QMR #14: Holidays with Family & Showing Up As Your Best Self (LISTEN BEFORE YOU GO!)

Learn how to show up as your best self during the holidays, manage stress, and enjoy quality time with loved ones in this quick mindset reset episode. For best results, listen BEFORE you go to the family gathering ;) And if you've decided you're not going to the family thing this year -- good on ya. Sometimes that can be the best decision as well. All that and more in this quick episode.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode...
0:00 Intro
0:24 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
3:22 Owning Your Triggers
7:43 Choosing Peace Over Tradition
11:08 Responding Instead of Reacting

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:24 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
• 3:22 Owning Your Triggers
• 7:43 Choosing Peace Over Tradition
• 11:08 Responding Instead of Reacting

Transcript

Lunden Souza: 0:00

Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the place where you'll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections and do what sets your soul on fire. I'm your host, Lunden Souza. Hey, before we jump into this episode, I just want to make sure that you get all the free things possible, if you haven't already. You need to get your self-love and sweat free monthly life coaching calendar. Honestly, the way to experience deep change in your life is by doing small little things over time, and so that's what you'll find in this free calendar. You can get it by going to lifelikelunden calendar. Get yours for free and let's get into today's episode

Lunden Souza: 1:01

Welcome back to the podcast. Today we have another quick mindset reset. This is the perfect quick episode to listen to before we go into the holidays and are around our family, and I want to share with you some helpful tools for communication and showing up your best. It has not always been rainbows and butterflies in my family, that's for sure. And communicating, setting boundaries, showing up as your best self. Like I just have so many things in my mind that have happened, and I'm sure that you do as well. Sure that you do as well. I recently posted a post in our NABA community about having tough conversations with people that you love, and someone left a comment there saying, yeah, this is especially helpful when it comes to the holidays. And she said like this is the perfect cheat sheet to have for the holidays and this is a previous episode. I've done five tips for tough conversations with loved ones. I'll link that in the description, but I want to specifically talk about the holiday season, especially for those of us that have been doing the inner work, that have been working on healing, that have been becoming more of the person that we want to be. Right, I heard a quote somewhere. Someone once said to me like just when you think you found your own, like just when you think you found your inner peace and your balance, go home, go to your family, go be around people that have known you your whole life and see what happens. Right, it's easy to be the person that you know you want to be when you're around the people that accept that, let's say, and not saying that your family won't accept the person that you're becoming. But, quite frankly, there's a lot of history there and it can ruffle a lot of feathers, and it can ruffle a lot of feathers and so, yeah, this is something to listen to before you go into the holiday season with family. This is something to listen to when you're deciding if that's something that you even want to do, right? So the first and some of these the tips, let's say are points I want to mention.

Lunden Souza: 3:22

I've learned from guests on the podcast, or I've learned through good conversations with people that are on their healing journey, that are on the journey of becoming even more of the person that they want to be. The first one was from Megan Gallagher. She was on the podcast and she said something which the concept and the idea I'd heard before, but when she said it I was like, oh yeah, that resonates. And what she said is your triggers are your responsibility. Your triggers are your responsibility. So when someone triggers you, it's not their job to change so that they're not triggering you. It's your job to adjust your heart posture and adjust how you respond. Right, yes, things can be triggering, but it's not other people's job to change so that you're not triggered. It's not the world's job to accommodate you so that you're not triggered. It's your job to examine your triggers and to ask yourself what are they trying to teach me.

Lunden Souza: 4:28

This is a lot of work that I do with my clients one-on-one is understanding your feelings and your thoughts and your emotions, understanding and unpacking a lot of that ancestral stuff that has led to these triggers. Sometimes we are just so unconscious we're getting triggered, triggered, triggered, triggered, triggered and we're upset and frustrated and mad and triggered and it's like, wait, it's our job to unpack that. So, going into the holidays with my family, I always remind myself like my triggers are my responsibility. I'm choosing to step into that room with these people and if I'm triggered, that's something that I need to work on. And so a lot of mental rehearsal and that's the second point is ask yourself something that might trip me up a person, a relative, a situation, an environment throughout the holidays that might trip me up, and how would my best self show up that might trip me up and how would my best self show up right?

Lunden Souza: 5:31

I've shared a lot about my relationship with my grandfather and how it. You know there's a lot of things that he says where, or I should say he's said in the past that I'm just like, what did you just say to my face? Like, excuse me? And through unpacking a lot of that ancestral stuff. I've really remedied what? Yeah, I've really remedied that situation. Right, I'll just say it like that. This is a quick mindset reset episode. We could talk for hours on that there.

Lunden Souza: 5:58

But how would my best self show up? What might trip me up? Okay, well, my grandpa might say something rude and disrespectful. Historically, when I was younger and in my teenage years, I would scream and yell back at him. But that's not how my best self would show up. I often say communication is about connection, not about convincing, and for the longest time I always tried to convince my relatives of the way that I was seeing things. But it's like that's not going to drive connection. And I remember last Christmas my grandpa sat next to me and he's like you're just incredible and amazing. And I was like wait, what? Like I never thought that I would ever hear that, right, but if I kept expecting him to give me something in order for me to feel a certain type of way, I'm going to be waiting forever, right? But I got surprised and that's great and that's exciting. But just ask yourself, you know what might trip me up and how would my best self show up? Right, close your eyes, imagine the environment you're going to be during the holidays Christmas, christmas Eve, whatever it is and mentally rehearse how you're going to show up, right, even if you're like, okay, yeah, I know that relative always wants to complain about this, this and this, so I'm going to sit like on the other side of the table, I'm just going to be over here. Or if a family member starts to complain or talk shit or whatever, I'm just going to sit there and breathe and just listen and nod. I'm not going to contribute to that part of the conversation. And then the last one is such a reminder you don't have to go, you don't have to be in a situation that you don't feel loved, nurtured and supported in.

Lunden Souza: 7:43

A lot of people love traditions. I know that in my family, my Italian family, there's a lot of tradition and I heard once, when I was in Scotland at a retreat, one of the guys that was there. He was like traditions are guilt trips from dead people and I was like, oh, I resonate with that. And sometimes we think like, oh, I have to go with the flow, because this is tradition and this is what my family does and this is, yeah, this is what we've always done. And if I'm not there? What will they think about me and all this guilt and shame that comes up from not doing the thing that you've always done? But you don't have to put yourself in that room. There's been times in my life where I've gone through a lot of struggles with my family and I've decided I'm not going, I'm not going to Christmas, I'm not going to Thanksgiving, I'm not going to Easter or whatever. It is Right. And was there feathers ruffled because of it? Absolutely, but preserving my peace was more important than stepping into something for the sake of tradition, right? So, yeah, it's just. Yeah.

Lunden Souza: 8:49

I just wanted to highlight those points there and also think of your word, the word that describes how you want to show up. Is it love, is it kindness, is it nurturing, is it respectful, is it understanding, is it loving towards myself? And ask yourself what word describes how I want to be in this family interaction for the holidays, and what does that actually mean? Like, what am I actually doing? How am I actually moving? You know what's my seated posture? You know what am I saying to family members when we engage in conversation?

Lunden Souza: 9:26

Right, I know that the holidays are not always easy. I also want to acknowledge that there's a lot of loss and hurt and pain and sometimes the holidays can be a hard time to face that and to just kind of be in a time that's air quotes, supposed to be happy when you might not be feeling happy and jolly and joyful inside. Right, full permission to feel all the feels and feel everything that you want to feel. But for those of us that are going home for the holidays or going to be with family and it's just, yeah, one of those events where you're like, okay, I can do this right and I can say too of someone who's really struggled with communication within family and all of the things that when you continue to show up and you continue to manage your own triggers and you continue to ask yourself, how would my best self show up, and you can continue to set healthy boundaries, it becomes easier, right. You get to get on the other side of anger and frustration and triggers and all the things. And, yeah, I hope you guys have a beautiful holiday season. I hope these tips help you navigate going into the family vibe and sometimes we're doing great, everything's all good, and then we go into that situation and it's just who's this person that I used to be. That's now coming out right, it's still part of you and we just have to be reminded that some of those anchors can live within that environment of being around our family or being in the house that we grew up in, or grandma's house or whatever. Right, there can be anchors tied.

Lunden Souza: 11:08

We go into a physical situation, we're around somebody and then we have this emotional response which is essentially just memorized. It's a chemical reaction. Boom, this happens. Here's how I feel right, and that opportunity to go from stimulus to reaction and actually choose. Okay, how am I going to respond? Let me stretch out that domino effect a little bit. It's not just like this person says this and boom, I react this way. How can I stretch it out, how can I separate that domino effect so that that person can be around, that situation can happen and I can feel a different way, which is why I love the coaching that I do and meditation and all the ways that we get to get beyond our emotions and get to get beyond our triggers. Get to get beyond our triggers.

Lunden Souza: 11:54

So I hope this episode supported you. Listen to this before you go into the holiday party, the holiday situation, especially if you feel like, oh, how is this going to be? I appreciate you guys listening. It's been such an incredible fourth year of the podcast. I appreciate you guys so much. Send me your reflections on these episodes and we'll see you at the next one. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Self Love and Sweat, the Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode or were inspired by it or something resonated with you, do me a favor and share this episode with a friend, someone that you think might enjoy this episode as well. That's the ultimate compliment and the best way to make this podcast ripple out into the world of others. And also you can leave us a review up to five stars wherever you're listening to the podcast. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you at the next episode. I appreciate you.