Self Love & Sweat The Podcast

#69 Negative People

January 14, 2022 Lunden Souza Season 1 Episode 69
Self Love & Sweat The Podcast
#69 Negative People
Show Notes Transcript

How do you deal with negative people in a positive way? Here are some Life Coaching tips for you on dealing with those people that seem to always want to bring you and the situation down.

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Lunden Souza: [00:00:01] Welcome to Self-love and Sweat, the podcast, The Place Where You'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire.

[00:00:16] I'm your host, Lunden Souza.

Lunden Souza: [00:00:21] Hey friend, it's me, Lunden Souza, online lifestyle transformation coach. I help people all over the world just like you who know they are meant for more. Get their mind right and their body tight

Lunden Souza: [00:00:33] And go from crazy busy to crazy happy. And hey, if it's our first time meeting, welcome, so happy to have you.

Lunden Souza: [00:00:41] And if you've been with us for a while, it's so great that you're here too. I'm really excited to share this episode of the Self-love and Sweat podcast with you.

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Lunden Souza: [00:03:39] You know, this coaching and this support is here for you. We want to get you real results that last so you never have to start over again. And so you guys are awesome. Enjoy this episode! Get connected self-love and sweat, friends. Hello everyone. Welcome back to self-love and sweat the podcast. Today we are going to talk about dealing with negative people. This is something that I know everyone has encountered at some point. Whether it's been like random, like a person in a store was just like negative, grumpy, rude, mean, whatever. Or it's someone that we're around regularly, like, you know, at our job or in our family where they're just like a consistently negative energy. And, you know, maybe some of you listening are just like, I'm owning up ownership. I have been the negative person before. I have been that negative energy. And that's cool, too. That's cool, too. You know, I get a lot of questions about how I stay so positive and excited about life and motivated and just fired up and and those types of things. And what I will say is it's a choice. I have committed myself in a relationship with this positive mindset, positive outlook. Ok, it's something that I have worked really hard to cultivate, and it's not always easy. And just because I feel like I've committed to the positive lifestyle and I am on that journey and on that path doesn't mean that there's not other people in this world that are co-existing with me that sometimes can be rude and mean and negative and whatever.

Lunden Souza: [00:05:12] And even though I have these tools and I've been working on these tools doesn't mean that sometimes I don't get slapped in the face by something and I'm like, Oh man, hello, London, you chose that positive outlook. You chose that growth mindset, you chose the outlook of of ownership. So how are you going to handle that situation, right? Sometimes I come into scenarios that are like that because it's like, OK, this is the positive life and positive mindset and positive outlook and whatever. And that comes with work and sacrifice. And it's the same thing with negative. It's like you can be negative mindset blaming, complaining, whatever, and that takes work to be that way. And also you're sacrificing, you know, positive outlook. So it's like you have a choice. There's two platters and it's like, OK, which one did I choose? Ok, I chose the positive one. So sometimes I come into scenarios with different people, situations, whatever where. Then I'm forced to look at that and be like, That's what you chose, OK, is it easier just to jump in the negative? I remember sometimes, but more often than not, I'm looking at that positive platter and I'm like, OK, what does that mean? What is that? How does that? How do I show up? How do I treat other people? How am I going to grow out of a certain scenario versus, you know, drown in it? And I look at that, and that's kind of what I want to talk to you about today because this is kind of the thought process that I go through as well because, yeah, we are other humans existing with other humans, right? And when you're, let's say, committed to that positive lifestyle or even if you just like, made some changes in your life, whether it's health, wellbeing, whatever, like you're just trying to make better choices, that transition in there can sometimes bring out some people that might be a little bit downers.

Lunden Souza: [00:06:47] Or might you feel you might feel like they're trying to bring you down or to say things that are not very nice and whatever. So that's something too. And we're always changing and evolving and growing. And if you're not, you're stagnant and you're not doing your job as a human on. We're supposed to grow and we're supposed to evolve and learn and help others and all of that kind of stuff. So if you have never felt, I know that we have, we all have that felt that pain of kind of changing and doing something different. And then people around us not always agreeing or wanting to be a part of it or people are not as excited as we are about it, right? So I think we can all kind of identify that feeling in different scenarios where that kind of negativity has come in and crept in. So I have four points that I wrote down in terms of today's topic that I want to cover.

Lunden Souza: [00:07:34] And that's what we're going to do. Ok. So the first one of dealing with negative people, I wrote down, It's not you, it's them. But it might be you. And this one made me laugh when I wrote it. In fact, sometimes I just laugh because I just feel like, you know, this stuff is is so real, but it's so fun. And as soon as you realize you're like, reality is malleable and you can have whatever life you dream of and want, this point really, really hits home. So it's not you. It's them, right? Like nice people, happy people. Positive people are not trying to jack up someone else's day. They're not trying to be rude and make you feel down. They're not trying to point out a flaw or make you feel ashamed about something like people that do that have deep work that they need to do on themselves in order to heal so that they don't continue hurting others, right? When you don't heal yourself, you bleed on people that never cut you. You bleed and you get your mess everywhere on people that, like never even signed up for that in the first place. Ok, so understand that too. And maybe that helps you have a little bit more compassion. It's just like, Oh, you must be hurting, and that must suck to feel that way, to feel so hurt that then you have to go out of your way to make other people feel miserable, too.

Lunden Souza: [00:08:46] Right? That just I just kind of say a silent prayer for people like that sometimes because, yeah, you never know what people are going through. You never know what their past has been like. You never know. And you know, it can be very easy for us to judge and be like, Oh, they're just bitchy and negative and rude. And they're probably this and this probably happened and probably that. It's like, we don't know. We don't know. Ok, so it's not you. It's them, but it might be you. Right. So sometimes I really get deep and I ask myself, OK, well, what about them behaving in that way is triggering for you? Why does it bother you? Why are you letting it bother you? Right? These are things I literally ask myself, and you kind of get squirmy in your own skin because a part of you wants to just be like, Yeah, but they're fricking negative. And they're it's like, Can you just look in the mirror for a second? You know, what about what they're saying might be hitting the soft spot, you know? And how can you change that feeling surrounding the way they're coming at you, right? Maybe when someone says something negative to you, you might get fired up that fired up feeling in your gut. Maybe your heart starts racing a little bit and your brain starts racing. All the comebacks you're going to say are all the things that they're probably going through that are making them be this way.

Lunden Souza: [00:09:56] But if we can really control that feeling and emotion surrounding when people choose to treat us negatively, that's the game changer, right? If we could just be like, Hmm, that's their thing, it's not going to affect me that burn that fire, that I feel that discomfort that's gone, you know, that's really, really helpful because, you know, when you're around people regularly that we feel like our negative and we're around them regularly, just as much as they're affecting us, we're kind of like going along with that, too. It's like we're always talking about that person, always feeling those same things, whatever. And I think that when there are some ownership there and you can ask yourself like, OK, what part of me is triggered about what they're doing, you know, is as a part of me, is it a part of me that I don't like? Is there something you know, that's just, you know, that I'm working on for me personally, that's causing me to be frustrated or whatever. So having that compassion and knowing that it's not you, it's them, but also taking that ownership and looking in the mirror and being like, Hey, it might be me too. And the way I'm perceiving it and the way I'm choosing to perceive it, and also later on down the road, it's like if they're still affecting you later on in the day, like you came into contact with someone who was rude or mean at work or.

Lunden Souza: [00:11:03] You know, at the store or whatever, and it's still hanging on to you later on, like, that's on you. That is on you. Ok. Maybe it's not your fault or anything that any you know that that happened, but if it hangs on and lingers later and you're reliving it and revisiting it and re talking about it like that is on you. Number two, mental rehearsal. I love this one, especially for negative people, Debbie Downers, David Downers. Negative. Nancy's negative. Nick's like people that might be in your sphere on a regular basis, like coworkers or people, maybe in your family or extended family. Mental rehearsal is major. Ok, if you know that a person is just generally negative and rude and going to say things that are just like, what are you saying? Like What's going on mentally? Rehearse how you're going to show up mentally rehearse that feeling that feels good when showing up around them, right? Maybe you have that feeling now and you're like, Oh, I have to be around. You know, George today. I don't know who that is. It just made it up. And he's just always negative and he just always tries to bring me down. And I just, you know, you're coming down with him if you're spiraling into that kind of self-talk. So what I like to do is like, OK, you know that about them, London, you know that that's the way that they are and that they choose to show up ninety nine point nine percent of the time.

Lunden Souza: [00:12:25] Now I'm going to say a silent prayer that today is zero point zero one percent of the time and they're choosing to be different. But chances are that's not going to happen, and I'm not in control of that when I am in control of is how I show up. So mental rehearsal, thinking about OK, when I walk in, how do I greet them? If they start to say certain things, how do I politely ignore or change the subject or whatever? You know, what is going to be the best way that I show up and looking at that, that choice of positive vibes and positive outlook and all the things I talked about were on this plate. It's like, I'm going to use my mental rehearsal tool to be there before I get there to rehearse that situation before I'm even there. You know, that's really helpful, especially with like family stuff, family parties, family situations, times when you're going to be around certain family members or whatever that trigger you, maybe you're working a lot of Home Office now, you know, a lot of people are working from home and then maybe sometimes you have to go into the office and there's like that one person or a couple people where you're like, Home Office was a blessing because I didn't have to see them anymore. But then you have to see them sometimes, right? Maybe couple a couple of times a week or once a week or whatever.

Lunden Souza: [00:13:39] Mentally, rehearse how you're going to show up. What's how's your best self going to show up? How do you want them to leave the scenario? If you feel like you're coming to that scenario and generally leaving feeling like they were being negative? Like, for me, I'd be like, OK, I want them to feel like I'm bringing in the positive heat on high, like I want them to feel like I know that you're trying to infiltrate my positive vibes and like how I'm trying to live my life. And I can feel that and I can feel that resistance and kind of pressure there, and I'm going to own up and show up the best way that I can. And you're going to feel that and you're going to feel it, and it might make you feel uncomfortable and whatever, but you're going to feel that. And so, yeah, that mental rehearsal is really important and you can really get there before you're physically there, right? We know we can close our eyes and imagine that scenario with this said negative person, negative coworker, family member. Whatever, right? We could smell it. We could taste it. We could feel it, we could hear it. Our body can get into that feeling of being in the encounter with them, right? So if you can take some time, five or 10 minutes just to close your eyes and mentally rehearse how your best self would show up a few key points of maybe, maybe that person likes to meet up at the coffee maker and just start talking shit about other people.

Lunden Souza: [00:14:50] You know, it's like, OK, maybe you're mentally rehearsing, not going to the coffee maker and maybe a coworker or a family member gets up and you're like, Hey, can you grab me a coffee? Because in your head, you're thinking, like, OK, I don't want to put myself in that situation, like it can get that specific. I'm just thinking of certain scenarios that have happened in my life and in some of the clients that I work with, where it's like mental rehearsal is just like it could be as real as you want it to be. So really, really think about those scenarios and how you can show up best for them and take that time for mental rehearsal. Ask yourself, how would my best self show up here? Think about it, take some notes and then show up as that. And sometimes we do a really good job and then something happens and we kind of mess up a little bit like that happens. It's cool, you know? But there's moments where I've had that with, with family members and just different people where I'm like, Man, the job London. Like, you showed up super good. You know, you really didn't, you know, you didn't ignore them completely and treat them like crap. It was just like you didn't meet them and stoop down to that level, you know, but you still were polite.

Lunden Souza: [00:15:50] You still work kind, you know, because it was it was cool and good job, you know? And then there are some days where I'm like, Oh, fuck, I blew it, you know, like, I didn't show up the way I wanted to. Ok, I'm going to do it better next time. I'm going to do better next time, and there's always a next time. The third point, the third point is. Is important, they're all important, but this one is like moment by moment, case by case, conversation, by conversation, sometimes word by word, and that is like, do you stoop low with them? Do you stoop low with them sometimes there are certain people where it's like it might be easier just to stoop low and go into some of those negative chats and whatever just to like, make the situation more manageable to deal with. You know, you might not want to be talking a lot of crap, but you'll just throw in a couple of things just to defuse the situation. When I think of that? I feel like that's the easy way to do it. And in my personal opinion and experience, it's very unacceptable for me because it's like if I'm going to be this way, I'm not going to be like the half ass, watered down diluted version of it. And so I think of the quote that Michelle Obama would say a lot, and it was when they go low, we go high.

Lunden Souza: [00:17:12] Like when they want to stoop low, we take it another level to the top. When they go low, we go high. And so think about that. Are you stooping low just to make things more comfortable around that encounter? Are you stooping? Maybe not super low. Maybe not. You're not talking a ton of crap about everybody with that person like you always used to, but maybe you're just going a little bit digging a little bit lower. You know, you can ask yourself, Is that acceptable for me? Is that acceptable? Is that acceptable to the person? Yeah, that I want to be, that I am becoming, and maybe that is OK, but for me, it's not. So when they go low, we go high. I love that quote. I love that quote from Michelle Obama. Just a reminder that they're going to try. They're going to try to bring back that conversation around. They're going to try to loop it around and throw something in there. It's like every single time when they want to go low, we go high. No, for the last one is it's easy to be negative and just stay the same with our same stories and that same negative soup. It's easy. It's so much easier to go to that default mode of how we used to be than to carve new patterns and new pathways in our brains and in our hearts and just in our actions and just everything.

Lunden Souza: [00:18:33] Say like, No, this is how I'm going to behave. You know, it's it's easy. It's super easy to blame to complain, to just kind of get in the loop of what everyone else is doing and all the things and whatever. It's really, really easy. It's not easy to be committed to the positive. It's not easy to be committed to consistently showing up in a way that is congruent to the person that you want to be and that you are becoming. It takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of awareness, it takes a lot of intention and you have it, you have it in you. You know, you can do that. But just remember when you are stooping low and you're just kind of going back to old ways like you're doing the easy thing, you're taking the easy route. You know, it might not feel good. And a lot oftentimes we don't know what it's like to feel better to feel more. Yeah, just positive and more acting in the direction that's going there. It's just like, Yeah, I don't really like to feel negative. I don't really like complaining and blaming, but it's just like what I've always done and what I'm going to do, right? So just remember that it's easy to be a negative. It's not easy to deal with other negative people. It's not easy, like I said in the first one, to think like, it might be me.

Lunden Souza: [00:19:46] That's not easy, right? That makes me squirm and makes me want to put my boxing gloves on. It makes me want to combat myself when I think of that. But then I'm like, No, actually London. Like, you know, it's just your reaction. It's just your interpretation of what they're saying and whatever like, it's you grow. It's you, girl. And so and that works not easy. You know, it's easy to stay the same. It's easy to stay negative. So hopefully this offers a little bit of help and insight for you. This is what works really well for myself and for my clients. And notice how none of the tips were really like, you know, surrounding dialogue with this person in terms of confronting them. Like, I need to talk to you about your negative attitude. Like people are not going to change if they don't want to change, you're not going to change if you don't want to change, right? Like, change is our thing, like a personal thing. And so I'm less worried about what you're going to say when you have your perfectly crafted speech and how you're going to tell them off and hit all your points hard and get them and get them like, I don't care about that. I think that's a waste of time. I think that these four points are really important and really helpful. So it's you, not them. Sometimes it's you. Number two, mental rehearsal like mentally rehearsing how you want to show up.

Lunden Souza: [00:21:01] Number three, are you stupid? Low is a little bit. Are you going a little bit low and you should just be going high? When they go low, we go high. And number four, it's easy to be negative. It's not easy to do this work and to combat old patterns and to start showing up in a new way. But you're doing it and you're doing such a great job. And I just am so thankful that you're here listening today. So I hope that you found this episode valuable and got some great insights. If you want to share any of them with me, you can send me a DM on Instagram. I'm at life like London, or you can hit reply to any of my emails. I always respond to them. You can hit reply and just let me know what spoke to you and also what you want to see next or hear next on the podcast. And if you're not on my newsletter list yet, make sure you pick out Pick Up My Workout and mindset calendar. You'll find it in the link in the notes. Every month I send you a free workout calendar, or I should say a free calendar with workouts, mindset tips, journal hacks. Just like different things that you can do a little nugget to really bring that mind body love triad that I always coach on into your life. So I hope you're having a beautiful day. When they go low, we go high.

Lunden Souza: [00:22:17] Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self-love and Sweat, the podcast. Hey, do me a favor. Wherever you're listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I'm only one person, and with your help, we can really spread the message of self-love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I'm Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose fueled by self-love and sweat. This podcast is a hit spot Austria production.