in tune with our body is such a gift, such a gift.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, and just for another one, if you're, if your audience is curious for more movement. So really letting go of what you think your movement should look like in sex and following the instincts of your body, so even you just supercharge your body with breath and then you allow your body to move, to flow how she or he wants or they, and just let that body move. So I know that sometimes I get in the like okay, it's like hip thrust forward back, hip thrust forward, back, hip, and then once I connect to like actually what my body desires, sometimes she's a swirly, whirly, sometimes she's like a side to side, rocking motion. So letting especially women, letting our hips free, letting them move how they want, it just can really unlock new levels of pleasure.

Lunden Souza:

Yes, and that movement and that like. For those of you listening, of course you can't see it, but for you watching, you can Like that movement side to side and around and our hips, like just to go tell you know on what you said about, like back in the day when your grandparents got divorced, and those times, whatever it's like, that was considered like dirty and not good. And I remember when I was a kid, I did, I loved it too and I was so good and I was young. Well, whatever, it doesn't matter. I did Polynesian dancing, where you do, where you have the grass skirt and I was like I got super good right.

Lunden Souza:

My dad comes to one of my events. It was his first time coming right and he was like, oh hell, no, you're done with that. No skirts, no, shaking your butt right. And I have a good relationship with my family and in a gentle way I've said to them like dang, you were like so, like, why wouldn't you let me do that? That was traumatizing.

Lunden Souza:

I loved it. You took me away from it, dad, like in a joking, fun, loving way. There was some ways where he was just so like conservative and rigid and I remember being like just yeah, so good and in that flow and I could do the grass skirts and all the things and I loved it. But yeah, in some cultures it's like beautiful in a form of dance and expression, and then in some it's like don't move your hips and you're like wait what? But they move, they go in all these different directions. It's just so bizarre that a certain part, if I circle my arm in a circle, it doesn't matter, but just that area being so tabooed. And then I think of that story too. I'm like, oh man, we need to move our hips food.

Melanie Bonk:

And then I think of that story too. I'm like, oh man, we need to move our hips. Yeah, it's really systematic repression of female being, of femininity, of our divine birthright to move, to express, to shake and shaking. Shaking is one too. Allow your hips to shake while you're receiving pleasure. Ooh, that's a whole nother experience. And how many of us actually kind of have the consciousness to open our hips up to do that? So it's a really beautiful process that anybody can actually just do laying flat on the back, knees pointed to the ceiling, feet on the floor, and you just let your hips shake on the floor, okay, and then you're hit and you're actually releasing so much held stored trauma in our hip area. Um, and it could just be for like put on a sexy song and kind of just like bounce on the floor.

Lunden Souza:

Okay, so like in that position, like you would do like a bridge or something in yoga, so knees bent, feet flat and then lifting your hips just a little bit up and down and tapping it. And I have a really thick yoga mat at my house that I use here. So I feel like that would feel good, like that cushion and just that pressure on that spot on your body. Okay, so you just like listen to a song and do that? Yeah.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, and you'll notice at the beginning it's kind of like a forced, like you might even just go with a pattern with the beating and then a minute or two into the song, like your body kind of takes over. If you really allow her full expression, if you allow your movement to liberate and then just kind of see where she wants to go, how she wants to move. Your knees maybe even flare open. The way you hit the floor could like get super fast and super short or it could get super long and super sensual, Just allowing your body to open up and move the way that your body wants to move and then honoring it without judgments and shame from all the stories that we've been told.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, yeah, I feel like that would feel good too. That area of my body I also like to be massaged the most, like that lower back into your glutes. I always feel like that area of my body likes to be nurtured and there's a lot of recovery and muscles that I use a lot from hiking and just doing all of that. But definitely going to try that for sure, definitely noted. Yeah, let me know how it turns out. Absolutely.

Lunden Souza:

I want to talk a little bit more about communication within couples, especially surrounding sex and intimacy and things like that. Surrounding like sex and intimacy and things like that. I remember I shared this in my course too, on my Naba course, but I dated this guy. We're still great friends too, so I have this. Well, we'll talk about that in a different light, but with him specifically, we struggled with certain areas of that and I just want to keep the details private because he's also involved in it too.

Lunden Souza:

So, anyways, there was a lot of discussion and me trying to connect and conversation and can we talk? I told you a little warrior spirit. Sometimes I'm standing up, he's sitting down. I'm like trying to demand and like just so many misses in communication. Down, I'm like trying to demand and like just so many misses in communication, right, the best conversation we ever had, the most honest we ever had. And also then that was like the beginning of the end of our relationship or like our romantic relationship, but it was when he was laying on the couch watching tennis.

Lunden Souza:

I had learned a lot more about body language and communication and mirroring and matching and, like you know, you don't want to stand over someone if you're trying to have a connecting conversation. Like that sounds like you know you're being punished, right. So I'm like laying on the couch, chill vibes, start to have these conversations and then he starts to reveal to me that, like he's not romantically interested in me anymore and that like he, you know, feels more like sister vibes and like, and now it all all makes sense because now we work together. We do so many cool, creative things together. It's just we're brother and sister. Duh, he saw it before. I did, right, but in those moments where it's hard to connect and I know there's a lot of body language involved timing Do you coach on?

Lunden Souza:

I mean, you can't just come home and then be barking what your needs are once we start to figure out what your needs are so like what's that dance? And I think people listening probably too, they think like okay, yeah, I do want to speak up on this, I do want to. You know, like there's an elephant right we need to like address, but I want to do it in the best way. That, then, is going to like keep it juicy and drive connections still. So like what? Going to keep it juicy and drive connections still? So what could that look like? And not that I want people to get that answer that I did. I want them to be more drawn in in their relationships, but getting the truth and getting to the of that is still special, even though that was the answer I got. Yeah.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, that's such a good question. So I love to guide couples in setting up sacred spaces. So first of all, it does, you're totally right, it matters about the environment, about where each person is coming from. So I would say, first, set a time. If you are like me at all we've got four kids so it's like the time really has to be aligned right where they're not going to interrupt us, where we have privacy.

Melanie Bonk:

I do love conversations out in nature. Nature kind of has this ability to lower the stress. We are connected to actually what we're supposed to be doing in life and that's being connected to nature. So I love conversations outside and then I would guide couples into using those tools. So holding space, I really love sitting across from each other.

Melanie Bonk:

So if you need like pillows, you can set them up in like a living room, have some candles, have some nice music and then you begin the conversation with your intentions. So my intentions are to communicate with you in a loving, safe, sacred space where all emotions are welcome, where sacred tears are welcome and if there's tears, please don't get triggered. That's just our bodies expressing emotion. Learn and grow together and especially if this is about anything sexual, this is an area for us to increase our intimacy. Communication is the best form of lubrication, so really allowing that to set the space.

Melanie Bonk:

I love to set a sacred bubble, even If you imagine that there's a bubble surrounding you as a couple and this bubble is in safety, and then you learn the tools, so you learn the mirroring tools. So if, let's say, partner B wants to talk about things that they desire, so partner A would just say, okay, I desire more time with you, I desire your hands on my body, I desire to make out with you with clothes on for at least 10 minutes before we do anything else, and you can get really specific about things that you desire and noticing how that word, how that like, creates a delicious energy in the conversation Instead of saying like, well, you never make out with me anymore. The differences between that I desire to make out with you with clothes on versus you never make out with me anymore. The differences between that I desire to make out with you with clothes on versus you never make out with me anymore. There's such a difference in that I love you.

Lunden Souza:

Yes, because there's such a and even your body language and the way and you can just see even parts of ourselves, or in others or different versions of ourself where it's like nobody wants to make out with that.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, right, so you can keep. You can go back and forth and take turns. You can set a timer, like talk about desires for two minutes and then the next person talks about desires. Or if you're coming together and really discussing something heavy and hard in your relationship, where communication maybe is broken down, then you use those mirroring tools so you spend partner A would spend one or two minutes really talking about things that are affecting them. This hurts when you don't do X, y and Z, I don't feel seen, I don't feel heard, I feel disrespected. And then partner B mirrors that back. So partner B would say, okay, so when I do X, y and Z, it makes you feel unseen, unheard, disrespected and angry. And then partner A can say, well, you have that all right, but I didn't say angry. Partner B oh, okay, so it makes you feel disrespected, unheard, not seen.

Lunden Souza:

So the person is just repeating back what they say.

Melanie Bonk:

Yes, and that's where those tools come in and where you're not trying. There's no trying to fix in this space. There's no judging and there's no rebuttals. It's not yeah, but this gets rid of the. Yeah, but this makes you feel unseen and heard. Yeah, but I was only doing this. No, that's out of the conversation.

Melanie Bonk:

So you're spending time focusing on each person and their actual needs, wants, desires, feelings. And then that person who's expressing their concerns how amazing does it feel that I know my partner fully sees and hears me. That is like it feels so good on the back of my spine, on the back of my shoulders, like that kind of energy, that kind of knowing, that commitment. And then you could even go into needs, like needs being met. So to partner B then might say like well, what do you need to not feel like that? Because I honestly don't know. And then partner A can be like well, I actually need you to put down your bag when you come home and greet me with a hug and a kiss and connection. I need that. Can you give that to me, partner B?

Melanie Bonk:

Partner B takes a moment and a pause to say and ask themselves can I give that to that partner? And the answer might be no. It might be actually no I need before I meet you. I need four or five minutes to myself to kind of like unwind and arrive in this space. So then you're creating this whole bubble of communication, of safety, so everybody can get their needs met. Nobody can get their needs met if it's never talked about their needs met. Nobody can get their needs met if it's never talked about. So this can really become just a beautiful opportunity to grow, to become more intimate, to connect to love and safety inside partnership. I love it.

Lunden Souza:

So just to recap what you mentioned about that beautiful situation so coming together in a time that you can come together undistracted, no kids, right, four kids, if Melanie and her husband can orchestrate that right, you just have to find and maneuver, then set intentions. So intention setting together to make sure that like, yeah, the intention of a safe space, welcome space, open space, healing space, all of that is set up. And then you mentioned I desire and I need being good prompts to just promote conversation. And then, of mentioned I desire and I need being good prompts to just promote conversation. And then, of course, when the person then says what they want or what they need, we don't emotionally hijack the situation and say, but why was? I wasn't trying, that wasn't my intention. Like, don't make it about you, just listen to the person. And I imagine in this scenario and I'm thinking about myself too and what I've worked through in terms of communication and nervous system response you're sitting on pillows, you're looking at each other. I'm much better at it now.

Lunden Souza:

Over the last couple of years I've realized in tough conversations I want to be moving and like folding towels that don't need to be folded and I got that from my great grandma, my Nanaana, would do that a lot with napkins.

Lunden Souza:

She would just sit there and refold it at, like dinner tables, all the things I remember. I have a picture of her up here. I think of her a lot. So like I can think of two people like okay, yeah, we'll set the stage, get the pillows.

Lunden Souza:

But then those moments where your body's like nope or this is hard and I remember when I learned that about myself I was like, oh, I got that from my nana. I literally, when things get hard, I like stand up and I'll grab the towel that's in the kitchen and just like fold it and refold it and open it and shake it out and wipe something and then fold it again. So that process of being still and physically present with one another I can also see through my own experience and probably somebody else too like that will be also a big cool way to reprogram your nervous system, to be like we don't peace out when conversations are hard, we don't need to be distracting, we can be present with the person's feelings and that's a very like makes you a little bit sweaty you know, yeah, yeah.

Melanie Bonk:

And so in those situations, in those conversations, I guide couples into taking 10 breaths in before they switch communication, so partner A could give all of their download and then together they take 10 breaths together, Nice long, slow, grounded, rooting breaths. And you'd be surprised how the energy can change in just 10 breaths. And sometimes it's like really quick where one of the partners is like and I'm like no, no, pause. This is why it's good to have a coach to coach you through these things Pause, pause, pause. 10 deep breaths together and then you can see the whole body change.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, and that's plenty of time as the person who maybe had the thing they want to say to forget that 10 deep breaths. You're not going to hold on to all the. You should do this. This is what I think. It's just kind of like a nice little break there, pattern interrupt. And yeah, it's not what couples are normally doing in dialogue. Things are going back and forth, we're saying things.

Lunden Souza:

So, to get in that habit, or even with coaching, being like wait, no, 10 breaths, I like that. That's really helpful in a lot of ways, but especially in conversation of like okay, after you shared that with me, let's take 10 deep breaths together, like that type of dialogue I love to have in relationships, because I think it's cool when you can yeah, I don't know surpass some of the mundane ways of interacting and being able to be like no, let's really be conscious and up-level in that way. Yeah, okay, so I have a question. Or just like this is where I, this is where, yeah, I'm at in my life now and what I think and based on what you said, your story was. But I've had some really great relationships, right, really awesome guys that I've dated that are wonderful. That at some point, maybe after we broke up, we weren't that close friends. But there's like two in particular that are like really awesome friends of mine. Both of them we dated about three-ish years.

Lunden Souza:

I think those were successful relationships. I don't think it wasn't. You know what I mean. Like, I think sometimes we think if we're not with that person for a long time or we haven't had this like full duration experience, but when I look back I'm like, oh my gosh, I learned and grew in so many ways and I'm so grateful and I do not want to be with that person.

Lunden Souza:

I'm like, oh my gosh, I learned and grew in so many ways and I'm so grateful and I do not want to be with that person, but I'm just so happy that I got to have that experience and that expression for a while. So, like, I don't know, I don't know what specifically what I'm asking, but I think that, like, like, I love your story and that success of long-term and longevity and maybe that's also my pattern. I'm just like, oh, yeah, maybe that's just my like three-year mark or whatever, but I still I really feel like, yeah, great relationships, I learned so much, grew a lot. Do you believe, or like, do you think that can be the case that we can have. You know the story, maybe that you mentioned that was hard for you with divorce, but like, consciously, have you know maybe, multiple monogamous relationships that grow us, that don't need to be to infinity and beyond and still like be successful.

Melanie Bonk:

You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. And, like you said, you got so many juicy nuggets out of it. You have a. You have a, first of all, a friend that is still in your life and that you have relationship with. You've learned something you have gratitude. I think it's really removing the good bad filter right, the right, wrong, good bad. There's no, there's no right way to do anything. There's no good bad. It's like this whole spectrum. And so if you were treated with respect, with love, with honoring, and you consciously together came and ended the relationship with that same love, respect and honoring, I mean I don't think you can go wrong.

Lunden Souza:

There's no good or bad or right or wrong way to do this. Yeah, yeah, I think I just share it because that's not what my family does. So it's like everyone's just not. And so for my grandpa sometimes and I just love thinking about our ancestors and their model of the world and all of that but, yeah, I just remember he was like when did I date Joe? 2012, 2013.

Lunden Souza:

So I was like in my early twenties and we went on a trip. My grandpa came to Europe I was living there at the time and then when we broke up, he was like but wait, I got them a hotel room together. And I was like and We've lived together for the last three years. It didn't work. Joe's awesome. We're not still friends. We don't stay connected in that way like some of my other exes, but that's like in my family. You're like oh my gosh.

Lunden Souza:

And I remember when my grandparents came to visit in Austria and then other people in my family knew that, we were like there was two hotel rooms. Grandma and grandpa were staying in one, Lunden and Joe were in the other. Everyone's like oh my gosh, grandpa got you a, a hotel. You know, it was just so like fucking just that. It was just so weird, you know, and I'm like and so then afterwards it was like you know well, since Joe, I've had some, yeah, really great awesome relationships and yeah, sometimes you know, I'll hear things like oh, when's it, you know, I want to see you in a white dress and when's it your turn, and all these things where it's like I'm sure someone listening now has different views of what they want their life and romantic relationships and all of that to be.

Lunden Souza:

That can be different from the peanut gallery of the older generation that has their strict opinions and also thinks that they can just share it and dump it and that you're going to just jump and move in that direction. But yeah, I just anyways. Yeah, I don't know where I was going with that, but uh, sex at dawn is a great book.

Melanie Bonk:

Sex At Dawn"actually looks at our DNA structure and who we're most similar to in nature, and we are most similar to a species that is not monogamous. Um, so there it's a great book where it dissects, kind of all these cultural structures. Um, if you want to dive in a little bit deeper into that, it's such a good. I love that book. It was amazing.

Lunden Souza:

One more time what's it called Sex at Dawn? Sex at Dawn, okay, cool, yeah, I'm going to add it to my book list.

Lunden Souza:

I read a lot of books and I listen to a lot of books, so sometimes I'm like an audio book with that book and sometimes I need the physical book. But I love to read and I just, yeah, love to learn more about people's models of the world, without judgment, and like what people want to do is like really not my concern. But I'm like, how can I communicate with them better? How can I help them feel seen, heard and understood? Well, like, all of those dynamics are really cool. What would you say? Are some like really big?

Lunden Souza:

And I mean, yeah, I don't know if you just work with heterosexual sexual couples or all different types of couples, but for the sake of saying it this way, and then we can, you can be specific if you want like what's something that you notice that, like husbands have a very big misconception about what their wives maybe want and need and vice versa. That prevents them from like bonking better and having that intimacy and that connection. Are there some patterns that you notice where it's like yeah, when you can realize like, oh shit, I thought that, you thought that. What are some?

Melanie Bonk:

common ones. A great one is, and this is totally doesn't matter your orientation, this is every human. Every human has this set of accelerators and brakes running in the back of our mind. That's like this is a space to be turned on and lit up, this accelerator on. This is not a safe space for that accelerator. It leases off and the brake steps on. So it's like, if you imagine, like we're driving a car, every situation, every minute, no matter what, there's programming running in the back of our mind. That's like saying yes, no, yes, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, no, no.

Melanie Bonk:

So understanding, if you're in a long-term partnership, each other's accelerators and brakes is like mind-blowing, because every single human has different ons and different offs. So it doesn't matter your orientation, it doesn't matter how you're in partnership. Even if you're not in partnership, your accelerators and brakes are still your accelerators and brakes. So it's really understanding, taking some time and gaining that consciousness around what it is that makes you feel safe, what it is that makes you feel turned on, what it is that makes you feel lit up inside, because they're all different. Just like every Volvo is unique and beautiful, every human's accelerators and brakes is unique and beautiful and there are no two alike.

Melanie Bonk:

So it's understanding your turn on, understanding your energy system, understanding the real yeses and then really honoring the no's. Because if you are familiar with your no's, if you are familiar with your no's, if you're familiar with what slams on the brakes, then you can start to make choices. You can kind of feel like the energy of a person. That energy is like a no, and then you could dive in a little bit like why is that person such a no for me? And then, applying those to yourself, and then you can create your own boundaries. You can say like, okay, this quality, this trait is just a no for me. So now I know, going through life, I can attract what I want to attract and I can say nope to what I want to say no to.

Lunden Souza:

Got it Okay.

Lunden Souza:

So that yes and no in terms of the partner that you're looking for, the yes and no in terms of what you're down for when you're in that partnership, when you feel safe to connect, versus when it's like no, is that what you're saying?

Lunden Souza:

There, too, is kind of like learning those emotional yeses and nos and those moments to do that dance and what worked in your last relationship doesn't work in the next one. Always what they liked in bed or what you were good at with them is not the same as what the next person, and so treating it as like a new experience, new story, new yeah, exploration, even within the same person, right, it's like maybe what they liked when you first got together, too is like not it anymore, and so it's like re-meeting each other and saying like, hey, here's my goes or no-goes, my yeses and noes, or there might be a moment where there's a bid for intimacy, and then the person's like what now? Huh? And the person's like, wait, why not? And learning kind of those moments to navigate that connection too. That's what I thought from what you said.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, and two things to add to that. Hopefully I can remember them. One is that you are yeses and nos. I have to go back to the thoughts of that.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, yeah, I'm excited to remember.

Melanie Bonk:

One is that every person changes every day, so your yeses and nos yesterday could be completely different today. So always checking in with yourself. And the second thing is because you are always your best lover, you will always love yourself. You know your pleasure, you know what stroke you like, you know what really lights you up from the inside. So honoring that, having a pleasure practice with yourself, creating that energy, that vibration inside of you, is kind of like your radical gift that you were born to receive and to play with. So shutting I feel like that happens so often with every person is that we shut down that self-love resource. We're the only ones that can love each other unconditionally. I learned to love myself unconditionally and I used to think that, oh, my husband loves me unconditionally. No, that's absolutely wrong. He has conditions. My kids I'm raising them to have conditions, to understand boundaries, to know what they're worth. So really creating that self-awareness with yourself is just like the biggest gift you can give yourself.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, Self-love. I mean Self-love. I mean it's part of the podcast title and has been the best part and the juiciest part and the most, yeah, yeah, like scabbiest, you know where you feel like you're in my whole life and I wouldn't change it. And I think that pursuit of that and what that feels like and looks like for us, and challenging some of those things we might have felt shame or guilt or dirt like and reconnecting in all sense of the words with ourselves unconditionally is, yeah, just so, so huge, so huge. What are some?

Melanie Bonk:

of oh, go ahead. Sorry, that's like the main journey when someone comes to me on an individual level is that that realm, is that world is turned off for them, and so that's what we really work on is connecting back to self, connecting back to your pleasure, connecting back to touching yourself, to loving yourself, to listening to your heart space.

Lunden Souza:

Yeah, and you mentioned, I think at some point you said, like that pelvic floor bowl and that space that, yeah, we can breathe into, work through with movement, but a lot of that is that hip move, all of that into your point of our body, holding onto that kind of stuff. I know that can be an area that for people coming to work with you individually, through trauma, through just some of that stuff, it's like you unlock a whole different treasure chest of energy. Like you unlock a whole different treasure chest of energy of possibility, of, yeah, of, yeah, all of that. And I think it's really powerful the work that you do and you're so okay. So, like what? And this is, yeah, I mean you're married, you have four kids, you coach on these topics, like what's what would be? Maybe, yeah, I mean you, you offer obviously a different perspective because we're different people. But like as a wife, as a mom of four running business, like there's a lot that's happening Right. So like, how do you keep it spicy and intimate? Like what are? Like maybe some takeaways we can land the plane here with, of, like you know, mom, life, kids, all this, like we talked a little bit about you know scheduling the time, but like yeah, I know there's moms listening and I know it's possible to have all this connection that you've mentioned. But what are some like either yeah, hard moments, special tricks, tools, things that you just like. No, this is what we do and how we do it, and this is like the, some good roots for that.

Lunden Souza:

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Lunden Souza:

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Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, I find that I am more embodied throughout the day and that means really being in my heart, in my womb space, out of my head, and that's when I can really follow my intuition, I can move, I can flow in the feminine. To do that, I need to be meeting myself first every day. So before I give my attention, my energy, my love to my husband or to my kids, I give it to me first. And that could be so small. I know, as a parent, even hearing that and you're like, oh, we'll add that to the list of stuff to do.

Melanie Bonk:

No, this is the quintessential act of radical self-love.

Melanie Bonk:

That really only takes two or three minutes. So I sleep naked which has been a delicious thing that I've discovered over the last couple of years and just before I even get out of bed, I have hand on heart space, I rub my hands on my breasts, I connect to my breasts, I rub my hand on womb space, I cut my yoni and I meet my body with presence, with loving presence, and I just say how are we feeling today, girl? How are we doing? How do we want to move? I love you, hi. And then I kind of move into like, wow, I met myself. I usually do a tiny little mirror practice in the morning where I look in the mirror, naked, and I recognize and love the critical minds, our inner critic. They're always there, they're always running. So I'll listen to the first few things that the inner critic says and then I say oh no. And then I'm like, but I'm a divine goddess and that's just a bullshit story of what we're supposed to look like and I kind of do a little dance.

Lunden Souza:

You change the record in the morning, you're hearing what's playing and then like, no, not that song, okay.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, so really everything I just said doesn't even take two minutes out of my day, but it changes the whole vibration of how I show up, and then I will put my robe on or get dressed, and then I will wake up the kids in the morning and I'm so much more grounded in my truth, in my being, in who I am, in my body, not these thoughts in our head, and then I kind of finish the day with that same kind of self-care. I finish the day usually with a hot shower or some kind of way to cleanse off everybody else's energy and connect back to myself. So huge.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, like a cleanse to your day so huge, yeah, like a friend to your day. Yeah, after I tuck in the kids at night and my kids are teenagers now and I still tuck in my 17-year-old and give him a hug and a kiss while I can, because it's only one more year, and so after that sometimes I walk up those stairs because they're all in the downstairs and we're upstairs and I'm just like, oh my God, I'm so heavy from the day. How can I? Even I can't do anything else. But by the time I'm coming out of that shower where I'm playing some music that really turns me on, that lights me up, I cleanse the day off, I file all the thoughts in my head into the folders for to-dos for tomorrow, I come out of the shower and I give myself like two minutes to rub lotion or oil on my body. And I used to kind of do that like, okay, take the lotion out, slap it on the skin, smear it all around, kind of like I was a livestock animal. Smear it all around, yeah, smear it all around. Just check that box. And now I have loving presence where I'm like rubbing the oil or the lotion in and like giving myself a little goddess, rub down. And then you'd be surprised that shower and that tiny amount of time it took to put the oil or lotion on.

Melanie Bonk:

Anyways, when I meet my husband in bed, I'm like a completely different woman than I was when I was walking up the stairs. So for me personally it's all bookended by self-care. Like you said, when that happens I'm just energized, I'm refreshed, I'm loved. And then for partners, for my husband and I, we make our partnership a priority. It comes first over everything. So if it comes first over work, it comes first over kids, and our kids have always known that it's mom and dad and then it's you guys.

Melanie Bonk:

So if that means that for an evening we're going out because we haven't connected in a long time, you guys are on your own for dinner Figure it out, you're old enough If that means summer's coming up and it's like our last week with the kids in school. So we've been cashing in on those afternoon rompings where we're like loud and wild and free, because pretty soon the kids will be home and we're going to mute it a little bit. So, like I had in my calendar, like this afternoon, we are having sex, it is happening, and I didn't let any of my work get in the way of that, which is a beautiful gift that we have to do that during the day, but just making it a priority. No one else is going to put your pleasure first. It has to start with you.

Lunden Souza:

Totally Love those bookends, love the intentionality and protection of the relationship container and like, no, this is important. My friend yeah, Jana, I love her, she's wonderful, her and her husband. I just know her so well and we've been friends for a long time like Wednesdays and Sundays Wednesdays is Steve's day off, Sunday they like do their Costco thing and do the house stuff. So like anytime I want to come over or hang out or spend time with her work together, her and I do some cool work stuff together too. It's just like it's not Wednesday and it's not Sunday. And I just know that.

Lunden Souza:

And there's been times, because I've been friends with her for years right, where, like I lived in Austria, I lived in different places where she's like, okay, wednesday we could do that, Like just come over around noon not early, you know, and not early and then we'll have just some time to be together and then you can come over. So of course we can wiggle when it makes sense, obviously. But I love that about her and their relationship and that I just know that and that people around can just know like, oh, it's not, no, they don't not like us, they don't not want to hang out. It's just like that's the container they create. And then that, of course, just by pure observation, impacts me because I'm like, oh, super cool, yeah, they've been together for a really long time but they both work really hard and Wednesdays and Sundays just you can choose another day.

Lunden Souza:

So I hear that and see that, and sometimes people will say, or you'll hear people say like, oh, but that takes the spontaneity out of it to plan it. And I'm like to your point and to bring it what I love, what you said so much, I'm going to quote you and I'll always give you credit on this. But the communication is lubrication. That's the whole thing. It's like the communication, the connection, the collaboration. The world's doing all its shit and all the things and we're still going to choose and connect and communicate and find a way and find a solution there. So I love everything that you shared today, anything you want to share before we finish or cover that we didn't cover, that you feel called to.

Melanie Bonk:

No, but I would love to offer your listeners. If you go to my website, you can go to melaniebonk. com\ pod and if you enter your email, I will send you three somatic practices over the three-week span so you can begin to create some of that juicy, somatic, embodied talk that we've been talking about, like getting into the body, getting out of the mind, getting out of the head, and I love connecting to nature, so it's really bringing some awareness to the fact that our pleasure is so natural. So I bring in some of the elements and some of the earth energy into all of my practices, so it's a really awesome way to kind of like get your toes and feet wet if you want to get into some of the somatic work. Absolutely.

Lunden Souza:

You said melaniebonk. com\ pod and I'll put that in the description and the show notes wherever you're listening or watching this. Where else can people connect with you On that note, like your website? I know what about like social media? Or where can we find you?

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, I'm on Instagram @bonkbetter and I also have a women's only Facebook group called the Bonkalicious Booty.

Lunden Souza:

Club.

Melanie Bonk:

Bonkalicious Booty Club. Yeah, so you can reach out and join that For the month. We are just ending the month of May, whenever you're listening to this pod, but we just did a whole month of puss-ups where we are working on our pelvic floor health connecting, celebrating pleasure. It's just a really juicy space so you can enjoy that.

Lunden Souza:

Is that using the? I don't know what they're called, but I think you posted it. What are the the puss-ups? Yeah, but isn't there like a I want to say crystal, but like some sort of stone or something that you use to yeah, you shared something on that, right? Did I make that up, like on story or something? No, yes, you're right, I look at your stuff. I like what you do.

Melanie Bonk:

Yeah, I posted I used a jade egg for a jade egg practice. That's what it was. Yeah, and there's crystal eggs and any kind of yoni egg and it's really For me, the yoni egg was a way to supercharge my pleasure and reconnect me to my internal anatomy after having kids. And you're doing kind of that same thing where you're squeezing your pelvic floor muscles around the egg and it just lights up from the inside, it creates more juiciness in your yoni, it creates more turn on, creates more connection.

Melanie Bonk:

A little deep tissue massage in that space, right, yes, and yeah, every pussy actually carries her own trauma body. So working with something hard like a jade egg or a crystal egg or even a glass dildo, it actually you get to release some of that trauma. If you think about like silicone, it's kind of soft and it pushes, you can kind of push it in. So, yeah, it's like exactly like you said, a deep tissue massage for inside your yoni, and it's a really beautiful practice. I do guide couples and women in using these tools because there is so much de-armoring that can happen inside of our own bodies. Because there is so much de-armoring that can happen inside of our own bodies.

Melanie Bonk:

I was kind of at the beginning of my journey with using these tools. I kind of like did eye roll. Like, okay, yeah, you could potentially like cry and have a big emotional release Eye roll, eye roll. And then my husband was actually giving me a sacred yoni massage and he hit the spot and it was just waves of emotion coming out and when you experience these heavy feelings with pleasure, your nervous system can handle it so much better and in such a more integrated way. And so I was like and he's like you, okay, should I keep going? I'm like don't stop.

Melanie Bonk:

All the emotions needed to come out, all the emotions, yeah, yeah so some of these tools are just beautiful and they've been around for thousands and thousands and thousands of years, and for all those thousands of years it's taken sex witches like me the opportunity to share these tools with people. We all have to learn, so it's really a beautiful practice.

Lunden Souza:

Yes, we all have to learn, and I can just think of the lack of any of this education that they tried to provide in my fifth grade class, which was basically like, if you start your period, put your pads in this container and zip it so that, if it falls out of your backpack, nobody sees it and it's discreet, and it was just so. It's like we have to go back. That's why I love doing the podcast. I love talking about things that like. It's not, you know, two plus two, it's not like the stuff you learned in school and there's so much that we don't learn about our bodies, and so I'm just so grateful for the work that you do and for our conversation today and for those of you listening, connect with Melanie on her website and get some free resources, or or and on Instagram, on social media. Thank you so much, Melanie, for your time and your heart and the way you show up, and I'm excited to, yeah, see you in real life very soon. And, um, yeah, thank you guys for listening. Connect with Melanie and we'll see you at the next episode.

Lunden Souza:

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self Love and Sweat, the podcast. Hey, do me a favor, wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review this really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of Self Love and Sweat and change more lives all around the world. Love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I'm Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose, fueled by self-love and sweat. This podcast is a Hitspot. Austria production.

Intro
Soulful Communication In Relationships
Improving Sex Life with Breathwork
Creating A Safe and Intimate Space
Prioritizing Self-Care and Intimacy in Relationships